A Bold And Probably Accurate Guess Of Who Sookie Will End Up With On ‘True Blood’

Now that we’ve gotten some of the biggest questions out of the way regarding this seventh and final season of True Blood, it’s time to focus on one of those questions in particular: Which mystical creature of a Bon Temps man is Sookie Stackhouse going to finally settle down with? On its exterior, True Blood is a show about vampires, werewolves, faeries and humans trying to live together in peace, as they struggle against their natural desires to tear each other to pieces. The vampires would obviously love to turn all of the humans into snacks, so the humans fear that which they do not understand, and the werewolves just want everybody to leave them all alone.

But at its very core, True Blood is a love story, and stuck in the middle of it all is Sookie, who’s just a girl trying to find love, while sleeping with just about every single guy in town along the way. Now, before you accuse me of slut-shaming a fictional character on an R-rated soap opera, I understand what Sookie’s going through. She has a lot of holes to fill in her life – pun only partially intended – and each of the men that she has sought comfort and safety with has offered her something different. As we left her in “Radioactive,” the final episode of Season 6, Sookie had seemingly settled down with the hulking werewolf leader Alcide Herveaux. Will she stay with him, though?

That’s the biggest question facing this final season of True Blood, and the one that I will attempt to answer today using my unparalleled logic, proven scientific theories and, most importantly, my familiarity with being a dreamy hunk of man.

1,000,000 to 1 – Sookie gets together with Lafayette

Lafayette clearly isn’t Sookie’s type, nor is she his. But I would watch the hell out of a spin-off sitcom that featured Sookie and Lafayette living together like Will and Grace.

5,000 to 1 – Sookie somehow ends up in bed with Andy Bellefleuer

This would be a shocking development for Sookie’s love life, but it would confirm my theory that the goal of the show is to have her romantically linked with every male character. However, this would be gross because Andy is old.

1,000 to 1 – Sookie winds up with Jason Stackhouse

Okay, okay – don’t even bother getting fired up with outrage over the suggestion that Sookie might end up romantically tied to her own brother. I’m almost certain that it’s not going to happen, but then, you ask, why even bring it up? Because have you watched this f*cking show? NOTHING is out of the realm of possibility in this perverted orgy of vampire humping. Like I implied yesterday, this final season could either be the one last bang of awesomeness that series-long fans deserve, or it could just be the most awful thing ever. I really don’t think there’s a possibility of something in between, so if they want to just go all-out terrible, then this is the option for them.

100 to 1 – Sookie remains with Alcide

As I wrote yesterday, Alcide deserves a strong story this season to make up for the boredom that he unleashed on us last season, and especially because of the lazy way that they wrapped up his beef with Sam Merlotte. While Joe Manganiello didn’t dish too many spoilers, because he’s a smart actor who doesn’t like ruining sh*t for us, he did basically admit that Alcide and Sookie are finally going to get their freak on in tomorrow night’s Season 7 premiere episode, “Jesus Gonna Be Here.” What makes it even more special (and awkward) is that Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, directed the episode, so he basically got to tell Alcide how to grind all up on his boo. I’m sure he needed no help in showing his ass, because he’s already an expert at that.