AMC kicked off season three of The Walking Dead in truly spectacular fashion last night. I’ll be your guide through season three of The Walking Dead this year, and — DISCLAIMER — I have not read the graphic novels, so I will not be lording any future knowledge over your heads. I would also appreciate it immensely if those who have read the graphic novels would not spoil any upcoming events. If you really MUST discuss future turns from the novels, please use very BIG, very BOLD SPOILER warnings. Failure to do so will earn you the Jackass Badge.
With that, let’s get to it:
1. Carl Is No Longer The Worst — Puberty has been good to Carl. He didn’t get lost once over the entire episode. He’s got a silencer. He’s a good shot. The little sh*t is finally useful, although he really shouldn’t get any ideas about Beth. I don’t care how good her singing voice is.
2. Lori Is Still The Worst — A few months have passed since we last left off. The crew somehow survived the winter by running from place to place. In the meantime, Lori has become the least convincing pregnant woman in television history. What the hell did they put under her shirt?
The good news is, we may have a Baby Renesmee situation in our future: Will Lori’s baby be a Walker or a Crawler? Will the baby eat its way out of Lori? Will Lori turn walker and eat her own baby? These are exciting possibilities, people.
3. The Ricktocracy Is Working — Over the winter, and since the death of Shane, it seems that Rick has earned the begrudging respect of the rest of the crew by keeping them on the run, and by keeping them alive. His relationship with Lori, however, remains frosty. Rick can sure kill a zombie, though. This kill got three Hell Yeahs!
4. Rick Moves Them Into A Prison — Maybe the best thing about last night’s episode is sheer volume of zombies that Rick and the gang had to fight off in order to make their way inside the prison and, ultimately, use the cells to protect themselves. Rick didn’t screw around, either, moving them through the prison like a video game, clearing levels along the way. The best level, of course, was the prison guard level. Those guys have armor.
5. Daryl And Carol: Uh, no. Don’t even think about it.
Daryl is much better as the loner, the creeper who hangs out in dark, enclosed spaces.
6. Maggie Is The Walking Dead’s Sudden Sex Symbol — Does anyone look better killing walkers than Maggie? No.
This is Maggie in real life. Enjoy.
Also, Glen and Maggie are the only couple on the show you should be shipping. They’re adorbs.
7. T-Dog Got Speaking Lines! — Unfortunately, T-Dog may be better as the menacing, quiet guy.
8. Michonne — Michonne is holed up with Andrea, who is sick but not apparently infected. We also learned that Michonne’s undead slave pals carry luggage.
Michonne also wins this episode’s Zombie Kill of the Week.
9. Damnit Hershel — When will these people learn? First of all, don’t send your doctor into high-risk missions, and second of all: Never assume a dead zombie is truly dead. That’s a rookie mistake, Hershel. Now, thanks to Hershel’s stupidity, we had to experience one of the goriest scenes of the series: Rick taking an axe to Hershel’s leg to prevent the zombie infection from spreading. Does that even work? And was that the dullest axe ever? Rick probably could’ve gnawed off Hershel’s leg with his teeth quicker than using that axe.
10. The Others — As soon as I saw The Others standing on the other side of the window, my first thought was: Man, I wish they’d cast Michael Emerson as the Governor. Looks like next week will bring us what is supposed to be the coolest character in the series, plus a lot of politicking between the two factions.
Great opening episode, and it presents a lot of potential for the rest of the season. Nice job, Glen Mazzara.