These Would Be The 10 Highest Paid Actresses If The Universe Was Just And Rewarded Talent Above All Else

Fed up with seeing the same talentless hacks, like Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen, top Forbes Annual list of highest paid actors, last year we imagined a better, fictional world in which male actors were paid on the basis of their TALENT. Basically, Bryan Cranston and Timothy Olyphant would rule the world. It’s no better on the female side, however, when you consider that among the highest paid actresses on television are the Kardashians, Bethany Frankel, Kaley Cuoco, and Sofia Vergara, who is lovely and funny, but doesn’t deserve to be the highest paid actress on television. Not by a long shot.

So, we decided to revisit our fictional world where talent is rewarded over all else, and check in to see who the ten highest paid actresses are there. These were our findings.

10. Lizzy Caplan — In our fictional world here, not only is Masters of Sex more popular than Homeland on Showtime, but Party Down just ended its 5th and final season as one of the most popular sitcoms in cable history. Lizzy Caplan is on her way to her third Emmy nomination for Best Actress Comedy, and her first for Best Actress Drama, and she makes the same salary that Kat Dennings does in the real world for 2 Broke Girls.

9. Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs — Already in its fifth FULL season (with 22 episodes each year), all of which Dan Harmon was the showrunner on, Community is the juggernaut that re-launched NBC’s Thursday night comedy line-up, crushing CBS’s Big Bang Theory, which has chewed through three show runners and is perpetually on the verge of cancellation. Golden Globe winners for best comedic actresses, Jacobs and Brie both earn the same that Kaley Cuoco does in the real world. Brie and Jacobs also do nude scenes.

8. Emilia Clarke — In our fictional world, not only does Emilia Clarke make $10 million a year for Game of Thrones, but she has a line of Khaleesi cosplay outfits at Target, and Kanye West has devoted an entire concept album about her GoT character. She has no Emmy nominations because, during her first year of eligibility, she withdrew her name, claiming that trophies are worthless status symbols for mere mortals.

7. Kaitlin OlsonIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia regularly tops Modern Family as the highest rated show of Wednesday night, and Olson has a line of roided out Barbie dolls that come with their own cocaine bags and half-eaten babies that sell out two months before Christmas each year. Olson is also developing her own Sunny spin-off in which her character pursues a career in stand-up. She makes $11 million a year.

6. Anna Gunn — Not only is Breaking Bad the most popular television series in Nielsen ratings history, but every McDonald’s Happy Meal comes with a Breaking Bad action figure, including Skyler White’s, which is pregnant and comes with a candy cigarette. As for salary? Anna Gunn is paid $1 for every sh*tty Internet comment written about her. Her annual salary runs close to $15 million.

5. Elisabeth Moss — Moss is much like Moss in the real world, except that her mini-series, Top of the Lake, was seen by 10 million viewers, and Moss has actually won an Emmy award for Best Actress Drama. She also never married Fred Armisen, and she joined the Church of Scientology as a secret agent tasked with taking it down from the inside. She also has her own line of suitcases: The Peggy Olson Collection.

4. Allison Janney — In our fictional world, Allison Janney is the Meryl Streep of television, her character in Masters of Sex is a series regular, and her sitcom, Mom is actually a bleak drama written by Darren Aronofsky, airs on HBO, and instead of Anna Faris, her daughter is played by Rooney Mara. It’s described as the booze version of Breaking Bad.

3. Kerry Washington — Instead of being the 20th highest paid actress on television and earning $3 million, Washington actually earns $20 million a year, and she hosts Saturday Night Live three times annually (once with co-host Jon Hamm). She also has her own line of vintage wine, and after Lucky magazine messed up her cover photo, she had the photographer assassinated by Guillermo Diaz.

2. Julia Louis Dreyfus — Julia Louis Dreyfus already wins the Best Actress Emmy every year, so she can’t improve on that, but in our fictional world, Veep gets Seinfeld ratings, and the Vice President of the United States actually solicits advice for his job from her. Veep creator, Armando Iannucci, also gets sick Chuck Lorre money.

1. Amy Poehler — Along with Community, Parks and Recreation makes up the top hour of the NBC’s hugely popular Thursday night comedy block (50 million viewers a week!). Barbie dolls have been redesigned in the image of Leslie Knope, and politicians frequently quote Poehler’s P&R character in their speeches. During her downtime, Poehler and Tina Fey also have their own television studio, which has eight shows on the air currently and a Laverne & Shirley remake in development for themselves after Parks ends its run. Fey and Poehler also host the Oscars, as well as the Golden Globes, and occasionally guest star in their hit variety show starring Maya Rudolph. Poehler is also having a casual fling with her boy-toy, Jon Hamm, and her line of waffles has just surpassed Eggo as the market leader.

(Header Image via GQ)

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