Holy cow, fight fans. It’s here, Anderson Silva versus Michael Bisping, and we don’t even have to pay $60 to see it. Granted, it’s exclusively on Fight Pass in the US, so you’ve gotta shell out $10 per month for that service, but that’s well worth it here. The fights start at 12:45 PM ET, and it’s a full 13-fight card, so let’s take a look at the predictions.
2016 Important Results:
Jessica: 35-26-2 (59 percent)
Burnsy: 26-23-1 (52 percent)
Ryan: 5-1 (83 percent)
Jason: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 3-3 (50 percent)
Justin: 11-1 (92 percent)
Marty: 4-5 (44 percent)
Jared: 6-6 (50 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Dr. Vet: 19-4-2 (80 percent)
Lightweight – David Teymur vs Martin Svensson
Jessica: TUF Whatever team Europe pals collide! Svensson seemed pretty good, and I guess he’s one of the uncrowned champs of that disaster of a season (Seriously, look at the bracket, both Svensson and Saul Rogers were never defeated in the tournament). I’ll go with Svensson because why the heck not. Svensson submits Teymur the Lame in the third.
Burnsy: Fine, I’ll take Teymur in the battle of “Oh did the event start already? It’s Saturday morning and I’m confused.”
Lightweight – Teemu “Pacu” Packalen vs Thibault Gouti
Jessica: I think “Thibault Gouti” is just Gleison Tibau in a shitty disguise, trying to fight while he’s supposed to be supsended for EPO. Wait, never mind, I looked him up. He’s a dingus from the Faber/McGregor season of TUF and he lost in the qualifying round to David Teymur. Also, he’s somehow a French dude? My entire universe is burning to the ground right now!
Pack a Lunch lost to Mike the Fight in the UFC, but he does have several wins over guys named Olli during his days on the Finland amateur circuit. Gouti has two KO wins over Fin Men, so despite my disappointment that he’s not a stocky Brazilian grappler, I’ll take Gouti to win by second round KO. Hey Teemu, you better Pack It In, buddy.
Burnsy: Teemu Packalen and Thibault Gouti? Are these fighters or erection pills? But seriously, folks, Joe Rogan and Dana White are so bald and loud that they make Stone Cold Steve Austin sound like Marlee Matlin. My time is up now, thanks for hanging around. Bill Engvall is up next. Pacu wins.
Heavyweight – Daniel Omielanczuk vs Jarjis “Man Mountain” Danho
Jessica: Jarjis Danho is totally a tertiary Game of Thrones character that probably ends up getting stabbed through the brain, but he does appear to have a lot of power in his grabbers. Owe Me A Lunch Truck has losses to Anthony Hamilton and Jared Rosholt, and I’m pretty sure both of those fights were concentrated garbage juice. Oat Meal And Cuck does have some knockout power, though he’s apparently more of a submission guy. This is a coin flip that I don’t care about, so let’s say that Jarjis knocks out Oh Me? Alan Chuck in the second round.
Burnsy: Okay, it’s that time of the week again, when there’s a heavyweight fight between a nobody and a newcomer, and I put my faith in the undefeated newcomer that I’ve never heard of to save this sinking turd of a division. Is Man Mountain the fighter who will save the heavyweights by steamrolling his way to the top of the worst division in the history of professional MMA? Yes. One hundred percent.
Lightweight – “Stormin” Norman Parke vs Rustam “Tiger” Khabilov
Jessica: Aww, poor baby Hobby-Lov. I had crazy high hopes for all-encompassing Dagestan Domination, but that’s in jeopardy with Rustam on a two-fight skid. I think he’s got this one, though, since Parke’s lost to Gleison Tibau and Francisco Trinaldo, two pressure-heavy grapplers. As long as Khabilov sambos the heck outta Parke, he should have this in the papakha. Khabilov wins by decision.
Burnsy: One of Tiger’s two recent UFC losses was at least to Benson Henderson. Parke lost splits to two mid-carders and reached a draw with Leonardo Santos. This is a good rebound fight for Khabilov.
Middleweight – Brad “Bear” Scott vs Krzystzof Jotko
Jessica: I literally never remember anything about Jotko other than he got his head pulled off by Magnus Cedenblad like two years ago. Not that I can remember anything about Scott, though I’m sure I’ve seen UFC fights when they happened. I guess I’m more impressed that Scott guillotined Dylan Andrews and to a lesser extent Michael Kuiper than I am by Jotko winning decisions against Tor Troeng and the ASK HAM. We’ve got a guillotine guy fighting a guillotine victim. Let’s go with Scott to chop Jotko’s head in the second.
Burnsy: Scott has been win one/lose one since coming to the UFC, and he’s set to lose this one by that scientific formula. Realistically, using my actual brains, this fight is going to be boring as hell and Jotko will win via decision.
Featherweight – Arnold “Almighty” Allen vs Yaotzin Meza
Jessica: Despite being just 8-years-old, Allen impressed me in his octagonal debut against Alan Omer. Meza’s UFC run has been really up and down, and not even against super great competition (Other than Chad Mendes). I’ll say that Allen wins this one with his punchies instead of his subs. Allen with a second round TKO sounds good to me.
Burnsy: Meza’s 2-3-1 in the UFC and has shown no signs of being worthy of a pick. I don’t know the first thing about Allen, but he’s not Meza, so I know enough to pick him.
Middleweight – Scott Askham vs Chris Dempsey
Jessica: Do not doubt the GREAT AND POWERFUL ASK HAM. You have questions, desires and dark secrets, but all is known by THE ASK HAM. It’s one thing to get sparked out by Ilir Latifi, that dude is strong enough to KO a truck. But for Dempsey to get put to sleep by Jonathan Wilson, who is a totally fake, made up, not at all real person? For shame, Demps, for shame. THE MYSTERIOUS ASK HAM has honey-glazed and spiral-sliced fists of fury, and they are coming for Dempsey’s face. ASK HAM wins by second round KO.
Burnsy: Ask who? Ask…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rek6iyOfwKE
What a possible dud of a fight. Dempsey’s role in the octagon through three fights has been a KO victim. In his one win in three UFC fights, Askham KO’d Antonio dos Santos Jr. That’s about all I’ve got to pick him, because Dempsey offers no reason for faith.
Bantamweight – “Dangerous” Davey Grant vs Marlon “Chito” Vera
Jessica: I’m going with Grant, because I don’t think Vera’s grappling is good enough to neutralize Davey’s. The striking will be whatever, I’m thinking Grant looks for take downs, gets them, and works his subs. Grant gets the tap in the third.
Burnsy: Vera has won a fight in the UFC while Grant hasn’t. I’ll take Vera. I know, I don’t know how I’m not on the UFC pre-show either.
Featherweight – Makwan “Mr. Finland” Amirkhani vs Mike “The Warrior” Wilkinson
Jessica: What the heck is an Mike Wilkinson? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m a ride or die Mr. Finland supporter. Makwan is going to trounce Wilkinson here, probably by first round TKO. I just want to know what’s it gotta take for my main man to get a better spot on the card?
Burnsy: Yeah, we don’t pick against Mr. Finland around these parts. Bugger off, Wilkinson.
*Bantamweight – Francisco “Cisco” Rivera vs Brad “One Punch” Pickett
Jessica: Brad last one-punched a dude in 2012. I think it’s time to get a new nickname, bub. Rivera, on the other, meaty and dangerous hand, has a much higher rate of knocking folks out. I’m slightly worried that his crazy fight with John Lineker might have eroded his chin a bit too much, or that Pickett will catch him in a submission, but nuts to that. I want fireworks and I want ’em now! Rivera wins by second round KO.
Burnsy: Good lord, why are we being punished like this? Ol’ One Punch has lost five of his last seven, including three in a row. The only thing being punched is his ticket out of the UFC. Rivera has lost three of his last four, so he’s not exactly sniffing championship gold either. I guess someone has to win this one, so I’ll take Rivera to send Pickett elsewhere.
Welterweight – Tom “The Octopus” Breese vs Keito “K-Taro” Nakamura
Jessica: All praise Breese, destroyer of Pendred, savior of the division. Nakamura is cool, too, but he’s not “beat Cathal Pendred out of the UFC and into retirement” cool. I’ll take Breese to win a fun, grapple-heavy decision.
Burnsy: My undefeated fighter siren, as dusty as it has been lately, is ringing for Breese. Nothing against K-Taro, as he has won five in a row, including his UFC debut in September, but Breese seems like an out-of-nowhere badass. I’ll stick with him to win his third straight since joining the UFC.
Middleweight – Gegard “The Dreamcatcher” Mousasi vs Thales Leites
Jessica: Gay-Hard Moose Assy and Tallest Ladies was a clue on Jeopardy! in the category of “Popular RedTube Search Terms,” with the answer being “Who is Dana White?”. I have to give respect to Leites. He came back from two trashfire fights against Anderson Silva and Alessio Sakara and a submission loss to Matt Horwich, rattled off 3 wins to get back in the UFC, then 5 more in the company, including punching Francis Carmont to Bellator. Mousasi has had a kind of rocky run in the UFC, and I can’t imagine that anybody thought he’d lose to Uriah Hall. That being said, Leites isn’t that dynamic of a striker. He might have good power and really good grappling, but I think Mousasi’s defensive wrestling will be decent enough to keep the fight standing. Mousasi is a really good kickboxer, and I think he can out-strike Leites. Not enough to stop him, but enough to win the fight. Mousasi takes a decision.
Burnsy: I’ll take Leites here to mix things up, even though losing to Michael Bisping is usually all the red flag I need to not pick a guy.
Middleweight: Anderson “The Spider” Silva vs Michael “The Count” Bisping
Jessica: Oh dang, this is super weird. Years ago, I used to think “man, if silva ever loses the belt, he can beat the shit outta bisping as a tune up before his title rematch” because I knew that, no matter how long of a timeline, DJ Mikey B would never actually get a title opportunity. He’s always destined to fall just short any time there’s even a hint of his fight being considered to be a “title eliminator”. Anyway, I’m kinda sad because Silva lost the belt and the rematch in two of the more devastating back-to-back Ls a champ has ever taken. Speaking of taken, Andy then had to rely on taking some weird blue Thai boner juice to fight Nick Diaz, and despite facing one of the more flat-footed, non-angle cutting fighters of all time, Silva didn’t put the kickboxing clinic on him that I was expecting. That’s a ton of words to say that I don’t know if Anderson by god Silva has what it takes to whomp the shit out of Michael Bisping at this point in his life. It’s certainly an interesting bit of dichotomy, since a loss to Mike means Silva needs to call it a career, and a win probably means he gets to kick Vitor in the head again. Anyway, Bisping’s cardio point fighting style normally wouldn’t be great, since lest we ever forget, this is the same dude that circled directly into a freight train right hand from Dan Henderson. Now, though, my brain thinks Bisping could avoid getting his face pulped and land enough tepid jabs and low kicks to eke out a decision.
And then the video of Mikey kicking his coach in the face came out, with Silva mocking him by throwing a faster, more accurate kick while standing on a balance beam. My doubts melted away and now I’m convinced Silva will obliterate Bisping. Spider wins by first round KO.
Burnsy: My brain, gut, and heart tell me not to pick against Silva in his latest comeback, especially since he’s fighting Bisping and I just don’t like Bisping. Something inside of me is telling me to pick Bisping, though. I don’t know why I have this weird feeling, like maybe Silva just plummeted from UFC GOD to MMA punchline following his two losses to Chris Weidman and the whole drug debacle, or maybe it’s because Bisping doesn’t lose in London and this seems like the perfect stupid trap fight that he can take advantage of to win and somehow earn himself a title fight. Ugh,what a debacle I’ve painted myself into here. I guess I’ll stick with Spider, just because it would be amazing to see him make Bisping look stupid with his old ways. Come on back to us, Spider of old.
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Amirkhani, Silva
Burnsy: Breese, Khabilov
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Breese vs Nakamura
Burnsy: Askham vs Dempsey (I know, but f*ck it, maybe they just go all-out stupid)
