For the past week, Major League Baseball players have been gathering for one of the sport’s greatest traditions – team photo day. Much like a high school yearbook photo shoot or your Glamour Shots session at Sears, the players get to take a variety of shots, from zany and quirky to serious and professional, and there are always a bunch of players that end up looking like big, ol’ doofuses. Of course, they’re doofuses that make between six and eight figures, but they still look like they’re competing in the King Dweeb contest.
Other players, like David Ortiz up there with his World Series trophies, end up looking much better and often cooler than the dorks, so I decided to break some of this year’s Photo Day efforts down into winners and losers. Ultimately, there’s only one reason that I even wanted to post these photos, but you’ll have to be patient until we get to that.
Winner: That is one classy and professional photo right there. Intelligent, too. Leave it up to my main man Waino to show us all how it’s done… wait for it… it’s coming… you know the words, so say them along… the right way.
Loser: Fun on photo day? Not in Baseball City USA. I hope that Motte is not only reprimanded by his own teammates, but also sports blogs and websites, as well as any Twitter accounts that pigeonhole fans based on hand-selected stupidity.
Loser: Why block the guy’s face? That seems mean. What if his mom wants to put this photo on her refrigerator but then her friends come over and they make fun of her behind her back? I can’t believe they’d do that to her.
Winner: This is bound to be picked up by an indie band that is in need of a deep, meaningful album cover.
Winner: Words cannot express how much I hate this man for how much of a winner he actually is.
Winner: If this baseball thing doesn’t work out, Chris always has the option to pursue his other career as Herrmy the Clown at kids birthday parties.
Loser: Poor guy doesn’t even have the energy to smile for his last Photo Day picture. Let this be a lesson, kids. If you spend your entire career sleeping with the world’s most attractive women and winning a lot of World Series titles, you’re going to eventually stop feeling happiness.
Loser: Come on, dude. A Flava Flav clock? Did Brett Wallace already call dibs on the giant clown sunglasses?
Winner: Now THAT is how you rock a Photo Day mustache. This could be a Tag Heuer ad.
Loser: How much do Tim’s friends hate him to not put a stop to this Justin Bieber pubestache look?
Loser: Only because I assume that after this photo was taken, he held the mini bat to his crotch and pretended it was his penis.
Loser: Does this guy even know how to throw a baseball? Has he ever held a baseball before? This reminds me of Liz Lemon spinning a basketball and blowing kisses for her Dealbreakers promo.
Winner: I mean, not really, but I’m afraid that if I call him a loser when he looks this depressed that I might have to Baker Act him.
Winner: Hey ladies…
Loser: Because he’s still in a Marlins uniform.
Loser: Apparently the Milwaukee Brewers went with the selfie option for Photo Day this year.
Winner: Not only does he play second base for the Oakland Athletics, but Eric also does all of his teammates’ taxes.
Winner: Finally, someone is adding a little thunder back to the name Corky after Chris Kattan did his best to destroy it.
Winner: No. 1 on the home run list and in your hearts, Toronto. Unfortunately, that’s still only good enough for fourth place in the AL East.
Loser: Why is this guy smiling as he attacks me with a bat? Please don’t hit me with a bat, Miguel.
Winner: This will end up being an inspirational meme at some point during the season, if not by the marketing department of the Cleveland Indians, then by a zany sports blogger like myself.
Loser: Dude, don’t eat ribs on Photo Day.
Loser: He looks like he just visited the witch doctor from Beetlejuice.
WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!