Last week, after a few cocktails, I ordered a The Last Starfighter T-shirt off the Internet for reasons I can’t 100 percent explain. It just seemed like something I wanted to own at that particular time. Anyway, smash cut to Wednesday when I open my mail and, instead of a The Last Starfighter T-shirt, I was sent a B.J. and the Bear T-shirt. When I emailed the seller, I was told they’ll send The Last Starfighter and I could just keep this B.J. and the Bear shirt. So, I am now the owner of a B.J. and the Bear T-shirt – that’s literally something I own now.
That moment when you ordered a Last Starfighter T-shirt & you open the package and it’s a BJ and the Bear T-shirt. pic.twitter.com/GZnhhcNOyb
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) March 17, 2016
B.J. and the Bear aired for three seasons on NBC from 1979 until 1981. I barely remember this show. It’s one of those shows that I’m well aware it existed, but I couldn’t tell you much about it other than I know it starred Greg Evigan as a truck driver named B.J. McKay and he has a pet chimpanzee named Bear. (At the same time, there was a character named B.J. Hunnicutt on M*A*S*H, which has to set a record for “most characters named ‘B.J.’ appearing on network television at the same time.)
So, whatever, I own this shirt now and I figured if I was going to wear a B.J. and the Bear shirt around the streets of New York City, I should at least have watched one full episode that I can remember. So, I found an episode at random on YouTube called “Gasohol” and I watched it. While watching, I kept a running diary. So, for basically no reason, here’s my running diary of an episode of B.J. and the Bear. Have a happy Friday, everyone. (And you’re welcome, nobody.)
0:17: The B.J. and the Bear theme song is catchy.
0:29: It really does kind of tell us everything we need to know about this show. “Every day is better than the last.” That’s nice!
0:36: I love that we are a half a minute into the theme song before Greg Evigan starts singing. And what a line, “And best of all, I don’t pay property tax.” B.J. seems like a happy fellow.
0:40: I wonder if Greg Evigan still thought every day was better than the last when he was cast on My Two Dads?
0:46: In the opening credits, B.J. just told his pet chimpanzee, Bear, that he’s going to teach him how to sing. I’d watch that episode. Is this my new favorite show?
1:42: This episode starts out in a honky-tonk. I bet a lot of the episodes start this way
1:52: So, we learn quickly that there’s a lucrative equipment hauling contract up for grabs and the obvious villainous people talking want the independent contractors out of the running. I suspect they are referring to B.J. and B.J.’s pet chimpanzee.
2:00: B.J. is mentioned by name. I was correct.
2:21: These two villains are great. One of them suggests just outbidding B.J., which makes a lot of sense. The other one thinks it won’t be that easy and suggests sabotage. The reasonable villain agrees because, “B.J.’s been bugging me all year.” I’m going to start using that excuse when I sabotage people.
2:23: The villain’s name is “Hammer.”
2:48: And here comes B.J., driving his big rig, living a better day than he did yesterday.
3:20: B.J. is riding with his chimpanzee and a woman named Tommy (Janet Julian) whose own big rig is “in the shop.”
3:42: Bear is doing tricks in the big rig.
3:59: Tommy is now necking with B.J. while he’s trying to drive. I get the sense I should know who this character is.
4:14: Bear is covering his eyes.
4:42: We have a problem: B.J. is distracted by all the necking and he doesn’t notice that Hammer is now driving right behind him.
5:16: Sample dialogue:
“Don’t you want to cuddle?”
“No, all I want to do is get to the bottom of this hill in one piece.”
5:28: B.J. sees Hammer, thank goodness.
5:40: I love that Hammer’s grand plan to sabotage B.J.’s truck is, “ram it from behind while they are both driving.”
5:53: Bear is holding onto a pillow for safety.
6:12: I realize this is a high-pressure situation, but Tommy says, “B.J., do something.” B.J. snaps back, “Do what? Do you have any suggestions?” When she admits she doesn’t, B.J. tells her, “Well, then shut up.” B.J. McKay is kind of an asshole.
6:13: Tommy reiterates, “What are we going to do?” B.J. says, “Please, just shut up.” This doesn’t seem like the happy-go-lucky, where-every-day-is-better-than-the-last character I was promised in the opening credits.
6:40: I think I’m rooting for Hammer.
7:14: Hammer just refereed to B.J. as “pretty boy.”
7:25: The action keeps cutting to some sort of oil refinery. I get the feeling it may be crashed into soon.
7:49: B.J. pulled a last-second maneuver and Hammer crashed into the oil refinery.
8:04: B.J. whistled at Hammer and Hammer gave B.J. a, “Yeah, you got me,” look. The year of B.J. bugging Hammer continues.
8:22: The episode cuts to a new scene by playing “Lonesome Loser” by Little River Band.
8:46: We are back in a honky-tonk.
8:50: Tommy is holding court and excitedly telling the story about what just happened. I hope at the end, her happy demeanor disappears and she says, “And then B.J. told me to shut up. Twice.”
9:12: A scrawny man is challenging B.J. to a fight.
9:26: Oh, I see, this man owns the oil pipeline that was damaged.
11:28: So, the new problem is B.J. cant make his run for the equipment hauling contract because he’s out of fuel.
11:54: Out of nowhere, B.J. and Tommy are making out.
13:17: We are being introduced to new characters. Honestly, I just want to watch B.J. and the chimpanzee drive their truck around.
14:40: B.J. and his chimpanzee are driving their truck around.
14:53: B.J. just yelled at Bear. Despite his theme song, B.J. McKay is not very nice.
16:35: A woman driving a yellow Mustang just pulled up alongside B.J. and she knew who he was. I get the sense B.J. is famous.
16:40: B.J. talks to Bear like he’s expecting a response in English.
16:49: B.J. still needs gas. Bear starts doing a little jump dance. B.J. says, “That ain’t gonna do any good.” No, probably not.
19:42: The woman from the yellow Mustang is hiding illegal booze in B.J.’s truck. I love how the plots of pretty much everything from the late ‘70s involved big rigs, pet monkeys and “booze crossing state lines.”
20:21: The woman’s name is Sue Anne and she refers to liquor as “hooch.”
20:56: Bear is drinking “hooch.”
21:37: I appreciate that Bear wears a little hat.
22:02: Bear is drunk.
24:01: B.J. is using the “hooch” as fuel.
28:00: B.J. is in a fight. I get the sense this kind of thing happens to him a lot.
28:54: Hammer just showed up and is helping B.J., this is all very confusing.
29:04: Bear just hit one of B.J.’s assailants with a tire iron.
29:54: Hammer explains to B.J. that he wants to fight B.J. one on one still, so that’s why he helped.
30:34: I don’t think I trust anyone with a chimpanzee as a best friend.
32:12: B.J. is trying to make a deal with Sue Anne’s father for all of his moonshine. This is a fairly dense plot for a show about driving a big rig with a chimpanzee. I suspect this is The Phantom Menace of B.J. and the Bear episodes.
36:08: This episode is now just about pumping gas.
37:03: I’m sad no one has said the line, “Please, Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em.”
38:04: B.J. is mad at Bear for not doing enough work. I honestly feel B.J. should see some type of specialist.
40:10: Bear just saved everyone by dumping beans on a government official.
41:40: I’m surprised there hasn’t been a theatrical B.J. and the Bear reboot starring Theo James.
43:50: There’s a car chase scene.
44:29: Hammer crashed into the oil refinery again. We’ve come full circle.
45:30: We are back at a honky-tonk, listening to “Stumblin’ In” by Chris Norman & Suzi Quatro.
45:47: B.J. announces that he won the contract. If Twitter existed in 1979, he’s be getting a lot of “congrats” right now.
47:23: B.J. and Tommy are making out at the bar again.
47:30: Bear is drinking booze again. Was the world a better place when our pet/best friend chimpanzees could drink liquor without judgment? Honestly, that’s not for me to say, that’s between you and your God.
47:55: The end credits have the theme song playing again. The theme song is the best thing about this show. And the shirt. I still like the shirt. And now I can confidently hold a discussion about one episode of B.J. and the Bear.
Mike Ryan lives in New York City and has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York magazine. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
