The Week 8 Fantasy Football Support Group: Save A Little For The Rest Of The Season, Calvin

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Before we get into the twig and berries of this week’s fantasy football woes, I wanted to quickly highlight my two favorite parts of that Dallas Cowboys/Detroit Lions game that was obviously at the epicenter of most peoples’ fantasy wins or losses.

  1. All credit to Matt Stafford for his decision to pretend that he was going to spike the ball on the one, as he claimed he didn’t tell anyone before he thought to himself, “F*ck it, I’m taking this one in.” I’ve always liked Stafford and it’s nice to see him show some balls and make that kind of decision, even if it does lead to Jim Schwartz whipping his headset to the ground like he’s so damn smart and cool. But how about the balls on Reggie Bush for comparing it to that time he shoved Matt Leinart into the end zone for a touchdown? Cool story, Reggie.
  2. Now that there’s video and, more importantly, audio of what Dez Bryant was saying on the sideline when everyone tried to make him into a villain and the next Terrell Owens, and it proves that he was being positive and trying to rally his teammates, I hope he gets his own half hour show on which he just talks shit about different media personalities and makes stuff up about them. It’s only fair.

Now, about that Calvin Johnson fella… I think he might have a future in this league.

You Probably Lost If You Played Against: Calvin Johnson (14 receptions, 329 yards, 1 TD)

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Here’s the funny thing, though – Calvin might not have even had the highest fantasy points total for a WR in your league, depending on the scoring. So you probably also lost if you played against Marvin Jones. “Who the f*ck is Marvin Jones?” is a question I heard several dozen times on Sunday. And I know two people who started him as a bye week filler. That’s some voodoo witchcraft bullshit right there, people. And if you’re one of the witch doctors that started Jones and his 122 yards and 4 TDs, you need to watch your back for the Grim Reaper, because he will come to collect your soul soon enough.

The QBs Who Broke Our Hearts This Week: Michael Vick, Geno Smith, Robert Griffin III, Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Matt Ryan

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I guess I’ll cut off the list at the 13-point mark, and I probably shouldn’t even include Matt Ryan on this list because of how decimated his receiving corps is, but what the hell, he’s still supposed to be borderline elite. Anyway, if I’m one of those so-called experts from the three- and four-letter sites, I’d probably have an article up this morning about how it’s time to bail on Tom Brady and take whatever you can get for him. Don’t do it, though. Damn it, don’t you give up on Dreamboat. Sure, find another QB to start in the meantime, but you never count Brady out.

I was forced to start Geno Smith in the league I have Philip Rivers and Andrew Luck, and that’s not the worst option, but he hasn’t had back-to-back good weeks all season. I knew that wouldn’t change for me and my awful Jets-hating luck, but damn it, I’m took cocky for my own good. The only other option was Ben Roethlisberger and I still would have lost, because he sucked, too.

The RBs Who Broke Our Hearts This Week: Steven Jackson, Darren Sproles, Giovani Bernard, Marshawn Lynch, LeSean McCoy

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It was a pretty good week for most RBs, but Lynch and McCoy were pretty big deals because they’re first round picks. McCoy is far more of a concern, writes the guy whose hopes and dreams are hanging on Shady’s talented back, because he should be awesome this year. He showed us early on that he could be awesome with Chip Kelly, but now nothing is working. Obviously, this is a problem caused by Philly’s awful QB situation, with Vick being Vick and Matt Barkley being a former USC QB in the NFL, but teams have proven before that they can win behind a talented RB. *COUGH MINNESOTA VIKINGS LAST YEAR COUGH*

The WRs Who Broke Our Hearts This Week: Greg Jennings, Dwayne Bowe, Danny Amendola, Marques Colston, Justin Blackmon, Denarius Moore, Pierre Garcon, Eric Decker, Mike Wallace, Hakeem Nicks, DeSean Jackson

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I guess I’ll cut this list off around the 8-point mark, because everyone else basically did what was expected of them. That list of receivers, though, reads like my preseason Who’s Who of “Yeah, I Guess I’ll Draft This Guy If He’s Available As My 4th WR And I Need Trade Bait For Another RB At Some Point.” Also, I have Blackmon in all three leagues and have been bummed about his past two performances, but I think it was clear that for at least Week 8 the Jaguars were trying desperately to feature Maurice Jones-Drew for a trade. And if they can even get a 5th rounder for him at this point, they should do it. The tires are bare on that one, my friends. The tires are bare.

The Year Of The Tight End Hit A Snag

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Unless you had Jimmy Graham, who is a ridiculous freak of nature, or Vernon Davis, who should seriously be facing quadruple coverage right now, you probably didn’t get much out of your TE this week. Jordan Reed was still solid, but his success will depend on who is playing QB in Washington, and I think that if you’ve been blessed with Jordan Cameron’s early season success, it might be time to sell for as high as you can. But then again, I’m not an expert and he’ll probably just end up with 200 yards and 4 TDs next week.

Share your horror stories in the comments and let’s all pray for a better Week 9.