As November 1st’s Rough N Rowdy Brawl swiftly approaches, we remain dedicated to the story of toughman fighter Bucky Boyd, the 7-foot bear-infused giant who talks a big game of sexual dominance and totem cannibalism and then instantly loses. He’s a fascinating figurehead of American sports rhetoric, and he promises to put anyone who steps into the ring with him in an “amallance on a shresher” or worse, in a “bollybag.”
I guess Bucky’s previous opponent “Tree” is busy and/or done beating up the world’s largest can, so Bucky’s fight card remains open. November 1st is only a few weeks away, though, and challengers are (literally) coming out of the woodwork to step up. Here we’ve presented the top three contenders, broken down their threats scientifically and assigned odds based on how likely they are to take down the McDowell County Giant.
Threat #1: Fearless Pals
“Fearless” Terry Spence seems like he’s going to be a legitimate threat at first, but then you find out that his major bragging point is that his “breathing ain’t where it’s supposed to be, but it’s good enough for this.” I CANNOT SLEEP UNATTENDED FOR FEAR OF SUFFOCATION, BUCKY BOYD, BUT I WILL BE OKAY TO PUNCH. Then you find out that his training regimen has been getting punched in the face repeatedly by his dopey friend in somebody’s finished basement. That has got to be the most West Virginia fight training of all time.
And hey, according to his sparring partner a Spence vs. Boyd fight would be “an easy, shut-down case.”
Odds he can beat Bucky Boyd: 1:1
Threat #2: All Hype Exploding Guy
Cody Sears is ALL HYPE and he is going to EXPLODE when he gets into the ring with Bucky Boyd. He will explode. When he gets in there, he’s gonna explode! He mentions it about thirty times, to the point that when he says he’s gonna “pull out his wallet” I sincerely thought he was gonna tell Bucky Boyd to look at his dick. Cody Sears thinks Cody Sears is beautiful and wants you to test his chin. PUT YOURSELF ON HIS CHIN, BUCKY, SEE WHERE IT GOES.
After the fight he’s gonna take his wallet and head over to the GameStop!
Odds he can beat Bucky Boyd: 1:1
Threat #3: The Belly
I didn’t think they could find a guy weirder than All Hype or less threatening than Breathless Terry Spence, but here’s “The Belly” Andrew Kincaid, an easy-going sort who promises to “put his belly on” Bucky Boyd and somehow use it to whoop his ass. I’m not sure if his stomach is prehensile or what, but he’s not only going to hold Bucky down with it, he’s giving up free punches. So … a fat guy who will let you get the first shot because he’s extremely confident in his own overwhelming fatness. GOT IT.
Odds he can beat Bucky Boyd: 1:1
Who should Bucky choose? Let us know in the comments below.
[h/t to Lobster Mobster]
