10 Things We Learned From Last Night’s Shark-Jumping Episode Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’

I realize that, because most of you were tuned into the election coverage, few of you have seen last night’s episode of Sons of Anarchy yet. Let me give you a piece of advice: Don’t. I’m going to cover everything you need to know from last night’s episode in this recap, and you’ll save yourself a lot of frustration (and ickiness) if you simply skip last night’s episode. Besides, you need to build up some strength for next week’s 90-minute episode.

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1. Gemma and Nero Are In Love — What do you do to establish that two characters in a show love each other? If you’re Kurt Sutter, you put them in a stranger’s mausoleum where they can have a “moment” over one character disposing of another character’s ashes. Nero found a random mausoleum in a grave yard and left Carla’s ashes there because she would’ve liked something fancy like that. In his eulogy, Nero also shed a tear or two, and nothing is more attractive to a woman than watching a man eulogize the ashes of the half-sister who shot herself after attempting to force you to go down on your boyfriend by gunpoint. Gemma and Nero sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Meanwhile, after Gemma realized she was in love with Nero, she confronted Jax about the deal she made with him last week to stir up her relationship with Clay again in order to gain information on Clay that the club could use to kill him. In exchange, Gemma would be given child care privileges again. Gemma said that she wouldn’t agree to it unless Tara was also on board, and apparently, Tara knew the deal all along. She agreed to it in the presence of Gemma, but she didn’t seem super duper happy about it.

2. Chibbs Is OK, And So Is Abel — Abel was discharged from the hospital last night, and Chibbs made it back safely after a trucker found him unconscious. Bro hugs for all.

3. Frankie Got Himself Some Mob Protection — Meanwhile, the hunt was one for Frankie Diamonds, who sought refuge with the Mob and a man named Pirelli, whose crew Frankie paid to protect him, using the money that he took from Nero. Happy and Clay both separately made some calls and tracked down Frankie’s whereabouts.

4. Clay vs. Jax vs. Pirelli — SAMCRO voted to kill Frankie, which put Jax in a precarious position. He needed to give Frankie up to Eli to get the identity of the SAMCRO informant; meanwhile, Clay needed to get to Frankie before Frankie ratted him out (although, little did Clay know that Frankie had already ratted him out); and after Frankie Diamond killed one of the mobsters, Pirelli wanted him dead. Clay and Juice got there first, but it was Pirelli who took Frankie out before anyone else could, screwing up Jax’s deal with Eli. RIP Frankie Diamonds.

5. Bobby confronts Clay — Bobby and Clay found a moment alone, which is when Bobby decided to confront Clay about what he knew, which was essentially everything. “I really hope you are as smart as you think you are,” Bobby said. “I am really tired of burning friends.” Clay’s eloquent response: “Me too.” It used to be that characters on this show could hold a secret for a few seasons; not they can’t keep a secret more than an episode. Anyway, Bobby didn’t do anything with the information, and Clay basically waved off the fact that Bobby knew that he put the Nomads into motion.

6. Welcome to the ICKY Portion of the Recap — Tara weaseled her way back into see Otto last night, and she did NOT use the perfume — as some in the comments wrongly and ABRASIVELY suggested — to kill Otto. No. You give Sutter way too much credit. She really planned to use the perfume to remind Otto of the things he loves in order to get him to drop his RICO testimony. It worked, too, after Tara held Otto’s head, AND HE JERKED OFF UNTIL HE BROKE DOWN INTO SOBS.

You have no idea how happy I was that I couldn’t find a GIF of this scene.

Folks, if anyone asks: This is the definitive moment that Sons of Anarchy jumped the rails.

7. Tara Needs Self-Love, Too — The moment with Otto had a profound effect on Tara, who later in the episode dabbed a little of that perfume on herself and went to town on her own fun spot. REMINDER: That perfume smells like patchouli and cum.

8. Oh, and that Oregon Job Is Back in Play — At the end of last season, there was some discussion that Tara might take a position in Oregon, but then Clay orchestrated a hit on her, which resulted in her hand getting busted. Last night, the job offer was put back on the table, just in time for the final two episodes of the season.

9. Juice’s Number May Be Up — After Pirelli killed Frankie, Jax had nothing to take back to Eli, and proof of Frankie’s death wasn’t enough to convince Eli to turn over the rat. No matter: Jax said he knew it was Juice all along. Eli made a half-hearted attempt to talk Jax out of killing Juice, but Jax said there was nothing he could do about it. Juice is as good as dead.

In the final seconds of the episode, Juice hopped into a van, and Jax followed behind him with a loaded gun, presumably to kill him. Fade to black. End credits.

The scenes from next week, however, immediately erased any suspense, as it showed that Juice was still alive and working to save his ass.

10. We Need Tangible Evidence — Those were the words of Bobby again, reiterating that they can’t take out Clay until they have “tangible evidence” that he was behind the home invasions. I hate to beat a dead horse, but no matter how many times Bobby or Jax say that, it doesn’t make it any more true. They have plenty to indict Clay. If this was a court of law, there’d enough evidence to convict four times over. But more importantly, JAX PLANS TO KILL JUICE WITH NO “TANGIBLE EVIDENCE.” Jax had a HUNCH that Juice was the informant, and that’s all it takes to seal the fate of Juice? But with Clay? Apparently, they have to catch him in the act of shooting someone with videotaped evidence. There’s a clear double standard here. Only Jax knows that Juice is the informant, but every member of SAMCRO except for Happy and Filthy Phil know that Clay was responsible for the home invasions. And yet, it’s Juice’s life that is in immediate danger. THIS SHOW MAKES NO F**KING SENSE.