“Is this going to rip my nipples off?”
As I know that you’ve been reading along with my previous three episode recaps of the mesmerizing E! reality series What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, you know that my consistent and greatest complaint about this otherwise revolutionary TV series is that they’re cramming way too much into each episode. This week’s episode, “… If He Got Plastered?” brings my complaint to center stage, because after four episodes, this sucker is gassed. That’s terrible news for an 8-episode show.
For starters, I thought we were about to hit paydirt, as the title led me to believe that with long-distance love interest Jaimee back in London, Ryan and the Lochterage were going to spend an entire episode cutting loose. That was only sort of true. In classic WWRLD fashion, this episode had multiple stories running at one time, but the best story – Ryan’s budding affair with fellow Olympian Chantae McMillan – took back Foreman Grill to his loyalty to his boys (again, The Lochterage) and his favorite night club, 101 Downtown in Gainesville.
That’s correct, friends, Ryan’s fortress of solitude is a nightclub in Gainesville. Alas, the club’s manager Alex knows who butters his bread, so he asked Ryan for a little something to display in the club to let people know that this is the House (Music) that Ryan Lochte Built. At first, the 11-time Olympic medalist suggests an autographed pair of hot pink Speedos, but Ryan’s personal assistant and black friend, Gene, has a different idea. They’re going to make a statue of Ryan’s world-famous chest and abs. And of course the girl applying the plaster to his chest and abs will be attractive.
Get it? What Would Ryan Lochte Do If He Got Plastered!!! Again, this show’s genius is so far ahead of its time that it has caused us to go back in time. That’s why, I presume, that at one point in this episode, Ryan claims that we’re in the 20th century.
Unfortunately, he also claims that he’s unhappy with the result of the statue, because despite the shirtlessness, partying, making out with drunk fives, and showing off his morning wood, Ryan wants us to understand that he’s not a sex symbol. Well, he knows that he’s considered one, because he’s seen the magazine that talk about the “sexiest man alives”, but he doesn’t consider himself a sex symbol. He’s just Ryan Lochte, a bro who likes to get his D wet, you know?
Yet even though he feels that Gene led him astray with the statue idea, Ryan wants us to know that aside from swimming and his family, his Lochterage is the most important thing in his life. That’s why, according to him, they do things that regular people don’t do.
That includes listening to music and drinking before they go to clubs, ziplining and making S’Mores. Because nobody else on this planet does that. But as much as I protest to this lazy and disorganized episode, it was perhaps the most revealing. After all, it may have ultimately shown us how Ryan’s incredible intelligence has developed to this point…
On Next Week’s Episode: We finally get to witness Ryan meeting Carmen Electra. I checked and she isn’t pregnant right now, or maybe she just doesn’t realize it. Fingers crossed.
