David Eckstein is living the dream. Despite showing no obvious talent for baseball and being the size of a petite woman, Eck spent ten years in the Major Leagues, won two World Series championships, and somehow (according to Wikipedia) got a grown woman to sleep with David Eckstein. After a career of doing the impossible, he’s taking on a new goal: convincing people that baseball players can be decent human beings.
The Eckstein family is really into donating kidneys, and David is next on the list. He hasn’t officially retired, either, which means that he could show up on the Astros or the Marlins or whoever this season with only one operable kidney, hitting .270 and stealing 11-ish bases like nobody else possibly could.
Today’s Dugout is in tribute to a loving man who never stopped being kind of okay and trying really hard.
The Dugout
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**Online Host** Gallant improves his value over replacement player with "intangibles." |
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| EcksFactor: /grounds out to catcher | |
| EcksFactor: Hey, suh-suh-suh sorry about that fellas, I couldn’t hit the ball farther than my bat, we didn’t score the runs and lost the game | |
| VenableTraditions: It’s okay man, it’s September, none of us are scoring runs. | |
| EcksFactor: But I was tryin’ so hard! | |
| GarlandVocalBand: And we saw that. The fact that you hustled all the way to first even though the fat third string catcher thew you out from his knees before you left the batters box is the only thing that matters. | |
| EcksFactor: Gee, you guys are the best! | |
| VenableTraditions: Thanks. And hey, retire immediately | |
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**Online Host** |
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YesWayJose: /hits 800 foot home run /trots around the bases in empty stadium |
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| YesWayJose: wooooooooo jew see that | |
| YesWayJose: hey hobo, you play for the San Diego Surf Dawgz, right | |
| Hobo: possibly, not sure | |
| YesWayJose: jew see that, jew see that home run, I was like pschoooooooooo | |
| Hobo: no | |
| YesWayJose: aw c’mon, well at least the pitcher saw it, hey pitcher, what’d you think of my | |
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YesWayJose: pitcher? hey where did everybody go, where am I |
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| **Online Host** Gallant gives his wife flowers on Valentine’s Day. |
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| EcksFactor: Here you go, sweetheart, I love you with all of my heart! Happy Valentine’s Day. | |
| OppositeEcks: yeah right David Eckstein, nobody believes you have a wife | |
| EcksFactor: aw | |
| **Online Host** Goofus beats the sh;t out of his wife, pumps her full of steroids and tries to get her on a reality show. |
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| YesWayJose: hold still your butt is like a dense lead I have to use a ball peen to get the needle in | |
| Jessicanseco: I AM HOLDIN STILL GAWRD | |
| YesWayJose: hold still now omarosa’s gonna throw a drink in your face | |
| Jessicanseco: I TOLD YOU I’M HOWLDIN STILL JOSE | |
| YesWayJose: hold stil, i’m gonna boot you in the vag | |
| Jessicanseco: GAWRD | |
| **Online Host** Later, in the confessional |
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| Jessicanseco: I wasn’t holding still. /wipes away dry tear | |
| **Online Host** Gallant makes a kidney donation to help those in need. |
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| Doctor: So your kidney doesn’t actuall clean waste material from the blood? | |
| EcksFactor: no, not real well, but it does a lot of other things that you can’t really measure | |
| Doctor: Like what exactly? | |
| EcksFactor: like | |
| EcksFactor: like, uh, bein’ scrappy | |
| Doctor: Being scrappy. What is that. | |
| EcksFactor: they show a lot of heart. But I mean, you still die, because your kidney doesn’t work. ? | |
| **Online Host** Goofus forces his twin brother to donate a kidney instead. |
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| YesWayOzzay: NO I WON’T DO IT YOU CAN’T MAKE ME | |
| YesWayJose: GET IN THE TUB, OZZIE | |
| YesWayOzzay: NO IT’S FULL OF ICE | |
| YesWayJose: THIS IS MY CELEBREALITY YOU SON OF A BITCH, NOW GET INTO THE TUB OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL CELEBRIBOX YOU INTO IT | |
| **Online Host** Gallant watches Saved By The Bell on TBS in the morning before work. |
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| EcksFactor: lol screech | |
| **Online Host** Goofus Celebrity Boxes Mr. Tuttle. |
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| YesWayJose: /ropes a dope | |
| TuttlePower: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME! | |
| YesWayJose: /throws weak jabs | |
| TuttlePower: I’M DEAD, HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME |
