Pre-show notes:
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Please click through to enjoy six slices of bacon and the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 10, 2013.
Worst: This Is Some Stupid Bullshit
Here’s how Raw began last night, in numbered list form so you can keep it all straight:
1. Triple H had a match with Curtis Axel. He immediately headlocks the dude and takes a knee. Vince McMahon’s music hits and he saunters down to the ring, ending the match and announcing that Curtis Axel is the winner by disqualification.
2. When Vince leaves, Triple H restarts the match. Vince immediately saunters back out, ending the match and announcing that Curtis Axel is the winner by forfeit.
3. Triple H evokes his power as COO to have the match restarted as a 60-minute Iron Man Match. Vince immediately saunters back out, steals the ring bell and Justin Roberts’ microphone. This ends the 60-minute Iron Man Match.
4. Triple H goes backstage and yells at his wife as she sobs and explains that he CAN’T hurt her dad because he’s just a fun-lovin’ gran’pa who loves to spray his grandchildren with a garden hose.
5. Stephanie confronts Vince about how he KNOWS how proud Triple H is, but Vince is also proud and will not accept blame.
6. Stephanie lies to Triple H about an urgent private matter and to Vince about an urgent business matter to get them in the same place at the same time under false pretenses. This causes them to gruffly admit their mistakes and make up. The scene ends with a group hug.
There is so much wrong with this, but here’s the quick version, in numbered list form so you can keep it all straight:
1. this is some bullshit
2. AND IT TOOK THREE HOURS
So much wrong. Remember back in 2011 when Triple H BECAME the COO of the WWE, and in doing so relieved Vince McMahon of his day-to-day duties? Even if we accept Vince coming back and having power over everybody without explanation, Triple H should still have MORE power, right? WWE’s got that horrible thing happening where there are so many authority figures and nobody’s really the authority of anything, so they only exist to interact with each other and pretend they have power. They can just hire and fire each other all willy nilly. That doesn’t begin to touch the STORYLINE badness of this, which involves Curtis Axel getting two-to-three additional wins over Triple H that mean absolutely f**king nothing. Remember how Triple H is 1-2 against Brock Lesnar, but he won the match at WrestleMania, aka The Only One Anybody’s Going To Remember? Yeah, he does this shit on purpose. And THAT doesn’t begin go touch the hilarious Godfather shit Vince McMahon was on spraying his granddaughters with a garden hose, which I guess is Stephanie’s idea of Americana.
Ignoring all of THAT, Raw opened with three consecutive non-finishes in a row to set up a Triple H vs. Vince storyline that is resolved at the end of the episode and never asks Triple H to address the dangers of wrestling when your brain is f**ked up, despite TWO REAL CONCUSSION STORIES HAPPENING ON THE SAME SHOW. And ignoring all of that PLUS that, it was 15 minutes of boring bullshit that could’ve been Daniel Bryan wrestling anybody or doing ANYTHING.
Worst: So Is His Name Hunter, Or Is It Paul? Pick One And Stick With It, Stephnanie
PLEASE HUNNER DON’T HURT MY DAD
Sometimes Stephanie calls him Paul, and sometimes she calls him Hunter. Everybody at the announce table calls him Hunter, but the nameplate on his WWE office said “Paul.” CM Punk called him Paul that one time he got SERIOUS, but called him Hunter every other time, when he was assumedly not serious and all the emotions were fake. Pick one, lady.
I think this is a good point to recap the kayfabe storyline happening here: Stephanie McMahon who was once offered to one of her dad’s Satanic wrestlers as a Dark Bride and was (kayfabe) lent out to businessmen when she was a teenager to help her dad close deals marries a guy to get back at her dad, and does so by pretending her drugged her, took her through a drive-thru Vegas wedding chapel and raped her. Her dad gives her various positions within the company (general manager, vice president, whatever) and a rap song about how she “earned her spot” to play whenever she enters a room. She is now desperately pleading with her rage-filled, concussion-filled husband about how he shouldn’t attack her dad, because he’s known to “fly off the handle,” and uses “he was in the pool spraying our kids with the hose” as an example of his humanity. She has screamed, cried, or been booed by an arena full of people during every interaction with him for the last month.
THESE ARE THE BIG GOOD GUYS OF THE COMPANY. The f**king Starks have it together more than the McMahons.
Worst: Four Non-Finishes In A Row? WHY NOT
To keep the fun vibe of Raw going, the first match of the show is a Kane/Dean Ambrose non-title match which the champion loses (of course) because his friends needed to run in and start punching his opponent because he was in trouble. On top of that it was a Kane singles match, which should not be happening in 2013. So … here’s some wrestling, I guess, if you’re into that sort of thing.
You just know there was a motherf**ker in the production truck with his hand on the GO TO COMMERCIAL button doing a “whites of their eyes” thing for the start of any actual matches. DOWNLOAD THE APP OR DIE, AS RAW ROLLS ON.
Worst: The Damned Numbers Game
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Worst: The Figure-Four Is Not An Impact Finisher
Might as well dump it all on one page.
The Miz defeated Cody Rhodes via submission with the figure-four in that super annoying way where he doesn’t work the leg at all (he MAYBE does a bad dragonscrew five seconds before locking on the move, MAYBE), applies the hold and the guy just has to grimace and start tapping out. There is a WORLD of fun figure-four drama to experience, and Miz is beating people with it like it’s the f**king Diamond Cutter. What happened to guys lying back and almost getting pinned because they’re in pain? What happened to guys trying to roll over to reverse it? Jesus, what happened to guys leaning back slightly and reaching for the ropes? It’s as if Ric Flair showed up, gave Miz the move and was then whisked away to deal with family sorrow before he could explain any other f**king aspect of it. That’d explain why it took Miz three weeks to learn how to lock it in correctly.
And hey, quick question … what does this episode of Raw need more of? Why, CURTIS AXEL OF COURSE. Axel gets added to the Intercontinental Championship triple threat at Payback that Wade Barrett will probably win, so that he may continue losing non-title matches and being the saddest-sack color commentator ever. Unless he’s saying “I lose 99% of matches I’m in,” he’s f**king lying.
This first hour of Raw is stressful.
Best: Welcome Back, Dolph Ziggler! Or,
Worst: Nice Gadzooks Overshirt, Dolph Ziggler
HEY LOOK IT’S SOMETHING I MIGHT LIKE
Dolph Ziggler has returned from his concussion exile — his ACTUAL concussion exile, which I guess has no heat or sense of importance because he didn’t flop around like a fat fish for 20 minutes at the end of Raw when he got it and didn’t fire doctors to keep having matches — and it feels great to have him back. Great to have the entire Team Rocket crew back, in fact. Dolph showed up in a … what is that, a pleather bowling shirt? Accompanied by a lady dressed like a Bratz doll and an enormous muscular dude in a sorta-Africa-themed thong onesie. So, maybe not so bad.
I cannot comment on Cool Dad’s speech, because I flipped over to Cartoon Network to watch five minutes of ‘King Of The Hill’ instead. It was a good decision. I care more about what Bobby Hill said 8 years ago than I do what Chris Jericho’s saying now. Y2K happened 13 years ago, man. Would you please catch … the hell, up!
Alternate joke: you will never, eeeeever update your material
Alternate alternate joke: “Dolf Zaggler! Derf Doogler! Dirk Diggler!” etc.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Jumps A Concussed Guy From Behind
The Jericho/Big E Langston match was fair — I thought it was adorable how Jerry Lawler explained the significance of pulling down the straps, which ranks about ten thousand places ahead of “heart attack victim stares longingly at a cheeseburger” on the list of things I enjoyed about Jerry Lawler last night — but, as you might have predicted, the finish bugged me.
Dolph Ziggler briefly got up onto the ring apron to be a distraction, which is not a ridiculous thing for managers and seconds to do. He wasn’t tossing in buckets to distract wrestlers or whatever. A little too long after, Alberto Del Rio comes screaming down the ramp and shoves a barely-recovered-from-injury man into the ring apron FROM BEHIND. This distracts THE HEEL, which allows the face to hit his finish and pick up a cheap victory. Del Rio backs up the ramp with a smile on his face, Jericho slaps everybody’s hands. I don’t get it, and I wish stuff like this would happen less often … especially with characters I’d gotten used to liking.
Best: Antonio Cesaro Is The Best Base
Speaking of characters I like, check out the big brain on Antonio, getting the best match anybody’s gotten out of poor Sin Cara in a year and a half. Here’s how prestigious Sin Cara is at this point: I was upstairs updating the Raw results when his music hit, and I thought “Sin Cara? Really?” I’d forgotten he was even around. When Rey Mysterio went to the hospital for stubborn belly fat or whatever I thought he’d been whisked away to re- re-development.
But yeah, I’ve written a lot about how Antonio Cesaro’s greatest strength is his ability to be a strong, sturdy, skilled base for high flyers, and I hope you noticed some of that here. Years of working with independent wrestlers half his size and WAY below his talent level has taught Cesaro how to pick up a dude and throw him around effectively, so when Cara goes for one of those around-the-world headscissors, Cesaro knows how to get Cara all the way around and where he needs to go. He’s tall enough that Cara can do the “land on his feet” rana that is awesome, but has previously only appeared in his TitanTron video. He’s done that “rana attempt floatover into a Yoshi Tonic” spot in his sleep. This is the kind of inconsequential-on-paper matches WWE should be having more often … matches where guys get to play to their strengths, and look great even in defeat. Sin Cara looked like an actual wrestler again, right?
I’d also like to give a Best to Cesaro breaking out the NECK CRANK~ as a setup for the Neutralizer. Grabbed Sin Cara in a chinlock, swung him around by his head and just straight up Batman’d him. Do that more often, especially to The Miz.
Best: Zeb Colter On Color, Literally
Another highlight of Cesaro/Sin Cara (which would’ve been the match of the night if Daniel Bryan didn’t exist) was Zeb Colter randomly being at the announce table to explain how Sin Cara snuck over the border illegally, but Antonio Cesaro “probably” went through the proper channels and came here like a respectable human being. You know, because one guy’s Mexican. His “SO??” to Michael Cole’s “Cesaro’s from Switzerland” was wonderfully shitty. So was his suggestion that Sin Cara wears a mask so cameras wouldn’t see his face when he snuck across the border. Zeb Colter was born to be booed, and if Jack Swagger’s gonna get released for snorting weed or whatever, putting the “real American” racist uncle with the close-enough-to-German Superman would not be a terrible idea.
Worst: Check Out This Fat Bitch Eating A Cheeseburger, Am I Right
Disclaimer for anybody who’s ever typed “PC police” with a straight face: You know how mad you get when I write about how WWE is cruel to women? I hate writing it as much as you hate reading it. Skip this next part.
I could almost get behind this segment. When it started as stupid product placement for Hardee’s and was just Vickie justifying eating three burgers and not having to share with Maddox I was kinda fine with it, and then she started screaming about how the CHEESE is SO AMAZING and Vince shows up and oh goddd get me out of here. So much hateful, condescending stuff to mention here. Vickie having a leopard print bib and napkin. Vince explaining manners to her. Telling her not to lick her fingers or talk with her mouth full. Hating her ideas and praising the idea of the one other guy in the room. Giving her the “you’re a f**king cow and I hate that the drugs we gave your husband killed him and I have to keep paying you” eyes. It’s too much. An embarrassing segment made even MORE embarrassing by Vince’s insistence that any woman who isn’t Sable is a dumpy, stupid waste of time.
He wasn’t spraying your daughters with the hose because he’s an adorable gran’pa, Stephanie, he was teaching them how the world works.
Worst: End This Goddamn Randy Orton Match And Get To The Fireworks Factory
The best part of WWE App Decided By Default match between Randy Orton and Roman Reigns was Daniel Bryan at ringside. Watch how hard he tries to add to the match constructively, knowing full well that if he does ANYTHING noticeable the entire crowd will start Yessing. He gets everybody clapping by pounding the ring apron, immediately being a better valet than anybody in the last 15 years of WWE programming, and people STILL turn it into YES chants, so he just has to put his hands on his knees and stand there quietly until Orton’s done Randy Ortoning.
Orton is the last guy Roman Reigns should be wrestling. If Rollins or Ambrose are wrestling Orton, sure, that’s fine, they’re good enough on their own to get something watchable out of him. Rollins can sell that horrible backbreaker by bouncing around and Ambrose can whip out his awesome open-hand slaps and things’ll be great until Orton Goes To That Place Where He Remembers Spots and starts forcing in rope-hang DDTs. Reigns isn’t there yet. He excels in those six man tags (or even regular tags) where he can get in and out and be a bruiser and spear somebody and that’s it. It hides his weaknesses. If you didn’t catch a lot of Leakee on NXT (yes, his name was “leaky”), he’s not the best at … well, a lot of the same things Orton is terrible at. Pacing, controlling the match, putting together a story, getting the crowd into it. It’s just not his bag. It’s why he’s “third guy” in a three person team.
So yeah, put Rollins or Ambrose against Orton and leave Reigns to Bryan. Or, you know what’s even better? Say nuts to Roman Reigns and end the match as a No Contest and YEAH THE FIREWORKS FACTORY MOTHERF**KERS
Best: THE FIREWORKS FACTORY
hold on, I’ve got a reaction GIF for this
here we go
Seth Rollins versus Daniel Bryan was outstanding, and Daniel Bryan’s streak of being the best wrestler in the world while the wrestling-hating announcers can’t stop talking about how he’s the best wrestler in the world while EVERY WRESTLING CROWD treats him like the best wrestler in the world continues. This run is serendipity. I’m not gonna be an asshole and start predicting boom periods around one guy who is good at his job, but it would be very, very easy for them to keep this going for, say, 10 years and let Daniel Bryan be their new Bret Hart. He might not make as much money as Hogan and Austin, but he’s an artist, goddammit, and he’ll sell out Wembley at least once if you pair him with a British guy. OH MY GOD DANIEL BRYAN VS. WILLIAM REGAL IN WEMBLEY STADIUM PLEASE.
Rollins had a lot to do with the success of the match, as well. The timing was perfect. The missed enzuigiri into a submission, the top rope backdrop counter, the dive counter (which doesn’t happen enough in WWE … all a guy would have to do to end Kofi Kingston permanently is get up a foot or elbow to block him when he starts slow-jogging toward the ropes), everything. The only thing I’m still sore about is how nobody in WWE has thought to stop kicking and punching and trying to hurt The Shield in the chest, because they are wearing thick vests. If you’re gonna spend 15 minutes YES Kicking a guy in the chest, take a second to remove his flak jacket. This is why they keep winning!
Another thing I love:
Best: Seth Rollins, Move Stealer
My very favorite thing about Seth Rollins, WWE Character, is his move stealing gag. It’s not like in an e-fed, where your opponent wants to use your finisher on you and pin you because he’s an asshole, or the indies where … that same thing happens. It’s just stealing little things. Sticking your tongue out at the Undertaker when he’s on the ring apron. Stealing Bryan’s surfboard and kicking him in the chest a bunch. It’s easy heat, doesn’t syphon any heat away from anybody, AND it sets up these great moments when the guy gets back at you and puts you in a f**king dragon sleeper while you’re hanging upside down in that surfboard you thought you’d stolen. It’s a thing that makes you want to punch him executed with wrestling, and not with a forced speech on a microphone. More “The Shield, weird wrestling pricks,” less “hounds of justice.”
My only complaint for the match is the following:
Worst: Randy Orton’s Musical Cockblocking
Randy Orton and Roman Reigns have a boring match that the crowd starts loving when Daniel Bryan runs in the ring and dives out and kills everybody. Orton stands outside of the ring while the actual wrestlers wrestle, and the crowd loves it for 15 minutes. Daniel Bryan wins with THE SMALL PACKAGE because he is MISTER SMALL PACKAGE and it is one of his specials (if you’ve edited his moveset properly) and everybody loves it. Then Orton slides into the ring, hits an RKO and gets HIS music played over everything.
How is that fair? If he “saved” Bryan from The Shield, shouldn’t we get to hear Bryan’s music? WWE theme exclamation points and segment bookends should not be based on seniority.
Best/Worst: Big E Langston, Almost Lover
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
And always said you needed five
Clever schtick
Here’s a live-blog of my thought process when Kaitlyn was in the ring, thinking “in the ring in front of everybody on television” was a place where she was gonna meet her new boyfriend and NOT get tricked and attacked by somebody: “It’s gonna be Hornswoggle. It’s gonna be Hornswoggle. It’s gonna be Hornswoggle. Big E Langston? Oh, wait, he’s in love with her on Twitter and it’s hilarious. I could get behind this. Haha he’s wearing the same clothes he wore to the Bo Dallas contract signing. Are those his only clothes? Aw he brought her flowers. AW HE’S GETTING TO SHOW PERSONALITY. Wait a minute, I am absolutely f**king on board with a Big E Langston/Kaitlyn romance. Oh God, they’re going to make her give birth to a hand in a couple of weeks, aren’t they.”
When Big E dipped Kaitlyn for a kiss and you could see them giggling, I was sold. I was sketching out Chibi Langston and uploading it to my DeviantArt page. My heart was swelling. When he dropped her, the feeling I felt was real. I was MAD. I mean, I guess I expected it in the smarter parts of my brain (because how else is this story supposed to end?) but I felt legitimate heel heat towards Big E. I want to see somebody kick his ass for doing that to her. And while we’re just just hypothetically throwing shit out there, that person should be Cody Rhodes, because he actually admires her, and that can lead directly to a Cody/Dolph Ziggler beef (possibly for the World Heavyweight Championship) when they’re done. Kaitlyn takes AJ to the woodshed.
Shoulda known he’d bring her heartache. Almost lovers always do.
Best: Tyrion and Cersei
And now, the Chickbusters explode. For real. Actually. Finally. All the way.
As I mentioned, AJ being revealed as the secret admirer is the only place this story can go, unless you want to involve the Bellas or write a bunch of fanfic about it. The relationship between AJ and Kaitlyn is one of the most consistent and long-running stories WWE has, period, and it’s nice to see a Divas title beef add some logic and layers beneath the “you’re nice, I’m a bitch, let’s wrestle” thing they never erase from the dry erase board. AJ believes that Kaitlyn didn’t support her when she was being used by Bryan and Punk and Cena last year and thinks Kaitlyn values the Divas title more than their best friendship. This is incorrect, of course, because AJ is whack with poo brain. Kaitlyn was there for her until she was forced away. Kaitlyn has tried to get their friendship back a dozen times, even while screaming and calling her crazy, and doesn’t know what happened to her best friend. AJ tries to break Kaitlyn with the meanest thing anybody ever said to HER: that she’s trash. Remember Ziggler dropping that bomb on her before they hooked up? A part of AJ still loves Kaitlyn, way way down on the inside, and that specific word popping up is either masterful character writing or a happy accident. Either way.
Of course, AJ is a way better actor than Kaitlyn, so she’s the Tyrion here, which is size appropriate. I actually loved Kaitlyn a lot here, too, because she had these little bursts of crying without ever giving into it completely and being dumb, lightly insulted Natalya about it. She’s facing some heavy shit here. Her best friend orchestrated some weird Catfish thing to make her feel bad and has convinced herself that Kaitlyn did these terrible things to her when she never did. It’s somebody you care about saying the worst things you’ve ever heard to your face and laughing about it, and you’re TOUGH, but f**k, you know? Those brief sobs were perfect. I also like that she waited until she was sure AJ was just gonna keep going and keep going before giving in and swatting her down. It’s not what she wants to do. It’s what she has to do.
The one thing I’d recommend to WWE is to not have AJ win the match on Sunday, if that happens. That’s not the story you want to tell. Kaitlyn should win this one, because she’s not a fragile little broken girl about it, she’s the Divas champion. She worked hard for this. AJ should lose, then go into Evil Heel Overdrive. Hell, book a Kaitlyn/Big E Langston match where Kaitlyn gets to kick his ass for a little while before she gets Big Ended. Really go for it, because these are the two best Divas around.
(And get Cody in there somewhere, seriously.)
Best/Worst: “Dame-O,” But At Least He Didn’t Kick A Librarian In The Dick Or Whatever
F**k you, Sheamus. I hope Sandow puts a book on your nuts and then punches that book. Remember that thing I just said about how the right person needs to win to validate the story you want to tell? “Being irrationally aggressive is way cooler than being educated” is not a story you want to tell.
Worst: Ryback Is A Leather Jacket Wearing Pussy!
credit: Hulk Hogan
And then the show ended with the perfect bookend to the Triple H dramatic opening — with John Cena yelling NO SHUT UP SHUT UP over Ryback trying to make a decent point, and then a limp pull-apart thing. The last convincing pull-apart WWE did was Rikishi and Val Venis. That was a good f**king pull-apart. That was a good feud. This is a character who has recently lucked into the ability to think and understand (Ryback) confronted with a man who survives by being static (Cena). The walking, talking Status Quo. And guess what? The status quo is boring. That’s why it’s the status quo.
I think the match at Payback will be good enough, because Cena thrives in unnecessarily dramatic gimmick matches, but this show needs Punk back sooner rather than later. Give us people we can identify with and enjoy, not fast-talking cereal box characters.
Best: William Regal, Lumberjack
ilu, Bill Regal. Wembley Stadium, 2014, we’re doing it.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
GregVersion2
Vince has a fever and the only prescription is more ringbell
NotACrook
All I want out of tonight is for Heyman and Curtis to come back out at like 9:08 and order Lil Naitch to count Triple H out to keep the countout streak alive and win the Iron Man Match.
moses0001
Why are all these people in HHH’s office?
Nick_Jester
“Hey, if you see Zod, tell him I need to talk to him, it’s about exploding planets and it’s urgent and he’s to meet me in my office.”
MrModoRisin
Cole: Hey King, who’s the coolest person you’ve ever met at Raw?
King: St Peter!
Kento
Axed on Phonics worked for me!
Dr. Chim Richalds
“Yeah, I get concussions. But I sit at home like some queer when I get them.” – HHH’s first draft of Ziggler’s monologue
SnoopRob
Who would have thought that Kaitlyn’s admirer would have bigger boobs than she does?
85
“I murdered a zebra to show my love. And also because I needed a shirt.”
Danster
Is it weird that I’m looking forward to finding out how they ruin the Wyatt Family? Wait, this is Stockholm Syndrome, isn’t it?
See you guys next week.
