Anthony Bourdain Filled In For Piers Morgan And Is Now Feuding With David Simon Over Cronuts

Celebrity chef, notorious wild man and friend of UPROXX Anthony Bourdain played host for Piers Morgan Live tonight, and it goes without saying that Bourdain wanted to make sure he had a talent-packed show for the occasion. Of course he brought the food thunder with chef Dominique Ansel, who is the inventor of the Cronut, which is a combination of croissant and doughnut rising in popularity, and now the centerpiece of a “feud” between Bourdain and The Wire and Treme creator David Simon and journalist David Carr.

According to a blog post by Simon from today, he and Carr were both lured to tonight’s show by Bourdain’s promises of Cronuts, which Bourdain described to his Twitter followers as “what Jesus wants us to eat.” However, when Simon and Carr finished taping their segment – a discussion on the idea of legalizing all drugs – and they were escorted from the stage, all Cronut hell broke loose.

Well, let it be known that Dave Carr and I were escorted off-stage a couple hours ago, after the taping, only to be handed a wet-wipe each for the makeup.

“Where are the cronuts?” asked the redoubtable Mr. Carr.

“The problem is we think we only have enough for the audience,” he was told.

Me? I’m from Baltimore. I’m used to coming to New York and having this happen. So I manage little more than a pout at this point. Mr. Carr, however, relentless Timesman that he is, puts up the good fight: ”My agent negotiated a cronut. I say this with all sincerity: I am here for the cronut.”

“Me, too,” I echo pathetically.

“Let me see what I can do.”

“A cronut was part of this deal,” Mr. Carr says to me, firmly. ”I don’t do this except for the cronut.”

“He used an explanation point,” I offer, remembering Tony Bourdain’s email.

A sadder scene has rarely been painted, as two men were devastated to learn that they would not be receiving the very Cronuts that led them to even agree to be on the show. Adding sweet insult to sugary injury, Simon wrote that the handler eventually returned with half of a Cronut, cut in half. That’s one-quarter of a Cronut for each of them. Naturally, they were furious.

Eventually, the handler comes back with what is perhaps a quarter of a cronut on a plate, cut in half. Mr. Carr allows that I can have the second piece, even though I have done little to secure such. We partake and the plate is bare-ass naked a second or two later. Then we depart, even more bitter and misshapen a pair of beings as this world had otherwise rendered us. But now, on the Acela riding south, I find my voice finally in these words, as my hands drift across the keyboard and I think of all the slings and arrows, neglects and denials that I have endured in six decades of life, going back even to my earliest and most savage moments on grade-school playgrounds and in nursery playpens, and I do declare in full view of the entire world:

Tony Bourdain, you lying sonofabitch, you owe me a motherfucking cronut.

Simon’s words, as poetic as they are hilarious, didn’t go unnoticed. Bourdain eventually read the blog post and Tweeted this image of chefs Mario Batali and Eric Ripert enjoying their own whole Cronuts, as well as the large box of the dessert treats that were distributed to the audience.

Ripert poured gasoline on the fire by responding to the image and taunting Simon and Carr, as well as Bourdain, who played the Cronut victim card as well.

What happens from here is between Bourdain, Simon and Carr, but one thing is for certain – I really want a damn Cronut now.