What Would Ryan Lochte Do? – Episode 5: ‘… If He Was Canceled?’

At one time or another, someone in any group of friends will eventually mutter some sort of variation of this phrase: “We should have our own reality show.” I have little doubt that such a phrase is how E!’s latest monkey humping a football reality series, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”, was created and developed, because Ryan and his friends (The Lochterage) truly believe that they are the bros above all bros.

The problem is, of course, that most people suck and are, therefore, not entertaining at all. This is the depressing reality that the Lochterage seems to ignore as their series slowly spirals toward its eighth and final episode. When the show ends, Ryan and his friends will probably go on believing that they truly are “living life to the fullest” as they play volleyball in Gainesville apartment complexes or fire paintballs at each other in an open field.

But in reality, they will just be some bros doing bro things, and the sooner they realize that, the sooner they’ll be able to stop convincing themselves that they ever had more than three episodes of material.

Episode five (“… In Hollywood?”) explores life after swimming for the 28-year old Olympic gold medalist, as he is at least aware of the fact that he can only swim for so long before younger, faster, stronger swimmers will make him irrelevant. So Ryan and his assistant/best friend Gene traveled to Los Angeles to meet with the execs at Speedo to discuss business ideas that were so amazing and groundbreaking that Ryan wouldn’t let the cameras record them because we might steal them. (Translated: “Um, we like, make a Speedo that makes my dong look huge.”)

Following that meeting, it’s off to the world famous Pink’s Hot Dogs in Hollywood, where Ryan has received his own dog, the Lochte Dog. If you guessed that the result was Ryan and his “West Coast Lochterage” (they’re like the short bus Avengers) resorting to dick jokes and homophobia, then you’re already one step ahead of him.

Here’s the thing – as much as I’ve made fun of this show and the parasitic feeder fish that call themselves Ryan’s friends, I’d like to see more about his plans for after swimming. If you watch something like ESPN 30 for 30: Broke, then you might be easily fascinated by an athlete’s inability to survive once the game has passed him by. I, for one, would like to see more of his creative development and less of, say, him declaring himself the “King of Gainesville”.

As for that royalty declaration, that was the argument that he established for why he wasn’t sure if he could move to L.A. and establish his celebrity brand. Seriously, he doesn’t want to give up the nightlife of Gainesville. But then, when we actually saw him interacting with Carmen Electra at a bar – Ryan asked her if she’d ever seen What Women Want, because BANTER! – we understand why he is reluctant to give up the stardom of a small college town for Hollyweird.

The problem with this episode and ultimately the entire series isn’t that Ryan is a ham-fisted simpleton surrounded by five Turtles and not even one E, it’s that his life is just not exciting enough for eight episodes. And that’s not intended to be mean, because most of us aren’t exciting enough to fill one episode. But at the rate that this show is going, I won’t be surprised if any of the following ideas are incorporated in the remaining episodes, or, God forbid, another season.

– Ryan learns how to tie his shoes.

– Ryan discovers that Doc McStuffins isn’t a real doctor.

– Ryan goes to a country music bar.

– Ryan sticks his tongue on a 9-volt battery.

– Ryan and the gang find a doobie, but whose is it???

– Someone pooped in the pool, an investigation.

– What’s up with France?

– Ryan wants a pet, but first he’s going to take care of an egg.

– Ouch, the stove is hot.

Feel free to use those, Ryan. Because I have a feeling any of them will be better than whatever the hell is happening next week.

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