Because It’s National Chocolate Day, Let’s Remember Don Draper’s Failed, Awkward Hershey’s Pitch

07.07.14 3 Comments

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 3.06.52 PM

“I was an orphan. I grew up in Pennsylvania in a whorehouse. I read about Milton Hershey and his school in Coronet magazine or some other crap that the girls left by the toilet. And I read that some orphans had a different life there. I could picture it. I dreamed of it, of being wanted. Because the woman who was forced to raise me every day would look at me like she hoped I would disappear. The closest I got to feeling wanted was from a girl who made me go through her johns’ pockets while they screwed. If I collected more than a dollar, she’d buy me a Hershey’s bar. And I would eat it alone… in my room with great ceremony… feeling like a normal kid. And it said “sweet” on the back. It was the only sweet thing in my life.” — Don Draper

Oh hey did you know that today is National Chocolate Day? We, it is. So you’d better just bite the bullet and eat some damn chocolate today, okay? Look, I know it’ll be hard but you don’t want to piss off the chocolate Gods, right? You remember what happened to Don Draper, don’t you? He told a story to some Hershey’s execs that essentially correlated consuming the Great American Chocolate Bar to growing up in a whorehouse and the chocolate Gods made sure he paid for it, having him banished from the firm in shame. YOU DON’T WANT THAT, DO YOU?!?!?!

So don’t suffer the same fate as Don Draper. Eat some damn chocolate today. That is all.

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 2.57.41 PM


Around The Web