The Week 9 Fantasy Football Support Group: Time To Take A Seat, Ray Rice

I had the No. 12 pick in my 12-team league’s standard snake draft this year, and while making my brief and never accurate list of guys I planned to target and draft in the first three rounds, I had Dez Bryant and Chris Johnson tabbed as my first two picks. I ended up with LeSean McCoy and Ray Rice, which was incredible to me – like Santa Claus knocked up my mom – because these are two borderline elite RBs and this league is a .5PR so I thought that I was guaranteed 30-40+ points per week with these guys alone.

Obviously, McCoy has been solid, with a few bad weeks but mostly strong performances. Rice, on the other hand, has been awful. I hate saying that because he’s been one of my favorite all-around athletes to watch since his days at Rutgers. Is he to blame for this season of suck? I don’t think so. My not-an-expert analysis would put the blame on Baltimore’s terrible offensive line, because Bernard Pierce looks awful, too. But does that solve our problem, fellow Rice owners? Nope.

Sadly, as much as I’d love to suggest benching Rice, unless you have a better option (fortunately, I grabbed Zac Stacy earlier this season) you really can’t. He’s that guy who will most likely blow up as soon as you give up on him, and then you’re not just the kid who pooped your pants in kindergarten, but also the guy who benched Rice. It’s a double-edged sword, this fickle bitch that is fantasy football.

You Probably Lost If You Played Against: Andre Johnson (40+ points, depending on your league’s scoring)

I did. I was up 40 when that game started. It was brutal. Like watching a deranged ex-girlfriend destroy my car.

You Also Probably Lost In Much More Humiliating Fashion If You Played Against: Nick Foles (59+ points)

Obviously, Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance in Week 1 couldn’t be passed off as a fluke. If you lost to the person who started him, you couldn’t really complain, because you should always expect Manning to come out trying to throw for 600 yards and 10 TDs each week. But Foles? If you or someone you know played against someone who started Foles this week, it’s okay to seek counseling.

The QBs That Broke Our Hearts This Week: Aaron Rodgers, Alex Smith, Andy Dalton, Matt Ryan, Robert Griffin III, Jake Locker

This was a pretty solid week for QBs, but Rodgers’ injury might have a lot of people reeling right now. Normally, I wouldn’t include Alex Smith or Jake Locker on this list, because we don’t expect much from them as it is, but this was a big bye week, so there’s a good chance you had to reluctantly start one of these third tier guys (like I did… thanks for nothing, Locker). Or you were smart enough to start Foles and therefore I hate you.

The RBs That Broke Our Hearts This Week: Darren Sproles, Darren McFadden, Ryan Matthews, Ray Rice, DeMarco Murray, DeAngelo Williams, Trent Richardson, Steven Jackson, Fred Jackson

This is a few weeks old but it’s adorable.

Unless you’re psychic or you have absolutely no other options at RB, and your only subsequent choice is to keep starting him with a hope and a prayer, Sproles should probably take a seat, too. Or maybe any RB named Darren. That seems to be safe.

Awful Story Time: I was sitting at my bar, strategically watching every game that mattered to me on Sunday, and this random guy sat next to me. For two hours, I had to listen to him brag about how he started Chris Ivory. Who was he talking to? No one. He was baiting the crowd for anyone to talk to, and the only way to ignore that bait is to be a big, ol’ dickhead. My reaction? Classic bar stool Ron Swanson.

The WRs That Broke Our Hearts This Week: Jeremy Kerley, Jarrett Boykin, Golden Tate, Terrance Williams, Josh Gordon, Jordy Nelson, Dez Bryant, Marvin Jones, Torrey Smith, Denarius Moore, Mike Wallace

I guess I’ll cut this off at the 8 point mark, since a lot of receivers had solid-to-great weeks. Five guys topped the 20-point mark, including DeSean Jackson (usually capable of it), Aaron Dobson (haha, okay), Jerricho Cotchery (really?), TY Hilton (expected and about time), Riley Cooper (why, God, why?) and Andre Johnson. Really, aside from Bryant and Nelson (who was screwed by Rodgers’ injury), there wasn’t any real devastation provided by underperforming WRs this week. That’s good, I guess.

*throws dart at Andre Johnson’s picture*

The Year Of The Tight End Marches On

The Top 5 tight ends in fantasy points this week reads exactly how a list of fantasy tight end performances should read (during a week that Vernon Davis and Julius Thomas are on byes):

  1. Jimmy Graham
  2. Rob Gronkowski
  3. Jason Witten
  4. Tony Gonzalez
  5. Greg Olsen

You could argue that last one, but I’ve always like G-Ols. Meanwhile, seven other TEs had TDs this week, so it’s safe to say that this is still one of the best fantasy seasons in history for the typically worthless position.

As always, horror stories below, especially if they join me in cursing Andre Johnson, that big, old jerk.