A Bold And Probably Accurate Guess Of Who Sookie Will End Up With On ‘True Blood’

Now that we’ve gotten some of the biggest questions out of the way regarding this seventh and final season of True Blood, it’s time to focus on one of those questions in particular: Which mystical creature of a Bon Temps man is Sookie Stackhouse going to finally settle down with? On its exterior, True Blood is a show about vampires, werewolves, faeries and humans trying to live together in peace, as they struggle against their natural desires to tear each other to pieces. The vampires would obviously love to turn all of the humans into snacks, so the humans fear that which they do not understand, and the werewolves just want everybody to leave them all alone.

But at its very core, True Blood is a love story, and stuck in the middle of it all is Sookie, who’s just a girl trying to find love, while sleeping with just about every single guy in town along the way. Now, before you accuse me of slut-shaming a fictional character on an R-rated soap opera, I understand what Sookie’s going through. She has a lot of holes to fill in her life – pun only partially intended – and each of the men that she has sought comfort and safety with has offered her something different. As we left her in “Radioactive,” the final episode of Season 6, Sookie had seemingly settled down with the hulking werewolf leader Alcide Herveaux. Will she stay with him, though?

That’s the biggest question facing this final season of True Blood, and the one that I will attempt to answer today using my unparalleled logic, proven scientific theories and, most importantly, my familiarity with being a dreamy hunk of man.

1,000,000 to 1 – Sookie gets together with Lafayette

Lafayette clearly isn’t Sookie’s type, nor is she his. But I would watch the hell out of a spin-off sitcom that featured Sookie and Lafayette living together like Will and Grace.

5,000 to 1 – Sookie somehow ends up in bed with Andy Bellefleuer

This would be a shocking development for Sookie’s love life, but it would confirm my theory that the goal of the show is to have her romantically linked with every male character. However, this would be gross because Andy is old.

1,000 to 1 – Sookie winds up with Jason Stackhouse

Okay, okay – don’t even bother getting fired up with outrage over the suggestion that Sookie might end up romantically tied to her own brother. I’m almost certain that it’s not going to happen, but then, you ask, why even bring it up? Because have you watched this f*cking show? NOTHING is out of the realm of possibility in this perverted orgy of vampire humping. Like I implied yesterday, this final season could either be the one last bang of awesomeness that series-long fans deserve, or it could just be the most awful thing ever. I really don’t think there’s a possibility of something in between, so if they want to just go all-out terrible, then this is the option for them.

100 to 1 – Sookie remains with Alcide

As I wrote yesterday, Alcide deserves a strong story this season to make up for the boredom that he unleashed on us last season, and especially because of the lazy way that they wrapped up his beef with Sam Merlotte. While Joe Manganiello didn’t dish too many spoilers, because he’s a smart actor who doesn’t like ruining sh*t for us, he did basically admit that Alcide and Sookie are finally going to get their freak on in tomorrow night’s Season 7 premiere episode, “Jesus Gonna Be Here.” What makes it even more special (and awkward) is that Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, directed the episode, so he basically got to tell Alcide how to grind all up on his boo. I’m sure he needed no help in showing his ass, because he’s already an expert at that.

But because they’re going to be so heavily into each other in the first episode, I’m assuming that Sookie’s and Alcide’s relationship will be short-lived. I will say, though, that if it ends up being because he dies, I am going to be livid. LIVID, I say!

50 to 1 – Sookie and Eric hook up again

Way back in Season 4, Sookie and Eric fell in love while he had amnesia and was crashing at her place. Eventually, he regained his memories, but he was still in love with Sookie, because apparently none of the guys on this show have ever looked at Jessica Hamby. While both Eric and Bill were rejected by Sookie, they never stopped loving her and she them. At least I think she still loves them. Honestly, I can’t keep track half the time, and that’s why I think they love to stick little reminders here and there. Like, Sookie will be hanging from the edge of a cliff by a lone branch as an evil demon stands over her ready to laugh as she plummets to her death, and Eric will randomly pop in and say, “Still love ya, girl!”

Regardless, I don’t think that Eric’s destiny is Sookie. I expect his story to be one of achieving glory and greatness this season, and he’ll probably end up with Pam, because they love each other in a really weird way.

10 to 1 – Sookie and Bill Compton realize their supernatural Ross and Rachel reality

I’ve watched this show since the beginning (for some unknown reason and with plenty of reluctance) and I do not want Sookie and Bill to end up together. What’s really strange to me about these two is that Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are married in real life, and they have the on-screen chemistry of Kate Upton and Darren Rovell. Also, the characters do way more to appear unlikable than they do to make us want them to live to see the next episode, so if Sookie and Bill belong together, it’s only so they can be stranded on another planet for the rest of eternity.

Side note: I really can’t believe they didn’t leave Sookie pregnant as last season’s cliffhanger. Spending the entire season trying to determine who the father is would have been the most True Blood thing to do. Also, it totally would have been some demon’s baby and everyone would have had to team up to save her, all so Sookie could end the series by telling each of the men that she loves, “I just can’t pick one of you.” Cut to black.

5 to 1 – Sam Merlotte’s crush is finally reciprocated

Sam has been in love with Sookie since the beginning, and he’s the classic good guy chasing the girl that only wants bad boys. If I had to place a wager on these silly ideas of mine, this would be the strongest choice, because Sookie’s happiness can only be realized with a guy who isn’t using her for her powers or isn’t attracted to her because of her faerie blood. Sure, Alcide also falls into that category, but he’s not the guy who transformed into random animals to stalk her all this time. That said, Sam’s also the worst possible character for her to end up with, because he’s so boring. My only reluctance in committing to Sam as my top choice is that I think he’s going to be killed at some point this season for his hilariously awful suggestion that the humans of Bon Temps offer themselves up as food for vampires. You’re not getting my vote next election, Sam.

4 to 1 – Sookie meets some new vampire and they fall in love

Sookie has already been there and done that with most of the male characters, so maybe she’ll end up with one of the vampires in the horde that’s about to invade Bon Temps. This dude looks like a big enough bad boy for her:

And then Sam will probably bitch and moan for four episodes about how he’ll never be happy and a safe will fall on his head and crush him.

3 to 1 – Jessica convinces Sookie that men are the worst and they fall in love

I’m just spitballin’ ideas here, folks. I know the season’s already in the can, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change some things toward the end.

Even – All of them

Sookie won’t be able to make up her mind, so the entire series finale will feature a group marriage and Sookie’s 15 or so husbands arguing about who is using up all of the hot water in the one shower that they share. And Sam will still end up having to sleep on the floor and wash the sheets each day after Sookie has sex with all of the guys except for him, because she’s just too worn out by the time it’s his turn. Haha, poor Sam. It really sucks being the nice guy.