Hey everybody, are you ready to read some predictions on some fights? This weekend there’s a doubleheader of UFC action, as UFC Fight Night 53 and Fight Night 54 both take place on Saturday. This kind of insanity is no match for the mighty band of prognosticators we’ve got, so let’s dive right into the picks.
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 224-124-2 (64%)
Burnsy: 214-133-3 (61%)
Vince: 126-72-1 (63%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 56-34-1 (62%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 23-7 (77%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
UFC Fight Night 53
Fight Night 53 is coming to us from Stockholm, Sweden, starting at a nice and breezy 12:10 PM ET. Everything is on Fight Pass, so there are going to be at least eight local Scandinavian guys that nobody has ever heard of. We’re going to try our best!
Featherweight – Zubaira “Warrior” Tukhugov vs Ernest “The Mad Titan” Chavez
Jessica: There’s no way I’m picking against a dude from the Caucasus. Tukhugov takes this by third round TKO due to his mountain hardiness.
Burnsy: This is like a battle of opposite hairlines, and I’m going to take the Warrior over the Jason Statham stunt double.
Lightweight – Maribek “Beckan” Taisumov vs Marcin “Bomba” Bandel
Jessica: Another easy one for me. Taisumov all day, every day. He gets a decision for no particular reason.
Burnsy: I hate picking the same as Jessica when I have so much ground to make up, but I have to go with Taisumov to bounce back from his last loss with a win over the guy making his UFC debut.
Middelweight – Tor “The Hammer” Troeng vs Krzysztof Jotko
Jessica: This one I actually have to think about. I liked Tor on TUF, but he hasn’t really been that impressive against real UFC competition. Jotko’s a solid dude, and he’s got a good ground game. I’ll give Krzy the decision nod here.
Burnsy: This might be a pink slip fight for Troeng, and that’s not good. I’m taking Jotko to rebound from a loss and get the W.
Welterweight – Cathal “The Punisher” Pendred vs Gasan “Cobra” Umalatov
Jessica: Not all Irish dudes can have an easy time as Conor McGregor. The Gassy Umlaut is going to spit venom, get Pendred sluggish and force a tap out in the second round.
Burnsy: Pendred had that nice win in his debut, so I’m going to take him to repeat.
Featherweight – Dennis Siver vs Charles “The Boston Strangler” Rosa
Jessica: The king of the spinning back kick has returned! Siver is going to destroy this dude’s tummy with his signature move and notch a first round knockout victory.
Burnsy: I’d love to see a guy win in his debut and keep his record free of losses, but Siver’s going to annihilate this dude.
Welterweight – Nico Musoke vs Alexander “Thunder of the North” Yakovlev
Jessica: Yakovlev got thrown in the deep end his first time out when he took on Demian Maia. Musoke is more on his level, and I think Yakovlev nabs a TKO in the third round because he’s a Bad Boy.
Burnsy: I can’t pick against a guy with such an awesome nickname. Yakovlev sounds biblical with that Thunder business.
Middleweight – Magnus “Jycken” Cedenblad vs Scott Askham
Jessica: Cedenblad likes to chop heads with a nasty guillotine, and Askham is going to be just another victim. Jycken locks up a second round submission.
Burnsy: I’d really like to shake things up and make some picks that aren’t as similar as Jessica’s, but Scott Askham sounds like one of those jobbers you face in the first stages of a boxing video game.
Featherweight – Niklas Backstrom vs Mike “The Warrior” Wilkinson
Jessica: Backstrom is another really good grappler, much better than Wilkinson. He shouldn’t have much trouble getting the fight to the ground and taking out Mike in the first round.
Burnsy: F*ck it, I’ll take Wilkinson, even if he is the second Warrior on this card.
Light Heavyweight – Ilir “The Sledgehammer” Latifi vs Jan Blachowicz
Jessica: I’ve probably been unfairly counting out Ilir for too long, because dude is hella strong and could probably win by bear hug. Latifi wins in the second by submission (Please be by bear hug)
Burnsy: I don’t know anything about Jan other than he has a boy’s name like me, so I’ll stick with my guy Latifi.
Featherweight – Akira Corassani vs Max “Blessed” Holloway
Jessica: I didn’t like Akira on TUF and I still don’t like him. Holloway should obliterate his guts with body shots and finish him in the third by TKO. Now just work on getting that mustache to grow in like a real adult, Max.
Burnsy: I have a pretty decent feeling about this fight, so fingers crossed for a fun one. I’m sticking with Holloway on his win streak, as his last three have been a lot of fun to watch.
Welterweight – Gunnar “Gunni” Nelson vs Rick “The Horror” Story
Jessica: I know Burnsy is the biggest Nelson fan, but I think all the UPROXX staff likes him. Story’s decent on the ground, but Nelson is prone to just mauling dudes with his BJJ. Nelson takes this by third round submission.
Burnsy: I LIKED NELSON FIRST! Gunni wins and gets the winner of Fight Night 54. BOOK IT!
UFC Fight Night 54
Fight Night 54 will be from Halifax, Canada, but sadly TJ Grant and his leaky brain aren’t able to fight yet. This card will start at 7:00 PM ET on Fight Pass, so there should be plenty of time to nap between the end of the Sweden card and the beginning of the Canadian prelims.
Bantamweight – Pedro “The Young Punisher” Munhoz vs Jerrod “J-Reazie” Sanders
Jessica: Sanders has a real dingus of a nickname, so I’ll take Munhoz to take a decision.
Burnsy: The Young Punisher sounds like an adorably violent comic book that MUST BE MADE. Munhoz.
Welterweight – Albert “Einstein” Tumenov vs Matt Dwyer
Jessica: Again, there’s no way I pick against Tumenov. Albert wins by first round knockout. Sorry Matt, maybe I’d pick you if you were Andy Dwyer.
Burnsy: Einstein, specifically by another KO like the one he had against Lapsley back in May. That was rad. Again, please.
Flyweight – Patrick “The Hooligan” Holohan vs Chris Kelades
Jessica: I’ve never heard of Chris “Anthony” Kelades, so I’m going with Paddy Hooligan O’Houlihan by first round submission.
Burnsy: Hooligan cracks me up. He wins just for that.
Lightweight – Jason Saggo vs Paul “The Irish Dragon” Felder
Jessica: Felder’s a striker and Saggo is a grappler, and I never have confidence that a European striker (Especially from a British Isle) can defend take downs. Saggo gets a first round submission.
Burnsy: Felder’s Sherdog photo makes him look like the dickhead brother in every 80s movie. Saggo wins.
Lightweight – Olivier “The Quebec Kid” Aubin-Mercier vs Jake “The Librarian” Lindsey
Jessica: I know he didn’t too great against Jon Tuck, but I’m still fully on board the Librarian hype train. Lindsey wins by decision because “Quebec Kid” is even less intimidating than “Librarian”.
Burnsy: I’ll take Cousin Olivier. No real reason.
Lightweight – Daron “Detroit Superstar” Cruickshank vs Anthony “The Assassin” Njokuani
Jessica: KICK-FIGHT, AHOY! This should be a really cool bout, so long as neither guy remembers what it is to do grappling. I’m giving a very slight edge to Hermione’s Cat for reasons unknown. Daron takes a third round TKO victory.
Burnsy: Cruickshank has punished me for picking against him in the past, so I stick with him.
Bantamweight – Mitch “The Machine” Gagnon vs Roman Salazar
Jessica: Gagnon is a solid grappler, and I know nothing about Salazar. Gagnon wins by second round submission.
Burnsy: This seems like a surprisingly lame fight for the main card. Not that I have anything against either fighters, but I guess I’ll take Gagnon’s three-win streak over the random debut.
Welterweight – Nordine Taleb vs Li “The Leech” Jingliang
Jessica: On the flip side to some of my previous picks, I don’t think Jingliang is good enough of a wrestler to get Taleb down without getting blasted all up in his face bones a whole bunch. Taleb wins by third round KO.
Burnsy: Two guys who won their UFC debuts in their last fights, and two guys I barely know anything about. Maybe instead of having back-to-back events with inexperienced fighters, we could make one great event to allow these n00bs to get experience on the prelim cards. Whatever. I’ll take the Leech.
Middleweight – Elias “The Spartan” Theodorou vs Bruno “Carioca” Santos
Jessica: Carioca is basically a combination of tapioca and Carcosa, which is a horrifying prospect. Nobody wants to see that, which is why I’m taking Theodorou to win by first round KO. Also, I’m picking that because Santos has never finished anybody.
Burnsy: I’m taking Santos because I’m not picking “Spartan” nicknames anymore.
Lightweight – Yosdenis “The Pink Panther” Cedeno vs Chad “The Disciple” Laprise
Jessica: Yosdenis is probably still mad he got traded away from the Oakland A’s and will put on a striking clinic against Laprise. No finish, but a solid decision victory for Cedeno.
Burnsy: Cedeno, but only if he comes out to the Pink Panther music. Otherwise, I’m taking Laprise.
Bantamweight – Raphael Assuncao vs Bryan “Kid Lightning” Caraway
Jessica: Hahaha, Assuncao’s going to breakdance all over Caraway on the ground and submit him in the first. Then maybe Manny Gamburyan will run in and sock him just for the hell of it. Nobody likes you, Bryan. You are the anti-Gunni.
Burnsy: Assoncow, always.
Welterweight – Rory “Ares” MacDonald vs Tarec “Sponge” Saffiedine
Jessica: Remember the good old days when the go-to joke for Rory was that he was a hipster that kind of dressed like a Gestapo officer? Now he’s a full-fledged emotionless serial killer. Anyway, he always seems to gas out towards the end of the second round, which isn’t good since this thing is scheduled for five. Also not good is that Tarec Saffiedine will probably expedite that by kicking Rory in the legs and torso a bunch. Saffiedine nearly goofed up something fierce when he didn’t finish Hyun Gyu Lim back in January, but I think he’s learned from that mistake and won’t let Rory walk out of the cage. Saffiedine wins by fourth round (Leg Kick) TKO.
Burnsy: Two guys whose records suggest they love to let the judges decide. Oy vey, I just don’t know what to do with Rory anymore, but I’m going to keep picking him until he gets a title shot.
