Last night’s Sons of Anarchy was one of the strangest, most bizarre, and — in parts — most unintentionally hilarious episode of the season (and maybe even of the series’ run). It was also easily the best episode of the season. That insane, out-of-nowhere sex scene between Chibs and Jarry last week wasn’t an outlier — that scene seems to represent the gung-ho, f**k it spirit that Kurt Sutter has decided to go out on in this final season. I wouldn’t say that “Faith and Despondency” was “good,” but it sure as hell was entertaining, even if it was entirely too long.
The first two minutes of last night’s episode was a montage of sex scenes that included: 1) Jax having sex with a prostitute he rescued a few episodes ago that looks vaguely like Tara (and crying afterwards); 2) Rat Boy having sex with someone who wasn’t his girlfriend; 3) Nero listlessly banging a dead-eyed Gemma from behind; 4) Chibs and Jarry scrumping; 5) Happy going to town on a random woman with heels on the hood of a car; 6) Tig making sweet, sweet love to Venus; and 7) Tully anally raping Juice in prison.
Sons of Anarchy may have actually broken the basic cable record for the most bare-ass shots in a single two-minute sequence, and a couple of those sex scenes, I will never, ever unsee. WHY, SUTTER? MARILYN MANSON?! I have a full tank of nightmare fuel now that I may never be able to burn off.
The main plotline in the episode, however, was actually pretty good: An old-school Sons revenge scheme that saw Jax use Rat Boy and the Grim Bastards’ leader, T.O., as bait to draw out Moses and lead him and Marks’ other henchmen to an RV, where SAMCRO — with the help of an unusually nice Aryan man — gunned down the entire lot of them, leaving Moses alive just long enough for Jax to rip out his eye and cut off his fingers before putting a bullet in his head. It was literally eye for an eye for Bobby’s death.
R.I.P. Moses, the second smartest person on the show at this point (after Marks).
With Moses out of the way, and Marks in prison, Laroy can now take over the One-Niners. (Don’t think that there wasn’t a slight part of me that thought, after gunning down Moses, that Jax would turn on Laroy and T.O., just because that’s the way things have been going for Jax this season).
Meanwhile, Unser finally got in on the action when he saved Officer Candy from one of the Aryans, Leland, who attempted to rub out Candy in the hospital. Unser put a stop to it. Good for you, Unser: You’re finally getting in on the violence, although it hardly makes up for the fact that he still hasn’t put two and two together and realized that Gemma was behind Tara’s murder.
There were a few bookends to the opening sex sequence, too. Chibs and Jarry had a blow-out fight that ended in rough make-up sex. The point of their explosive relationship still eludes me; I think maybe Sutter is just exorcising demons or rocking his jollies.
The sweeter bookend, however, saw Tig and Venus profess their love for one another, and if either one of them die in the next three episodes, there will be riots on the Internet. As messed up as it is, Tig and Venus have the healthiest romantic relationship on the show.
But the episode’s cake-taker, and the source of more unintentional comedy than a Paul Verhoeven movie, was the Abel storyline. Abel is a cutter, y’all. That little Machiavellian sociopath cut himself WITH A FORK in order to get away from Grandma Gemma.
Child Services was naturally called in, and after Abel fingered Gemma for the wound, Jax moved Abel back into his place. There, after a long day of killing thugs and banging prostitutes, Jax was feeling magnanimous. He ended up revealing to Abel that Wendy — a woman he once injected with heroin — was Abel’s first mommy and a really sweet woman! But then, when Jax came in to tuck little Gene Draper into bed, Abel finally ratted out Gemma:
“So is that why grandma killed my other mommy, so my first mommy could be here with me?”
That’s right, folks. Abel ratted out Gemma. The biggest reveal of the entire season came from a Abel Teller. It would’ve been a far more effective scene if I hadn’t been laughing hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all. Kurt Sutter let a four year old do all the heavy lifting. It was almost too perfect.
— I thought most of the episode was completely ridiculous, but don’t get me wrong: I thoroughly enjoyed it. I haven’t enjoyed an SoA episode that much in a very long time. The only way I could’ve loved it more is if Abel had ratted Gemma out while running on a treadmill.
— The episode definitely inspired some gold over on Reddit. My favorites:
On the opening sex-scene montage (p.s. NO NO NO NO NO):
And Abel psyching himself up:
— There are still three episodes left, and Gemma can’t die until the end, which sadly means that at least one episode will probably see Jax doubting Abel for 90 minutes, and then there is a two-week break before Sons returns after Thanksgiving. That’s just mean.
— In case you missed the promo for next week, because it was the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT by the time the episode ended, here you go:
— WHY WASN’T UNSER GETTING LAID DURING THE OPENING SEX SEQUENCE? Throw the guy a bone. Or let him throw the bone. Whatever.
— I still cannot get over the fact that the most annoying character through most of the series — Wendy — is now the most likable character on the show (besides Marks).
— It feels like Nero’s only job this season is to pop in once or twice and episode to remind everyone that he’s retiring. It’s such an unfortunate waste of Jimmy Smits. I hope he gets to kill someone before it’s all over. Maybe he gets to kill Jax after Jax kills Gemma? It only seems fair.