Hey, fight fans, we’ve got some heavyweight action here. Frank Mir and Mark Hunt will clash in Australia in the main event, but before that, we’ve got a whole card to contend with. Let’s take a look at the predictions for UFC Fight Night 85. Prelims start at 7 p.m. ET on Fight Pass, the regular prelims kick off at 8 p.m. ET on Fox Sports 1, and the main card stays on FS1, beginning at 10 p.m. ET.
2016 Important Results:
Jessica: 47-39-2 (55 percent)
Burnsy: 42-32-1 (57 percent)
Ryan: 5-1 (83 percent)
Jason: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 10-8 (56 percent)
Justin: 13-4 (76 percent)
Marty: 10-11 (48 percent)
Jared: 13-11 (54 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Dr. Vet: 27-8-2 (76 percent)
An important message from our most dominant special guest, Dr. Vet:
A few weeks ago, a bunch of cats went 10-1 on you dudes. You see, if they do well, we’re all going to brag and the cats will haughtily gnosh the s%^t out of some Whiskas. If it’s a bad week of picks, hey, they’re cats, what are you gonna mew about it?
This week, we brought in a special guest. You see, this special guest was thrown out of a truck onto the interstate. A young couple stopped, picked this guest up, and rushed him to the nearest vet — which happened to be where Dr. Vet works. He was not in good shape…at all. Everyone involved decided to fight for whatever it was they could fight for and, in the end, after losing a lot of blood and now missing an eye and an ear, Sam the Puppy will be doing the picks today.
If you don’t know how this works, we printed out the match up pages from UFC.com and put a small amount (about a teaspoon-ish) of wet dog food next to a picture of each fighter. The food the dog eats first is the predicted winner.
(Look closely at the match ups and the predictions, you might notice a pattern. Every fighter Sam chose was on the right side of the match up pictures. He has no left eye, T-Boz or Chilli. People still listen to TLC, right?)
Lightweight – Alan “Nuguette” Patrick vs. Damien “Beatdown” Brown
Jessica: Brown has fought like thirty dudes with super fake made up names. At least I’ve seen Patrick in the cage against actual, factual people. Patrick wins this by third round TKO.
Jason: Patrick
Burnsy: Alan Patrick is pound-for-pound the greatest fighter in the world with two first names. Or maybe he isn’t, I honestly have no idea who these guys are. I know I’ve seen AlPat fight before, but I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup of guys named Alan Patrick. Whatever, let’s give him the hat trick prediction and move on.
Dr. Vet: Brown
Lightweight – Ross “The Real Deal” Pearson vs. Chad “The Disciple” Laprise
Jessica: Both guys have lost to Francisco Trinaldo, only Laprise got stopped, the first time since 2012 that Trinaldo finished a guy with strikes. Pearson’s got really good strikes, so I’m going to do awful math and say that Ross wins by second round KO.
Jason: Pearson
Burnsy: I do not know what it is about Pearson that makes me not like him at all, but he’s got that anti-IT factor with me. Laprise was on a nice roll in the UFC before he was stopped by Trinaldo, so I’ll pick him because I have no clue why I dislike Pearson’s face so much.
Dr. Vet: Laprise
Welterweight – “Filthy” Richard Walsh vs. Viscardi Andrade
Jessica: Andrade was TKO’d by Charles Oliveira, a sometimes featherweight. I’m throwing in with Walsh because I will never stop calling him Dirty Dick. Walsh wins this by decision.
Jason: Andrade
Burnsy: While I appreciate the Filthy One and want to see him make progress in the UFC and become a known fighter, I’m taking Andrade’s experience in this one.
Dr. Vet: Andrade
Bantamweight – Leslie “Peacemaker” Smith vs. Rin Nakai
Jessica: Smith has like nine hundred inches on Nakai, so I expect Rin to eat a sh*t ton of punches as she tries to close the distance on take downs. I really don’t want Rin to lose, because she’ll be sold back into Pancrase’s weird fetish dungeon, but I just don’t see how she gets the job done. Smith wins by third round TKO.
Jason: RIN NAKAI
Burnsy: How do you call yourself the Peacemaker in combat sports? That’s silly. Anyway, peace will be made on Rin’s face when Smith wins.
Dr. Vet: Nakai
Featherweight – Dan “The Hangman” Hooker vs. Mark Eddiva
Jessica: I can’t pick a dude who trains Wushu. I just can’t. I’m taking Hooker to win by second round TKO.
Jason: Hooker
Burnsy: I’m picking Hooker, too, but dude needs to change his nickname to Heart of Gold.
Dr. Vet: Eddiva
Welterweight – Brendan “The Badger” O’Reilly vs. Alan “Brahma” Jouban
Jessica: O’Reilly’s face is all weird and mutton choppy. Jouban’s face is all pretty and handsome. I’m taking Jouban to keep his face looking pristine and mess up O’Reilly’s face. Jouban wins by second round TKO.
Jason: Jouban
Burnsy: HANDSOME ALERT! HANDSOME ALERT! Jouban needs a big bounce back fight here, after being embarrassed by Einstein his last time out. He’ll get a good win here.
Dr. Vet: Jouban
Strawweight – “Rowdy” Bec Rawlings vs. Seo Hee Ham
Jessica: Bec is going to get her face kicked a bunch in this one. She’s tough, though, so I think it’ll be a good scrap. Ham takes this by decision. Ham will probably also win the walkout battle and she’s got a great doggy.
Jason: Ham
Burnsy: Screw it, I’ll take Rawlings here even if she really needs to get a new nickname that hasn’t already been owned by another, much better female fighter.
Dr. Vet: Well, for the second time, a predicting animal peed on a fighter. Guinness wasn’t here, but there is no way this isn’t a record amount of urine. Pretty sure we were told to gather two of every animal. Pick: Ham (Pee and Ham soup).
Middleweight – James Te Huna vs. Steve “The Boss” Bosse
Jessica: Te Huna’s had a rough go of it recently, but this is a marquee match up against a former hockey man who took a huge knockout loss in his last fight. Te Huna wins by first round KO.
Jason: Te Huna
Burnsy: Te Huna has to win this one so he can sing for us and make me smile.
Dr. Vet: “ARFARFWOOOOFWOOFWOOFBOSSEARFARARARARARAH,” Sam said, while completely ignoring Te Huna’s existence. Pick: Bosse.
Middleweight – Dan Kelly vs. Antonio “Cara de Sapato” Carlos Junior
Jessica: FAAAAACE SHOOOOOE! Kelly’s an old man with a stumpy reach, and FACE SHOE is a young grappler named FACE SHOE. ACJ wins by second round submission.
Jason: Dan Kelly
Burnsy: I dunno, I’ll take Antonio Carlos Junior. My mind just farted because he made me think of Antonio Sabato Jr., and that made me think of The Big Hit, which I used to love because it was so bad, but I watched it recently and it’s just such an all-around awful movie. Ugh.
Dr. Vet: Pick: Carlos Junior
Lightweight – Jake “The Celtic Kid” Matthews vs. Johnny “Hollywood” Case
Jessica: I’m going with Matthews because I think he’s fought tougher competition in the UFC than Case has. Matthews taps Case in the third.
Jason: Johnny Case
Burnsy: I’m going with Case by nut punch, because he’s the closest thing to Johnny Cage we’ll ever have.
Dr. Vet: This is the first time Sam noticed the other pile of food, which he ate second. However… it was promptly forgotten. Pick: Case.
Welterweight – Neil Magny vs. Hector “Showeather” Lombard
Jessica: Heck yeah, Neil Magny! Lombard is a big dumb cheating jerk, so boo to him. Magny wins this be decision.
Jason: Hector Lombard
Burnsy: Magny defeated my boy Kelvin Gastelum via split decision his last time out, so he earned respect on top of crazy respect I already had for him as a fighter. He wins easily.
Dr. Vet: Sam added insult to injury and drooled all over Hector Lombard. He’ll probably be fined and suspended by the athletic commission. Pick: Magny (Decision)
Heavyweight – Frank Mir vs. Mark “Super Samoan” Hunt
Jessica: Mir does have very dangerous submissions, but he’s got to get the fight to the ground, first. That’s not going to happen, though, because Hunt will just throw him to the side. Hunt lands a monstrous left hand and Frank Mir turns to dust. Hunt wins by first round KO.
Jason: Mark Hunt
Burnsy: This seems like a fight that Hunt should win easily, because, well, Mir is at the gimme point of his career. Hunt is arguably there, too, but I’ll always pull for the big fella to knock someone’s skull off. Plus, if Hunt wins he will automatically be back in the conversation for the heavyweight belt, because there are five healthy heavyweights right now, and I’d bet a shiny nickel that Cain Velasquez gets injured again before he can even weigh in against Travis Browne at UFC 200. Anywho, yay Mark Hunt!
Dr. Vet: This was over before it really began and the picture that served as the prediction became less a piece of paper and more a surfboard, as Sam went gonzo the moment his feet hit the ground. He ran, pounced on Mark Hunt’s head, tearing it beyond repair, and finished by inhaling the food. In retrospect, maybe we should have started at the bottom of the card and not the top.
Pick: Mir (Guillotine)
Performance of the Night
Jessica: HUNTO, FACE SHOE
Burnsy: Magny, Case
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Ham vs. Rawlings
Burnsy: Matthews vs. Case
