Our weekly look back through the best and worst of pro wrestling promo photos continues. If you missed week 1 and week 2, I encourage you to go back and check them out first, because otherwise you won’t be able to figure out my complexly layered jokes, like “Jeff Jarrett is terrible and looks like a monster.”
Week 3 encapsulates the last 20 years of WWE programming … legendary champions, beautiful Divas, the time Kane was a pro wrestling dentist and at least eight tag teams you’d completely forgotten about. Also, Steve Blackman holding weapons!
So please, click through to enjoy 50 more ridiculous WWE promo photos. If you don’t, Triple H is gonna look at you like that all day.
I never realized how modern Shawn Michaels is a hat and a pair of glasses away from being Dale Gribble from ‘King Of The Hill.’ You know what’s better than pulling your jeans up to your armpits? TUCKING YOUR SHIRT INTO THEM.
Two things Sid is great at:
1. powerbombs
2. Bohemian Rhapsody
Look at his face. Even HE doesn’t believe that thumbs up.
Thank goodness the cowboy tag team’s last names were “Gunn.” Imagine if they were Billy and Bart Jones? WWE would’ve just called them “These Grinning Assholes.”
Peter Gallagher in the role of his career.
Stacy Keibler has always been beautiful, right? Here she is in that weird period when she lost too much weight and started venturing into “we can’t put Cerie in this episode of ’30 Rock’ because we’re concerned about her” territory.
Stephanie tore her quad, but she finished the photoshoot anyway, because she is a WARRIOR.
I love Stevie’s autograph here. It’s like he’s saying, “hey, thank you for taking an interest in Stevie Richards. I’m gonna scribble over my crotch so you don’t have to look up my cut-offs for the rest of your life.”
Here’s Sunny during her weird “look as much like Stevie Ray Vaughan as possible” period.
You may not remember Sylvan (he was one half of La Resistance, if you don’t), but his solo run featured one of my legit favorite WWE entrance themes ever, THE WORLD IS SYLVAN. Enjoy, and share this with your grandchildren.
Sylvester Terkay has the handwriting of a girl in the third grade. What’s going on with your T, Sly?
“Hey, I’ve been wrestling as an Indian for like three years. Any ideas on how to make my gear worse?”
“Dick flap. Put a jack-o-lantern on it.”
“SOLD.”
Here’s one gas station attendant who’ll NEVER get shot by accident!
I don’t know why the Million Dollar Man is standing in a waterfall, but I’ll allow it.
Tekno Team 2000, or “What the Hardy Boyz would’ve been if Matt Hardy was both guys.”
for f**k’s sake
If this guy was my dentist, I’d fire him.
(get it)
One of my goals in life is to find out the actual lyrics to Test’s entrance theme. If I die without knowing them, I will wander the Earth forever. No, those lyrics you found by googling “Test entrance theme lyrics” are not the actual lyrics. Nobody knows them for sure. THEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW.
Shaniqua don’t work here no more.
The next time somebody finds out that you like wrestling and goes to the “wrestling is GAY” talking point, remember The Dicks, and realize that they are totally correct. Wrestling is super gay. Sorry if that bothers you!
I take it back. Pro wrestling is the most heterosexual thing in the world. Proof: an 8-foot tall man in a nude, airbrushed bodysuit with faux-fur underpants to cover his airbrushed privates, accompanied by a nervous nerd who stands at about dick height.
What happens when you make all four Original Kings Of Comedy into one guy. He’s even holding a mic stand, standing in front of a brick wall!
In 40 years, this photo becomes the Lemon Party.
Daivari has gone full Tom Haverford in this picture. How bad must Ranjin Singh feel trying to introduce himself to people? “Hi, I’m Ranjin Singh, I was the race-baiting guy who hung out with the Great Khali and pointed at him all the time. No, the other one.”
The GYMini! They’re twins, but they like to work out! DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU GET OUR JOKE.
I would’ve liked this team better if they’d been billed as The Sons Of The Dicks. El Hijo del Dick and Dick Jr.!
Remember when the “I’m Robbie!” catchphrase took over the nation? Now he’s got to apply for jobs at Target or wherever and just sorta forlornly drop his head and say “I was Robbie.”
The New Rockers, or “what The Rockers would’ve been if Marty Jannetty was both guys.”
The Road Warrior, or “What The Road Warriors would’ve been if Animal was both guys.” Hey, being an old dude in a leather jacket beats teaming with Heidenreich and Droz.
Dear 1996,
This guy is going to get really cool soon. Please do not stop booing him. If you start cheering him, it’ll go to his head, and 15 years later he’ll be the star of every movie. Every single movie. Just pretend like you don’t like him and cheer Steve Austin more.
Love,
2013 Brandon
Tim White signs under his name, because he doesn’t want to mess up that fantastic picture of Tim White.
WrestleCrap: The Announcer. “what’s the deal with the gobbeldygooker, am i right folks”
Or, as I’ve called him to no laughter for almost 20 years, “Salvatore Insincere.”
If you’re good at Magic Eye, you might be able to read these autographs.
Know why you can’t see the lower half of Tori’s legs? Because they glued her kneecaps to her chest to make boobs.
Speaking of WWE Torries, here’s The Lady Alex Rodriguez during her best character run, aka “that time she put shoes and a hat on a dog and carried it around.” We miss you, Chloe.
Never forget.
(Okay, forget.)
Trinity, or as she’s known in certain circles, Not Traci Brooks. Trinity, as in “God, look at her body,” “Jesus Christ, look at her face” and “something gross about how ‘spirit’ sounds like ‘spear it.'”
This is probably the grossest Triple H ever looked. Look at him. It’s like he accidentally ate a piece of strawberry chewing gum at Willy Wonka’s factory.
The Ultimate Warrior standing in a starfield. Your argument is invalid.
Here’s the Undertaker and his wife Sara. If you don’t remember Sara, she’s the kind of woman who inspires you to tattoo her name across your neck, until a few years later when you meet a lady who looks just like her, but is prettier and a few years younger.
IT’S TIME
IT’S TIME
IT’S … TIME TO BUY A JACKET AT JCPENNY
This close-up of Viscera’s face really encapsulates everything Viscera was about: being enormously fat, always pulling up his pants and finding his way into gimmicks worse than “being named after internal organs.”
moving along
Give it up for William Regal’s airbrushed abs!
This close-up of Zach Gowen really encapsulates everything Zach Gowen was about: having one leg.
“Thou shalt not own a motorcycle.”
And now, something amazing to cleanse your palate.
