While a typical sitcom would’ve had Tom Haverford’s pompous best friend be a forgettable character with a one-note punchline, NBC’s Parks and Recreation, along with scene-stealing performances by actor Ben Schwartz, breathed life into Pawnee’s notorious wanna-be player, Jean-Ralphio, turning him into the best/worst character you love to hate.
Here are the best lines from the singing, porn-addicted (like, how could anyone watch that much porn?) entrepreneur who will dance up on you whenever he’s asked to.
“Flushed with CAAASH!”
Tom approaches Jean-Ralphio with the opportunity to invest in The Snake Hole Lounge, Pawnee’s hottest night club. He enthusiastically replies, celebrating the money he’d just inherited from his dead grandfather earlier that day. Don’t worry, though, his grandfather was a dick.
“I got run over by a Lexus!”
Pitching business ideas with Tom, Jean-Ralphio reveals the secret to how he got his bank account to start blowing up: he makes his money the old fashioned way.
“K to the N to the O P E, she’s the dopest littler shorty in all Pawnee. Indiana.”
Always looking for a new way to make a lasting impression, Jean-Ralphio, for a time, would freestyle a rap about your name. He just never figured out how to end on the rhyme, despite Tom constantly reminding him.
“Why don’t you turn that frizzown upside-dizzity?”
While not all swagger and attempted freestyle raps of your first name, Jean-Ralphio has been known to be there for his friends. For better or worse, the only way he knows how to.
“Why don’t you live your life like that cow did from the video?”
After Tom convinces Jean-Ralphio to start the multimedia company Entertainment 720, he in turn uses Li’l Sebastian’s commemorative video to get his best friend to start the company with him. When Tom tells him that Li’l Sebastian was a horse, not a cow, Jean-Ralphio assures him that was because he followed his dreams.
“I hope you brought a change of clothes. Your eyes are about to piss tears.”
We’re also reminded that Jean-Ralphio’s not the type to let a caring moment outshine his showmanship. Or his off-color way with words.
“Step 3: I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce now all the ladies sayin’ bounce. What do you say, sexy?”
An unstoppable ladies’ man, but only in his own mind, he attempts to use what he considers his charm on Donna, trying to convince her to buy into the Snake Hole Lounge with he and Tom. Her expression speaks as much volume, as her actual reply does.
“I say we invest our 10 large and I ‘accidentally’ get run over by a city bus!”
Also, he never seems to learn from his mistakes.
“Technically, I’m homeless.”
After recapping a crazy night, including clubs, girls, dancing, arguments, nudity, his mom (!?), the police, fleeing the scene before hiding in a dumpster, he tops it off by needing to crash on Tom’s couch.
“That’s too much responsibility. I gotta find a way out of this.”
He really, REALLY never seems to learn from his mistakes.
“She’s the worst! She’s the worst in the world.”
Once Jean-Ralphio’s sister, Mona Lisa (played by Jenny Slate), is introduced as a manipulative sociopath accustomed to getting everything she wants, he does not mince words (or melodies) warning everyone he can about her.
“Free money!”
Finally, the man in his element, throwing fake money with his best friend and business partner, Tom. Fake money complete with their own faces that they printed themselves inside the lobby of their do-nothing company with a ridiculous overhead, Entertainment 720.
(Editor’s note: This post originally ran June 19, 2015)
