Pre-show notes:
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– For fun, preface this column by going back and reading The Best And Worst Of WWE SummerSlam 2010 back on AOL, the now sadly imageless Best And Worst Of WWE SummerSlam 2011 and then last year’s live report, wherein I don’t get invited back to video game functions.
When you’re done with all that, please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE SummerSlam 2013. The biggest Miz-hosted party of the summer!
Worst: Somebody’s 9-Year Old Niece Sings The Star-Spangled Banner
If you haven’t been watching Total Divas, meet “Jojo,” a woman with the physical appearance, stage presence and athletic ability of a middle schooler who is supposed to be an “underdog,” but sorta comes across like the Cait Sith to Eva Marie’s giant stuffed moogle.
Jojo started the formal pay-per-view portion of SummerSlam with the most American-Idol-ever rendition of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ The only upside is that maybe season two of ‘Total Divas’ has an episode about Lilian Garcia getting pissed about this and throwing her weight around. Also an upside: nobody’s letting Jojo wrestle.
I know this is catty, but could somebody teach her how to stand up straight? Her shoulders are right up next to her ears.
Best: The Asbestos And Asworstos Of Raw, Or
Best: YOU’RE WELCOME
From last week’s Best And Worst Of Raw column:
I didn’t enjoy the 30 seconds of Kane squashing Titus O’Neil necessarily, nor do I enjoy the cop-out “ring of fire” match that allows for Inferno Matches without anybody catching fire and assumes Harper and Rowan can’t figure out how to bring out a few heavy blankets, lay them over the fire trough or whatever and just step over them, but I do ever-so-much enjoy Kane solving the age-old wrestling problem of “how to avoid being attacked when the lights go out.”
… and the reiteration, from the SummerSlam predictions:
What I Think Will Happen: I’m confident in a Bray Wyatt win, although I’m guessing it’ll be through a gang attack anyway. I’d love it if Luke Harper came out with a bunch of heavy blankets and just laid them over the fire ring, crossed over and beat up Kane as usual. They can be smart AND cultist hillbillies, you guys.
If I am allowed for a moment to speak from that absurd, imaginary place in my brain that thinks WWE writes and produces their shows after reading my reports — that same place that named Cody and Damien “Rhodes Scholars” and made The Shield arrive at a show in a helicopter — holy shit they let the Wyatt Family do my idea. This is easily my favorite thing of the night, because I am a self-centered asshole who got an out-of-left-field prediction right, and I’ll be happy to continue booking the Wyatt Family via comedy sports blog.
Tonight on Raw: Harper and Rowan squash R-Truth and somebody. Maybe Kofi. Make it so.
Best: Bray Wyatt Is The Devil Now
Two good things about this faux inferno (infer-faux?) match:
1. By utilizing basic logic skills, the Wyatt Family found a ridiculous loophole in the FIRE KEEPS BAD GUYS AWAY match, assured us that they are not literally Frankensteins, and rendered the Ring Of Fire match obsolete. How are they supposed to do another one? Just book it to feature stupid people and hope they didn’t watch the first one? Who’s gonna be in it, Cameron?
2. Bray Wyatt won, but that’s not the important thing … he beat one of WWE’s two supernatural characters in a battle of Who The Devil Loves Most WHILE SURROUNDED BY ACTUAL FIRE. If you haven’t gotten behind the Wyatt Family’s schtick yet, perhaps the dude riding a corpse as the world burns around him might do it. Good stuff. Way better than the somewhat-burning kendo stick handle, at least.
My only complaint, I guess, is that Bray couldn’t do it by himself. I know he’s wrestling Kane and everything, but WWE fans have been conditioned to believe that nobody bad can get the job done on their own. Even Brock Lesnar, a guy who can legitimately lug fully-grown trees around on his shoulders as exercise, can’t beat the Skinny Fat Waffle House Fry Cook without weapons and outside interference, because he’s bad and the other guy’s good. If the roles were reversed in this match, Wyatt would be totally fine and Kane would need several guys to help him. That sucks. Especially when you’re trying to get a guy over as a deadly monster in his first main-roster match.
But whatever, Bray Wyatt won a SummerSlam match in a ring that was on fire.
Best: Cody’s Not Mustache, Or
Worst: Is … Is That It?
I’m very happy Cody Rhodes has shaved his mustache, because he’s way, way too good to be “the guy with the mustache.” I hope the crowd chanting a derisive chant in SUPPORT of him during a match not involving him directly was the last straw. I’m also happy that he got a strong win, because ancient prophecy tells us that one day someone will use Roll The Dice as their finisher and be a big star, and Jesus, it’s taking forever.
At the same time … is that it? Is that the end of the Rhodes/Sandow beef? I don’t want it to be. If Cody moves on to challenging Dean Ambrose or whatever and Sandow continues losing every match he has while holding the briefcase I guess I’ll understand, but I want the issues to refocus and worsen. We’ve got a lot of time to kill in the autumn, and there’s no reason why Sandow shouldn’t go nuclear on Cody tonight and keep it rolling. Basically what I’m saying is that Sandow cannot reference Dusty Rhodes on WWE television and not eat a series of bionic elbows at Survivor Series. One from Dusty, one from Dustin, and one from Cody’s mustache.
Sorry, from Cody.
Worst: The Miz Should Be The Host Of Darkness And Silence
The worst moment of the night for me was Miz bumbling through a cheesecake interview with Maria Menounos, Fandango and Summer Rae showing up out of nowhere (with musical cue!) to make my life better and then being “served” by Miz and Maria’s class-1 ballroom dancing skills. It was made a little better by the crowd’s loudening ennnnghhhhh throughout the dance, but still.
In a world where people have adult brains and faces that don’t look like Howard the Duck, Miz should never get one over on anybody.
Best: Christian Vs. Alberto Del Rio
For me, this was the best match of the night.
The finish of this match gave me such an Awesome Face. One of Christian’s big moves (but not his finisher, which is important) is Edge’s spear. You know that at some point, he’s gonna go for it. Del Rio knows that, too. Del Rio wants to work the arm so he can get the submission win. Christian knows this. The match is built around both guys doing their homework and gutting through their mistakes, and it all builds to the big one … Christian goes for the spear and uses the shoulder attached to the arm Del Rio’s been working the entire match. It connects, but it puts his arm agony over the edge, and when he hesitates to deal with the pain, Del Rio snaps him up in the armbar and taps him out. Glorious, and the exact kind of sense pro wrestling should make.
I loved so much about this. I like how Del Rio’s gross hamburger face added to the drama. It made him look less polished, maybe? Like a guy who came for a fight. I especially liked how little downtime there was in the match … usually guys will hit big moves and just kinda walk around getting into position for the next one. Punk does this a lot. Daniel Bryan’s started doing it, too. You can tell what they’re about to do by where they’re standing in the ring. Here, Del Rio and Christian filled the downtime by going AT each other, and sometimes the cameraman would barely get everything onscreen because they aren’t painting by numbers. The dropkick counter to the spear with Christian just CRUMPLING might’ve been my favorite moment of the entire thing.
Great stuff from both guys, and I’ve officially forgiven Christian for looking, moving and acting like George Jetson since his return. And as a reminder, Alberto Del Rio is good as f**k at wrestling.
Best: RENEE!
Standard best for a Renee Young appearance, as she and her magnificent ponytail showed up in the ring to ask Del Rio what he thought about his victory. A supplemental Best goes to Del Rio for letting his extreme confidence once again overcome his disdain for common people and convince him that he’s The Avatar or whatever, assuming this doesn’t lead to (1) Fat Shirt Rey Mysterio returning, or (2) Ricardo Rodriguez coming back to feud with him in some kind of pro-America thing.
For more on Renee being great at her job, please visit your local Best and Worst of NXT column.
Worst: When Did Brie Bella Turn Into AJ Lee?
I guess it’s an optical illusion caused by her being flanked by the Hooter Patrol, but Brie Bella is one chopped-up t-shirt and two video game references away from being AJ Lee. Also, Nikki Bella here reminds me of that time Bart Simpson tried out to be Fallout Boy and got told he wasn’t tall enough.
Worst: At Least Natalya Only Had To Do The Sharpshooter Once This Time
I sat here staring at my computer for 20 minutes trying to type something other than the word “fart.” So I guess I’m gonna go with “fart.”
Worst: Ryback, Food Waster
Are the Ryback Food Fight segments going somewhere? Is Ryback gonna saunter backstage one day and be all, “HEY LITTLE SCRAWNY WIMP, I HEARD YOU SAID MY VEST IS STUPID, YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, HUH” and start shoving locals around only for one of those locals to be SAMI ZAYN, and then 20 seconds later Ryback’s getting booted in the face and brainbustered onto the catering table.
But yeah, when you pick on NPCs and you tap out to Miz dropkicks during matches, there’s this huge gap between what you’re doing and what you can be. If Ryback’s picking on random dudes backstage and CRUSHES guys like Miz, only to be stopped by your John Cena types, that could be something. But as it stands? You’re booking one of the biggest, gnarliest guys on your roster as Scut Farkus.
Yes, Miz is absolutely Ralphie.
(Alex Riley is Randy.)
Best: BASS VARSE THE BASTE
BIG FIGHT FEEL~
Punk VERSE Lesnar was great, and was (as empty as this compliment seems when you read it out of context) exactly what it needed to be. Punk got to look like a fighter out there, hanging with a guy who for all intents and purposes should be able to snap him in half in a heartbeat. Lesnar got to look like BROCK LESNAR and actually win a goddamn match for once, showing why he’s the guy worth millions of dollars for three matches a year without having to massage Triple H’s prostate while doing it. Heyman got to be hilarious and do things like this:
And it made sense! Punk used the No Disqualification stipulation to his advantage (because, honestly, he should’ve prepared for it … when was the last time Brock Lesnar wrestled a match where he could be disqualified? 2004?) and survived Lesnar’s onslaught long enough to turn it around and exploit Lesnar’s glass guts. That same passion and determination was his undoing, however, because he let Heyman’s shitty interference distract him enough to leave Lesnar alone with a steel chair, and that was all she wrote.
Very, very good stuff. Two quick Worsts, though (don’t worry, only one of them is really a Worst):
Worst: Brock Lesnar Does Not Wrestle 40 Times A Year
Lesnar should be wrestling on a regular schedule, and I wish it wouldn’t cost them a billion dollars to make it happen. Lesnar murdering Heath Slater on Raw is something I’d like to see. Lesnar versus Luke Harper would be great, Lesnar/Zayn could be borderline brilliant (especially if Brock showed up at Full Sail for it), and on and on. Lesnar obviously doesn’t have shit’s-interest in helping anybody grow, but a guy who sleepwalks through his commitments and gets everything against a bunch of young guys struggling to eat on developmental paychecks would be something else. Man, why’d you spend so much time wrestling Triple H, Brock? To prove somebody else’s point?
Worst: I’m Still Not A Fan Of Most Of These Moves
Speaking of matches I want to see Brock in and probably won’t get the chance to, watching Lesnar/Punk really made me want to see Lesnar/Bryan, to see how good Lesnar is when he’s fighting a guy who (1) is actually good at submission wrestling, and (2) does not keep trying to knock him out with lazy leglift highkicks. Every time Punk just lifted his leg into the air like he’s doing a toe touch and Lesnar had to sell it like Sweet Chin Music I felt a little sadder inside.
I love Punk as a wrestler, but I can’t stand almost every move he does. The big offenders here (besides the high kick) was the Macho Man elbow, which has reverted back from mild competency to total, irredeemable garbage. This was maybe his worst elbow ever. Dude just fell off the ropes sideways and dropped a fully extended armpit. Horrible.
I also have an issue with all those MMA holds, as fun as they were, is that they almost always put the guy doing them into a pinning position. Watch when Punk’s trying to triangle choke Lesnar … the referee keeps doing the little “make sure his shoulder is up” gesture, and good for him for doing it and justifying it, but yo, your hand is NOT under Punk’s shoulder. Punk was down for a six count before you even got in there.
Worst: The Dorito’s Jacked Bold Potato Chip Plant Really Enjoyed The Dolph Ziggler Match
THIS GUY, HIS GIRLFRIEND, HIS FRIEND AND HIS BROTHER all really enjoyed having “better than front row seats” for the mixed tag match. They could’ve just inserted the cast of ‘Dads’ and it would’ve been as believable. Check out the guy in the nondescript red hat turned backwards! He totally wears that in real life! He loves Dorito’s! The Bold Fan got his blood pressure checked, so WWE is cleared to let wrestlers land knee-first on a splash! Look at him explaining the match to his girlfriend THE ENTIRE MATCH and pumping his fist. He’s a BOLD FAN!
God, I wanted The Shield to hop the rails and f**k these guys up so bad.
Worst: Triple H’s Involvement In The Match I’ve Been Wanting To See For Years Did Exactly What I Thought It Would
John Cena and Daniel Bryan put on a SPECTACULAR match, and I don’t have a single complaint about it. They called back to their Velocity match (!!), Cena broke out a f**king Batista Bomb, they got into a slap fight for the ages and my favorite wrestler in the world pinned the face of the WWE for the last 10 years CLEAN, right in the middle of the ring, with KENTA’s Busaiku Knee Kick. Please know that no matter what else I type, this is the most fantastic thing and I love it with my entire heart.
The problem isn’t even with what happened. If you missed the show and for whatever reason are reading my snarky shit for news, Daniel Bryan won, Randy Orton teased cashing in, Triple H pedigreed Bryan out of Extremely Obvious Nowhere and Orton won the belt. Bryan was WWE Champion, but only for a couple of minutes, and now Evolution is more or less reformed with Vince, Triple H and Randy Orton all in cahoots. Tomorrow’s Raw is gonna start with 80 straight minutes of Triple H explaining what he did and why, followed by other characters saying what THEY think about what Triple H did. Amazingly, I’m not too bent out of shape about this. I expected most of it. That’s not me saying “weh weh obviously I knew what was gonna happen, smark smark smark,” I just expected the worst, because the worst was logical and bound to happen, and I got it.
The problem is that Triple H’s involvement did what I thought it was gonna do … it dulled my ability to let go and enjoy what should’ve been one of the greatest moments of my wrestling life. When it was just Cena vs. Bryan, the possibilities were endless. Would he win? Could he make Cena tap? What was Orton gonna do? It was exciting. Then Vince, Triple H and Brad Maddox sorta congealed into a big shitty raincloud and floated over SummerSlam, and my ability to suspend disbelief went from YES YES YES to NO NO NO in an instant. It became “what will Triple H do?” No “what will happen with all these other guys and also Triple H,” just “what would Triple H do.” And there was only one answer: Triple H would turn on everybody and be the guy people were gonna talk about the next day.
That sucks a lot for me, and for you, I think. The story isn’t bad. We’ve got a lot of fun Daniel Bryan: beloved hippie babyface versus The Evil Corporation ahead of us. You never know, WrestleMania could end with Bryan tapping Triple H, retroactively justifying all the contempt and sadness we felt getting here. Remember how it felt when Benoit beat Shawn Michaels and Triple H to win the championship? It was f**king magic, not because Benoit was good at “workrate,” but because he was OUR GUY and he finally, finally triumphed over the living embodiment of NOT OUR GUY. Team USA beating the Russians. I ran around in the yard cheering and crying after that match.
I can do that again, right? I want to do that again. I want to YES and mean it.
Best: That Said, Daniel Bryan Is Now A Former World Heavyweight AND WWE Champion
:)
Best: An Additional Joke
What was with Triple H’s giant ref shirt? It looked like when somebody tries to put a removable t-shirt on an action figure.
Best: Smarten Up, Dixie
Dixie didn’t book this. If Dixie had booked this, Triple H would’ve pedigreed Orton and cashed in Orton’s briefcase on Bryan, only to immediately be challenged by Dan Henderson via a series of cryptic Vines. Then Orton would show up with the belt on Monday and we’d pretend the rest of it didn’t happen.
Make me feel better about Daniel Bryan losing the WWE Championship right after he won it, TNA jokes.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
McFlyGuy89
If Kane wins we Wyatt
ScooterMcGooch
Due to the lights, a mildly confused Sin Cara wanders out to the ring. Attempts to enter ring. RIP Sin Cara.
Juby14
We should’ve cheered for Triple H when he wanted us to
Fancy Catsup
Carnivore defeats herbivore through an assist from omnivore.
Mr Grift
Punk should have come out to the old 90′s X-Men Cartoon Theme. If you think Fandagoing is infectious, wait until you have a crowd doing those dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN’s.
Uncle Joey Oughta Know
Ryback thinks he’s the pope of chilli town.
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
In Paul Heyman’s Bible, Pontius Pilate personally beat Jesus’s scrawny ass all across Jerusalem, and then won the “Nail Your Opponent To The Cross” match.
Godamilk
Man if Cena killed Bryan, that would make one awkward episode of Total Divas.
PhilBallins
I must say, I’m really enjoying the hijinks of Bebop and Rocksteady on the outside here.
SnoopRob
Who the hell let Brandon off the plane 15 minutes early?!?
Thanks, everybody. See you back here tomorrow for the Best and Worst of Raw.
