Chris Pratt is a wonderful human being. He’s become a household name thanks to his time as Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation, a certified action hero and charitable good guy after starring in Guardians of the Galaxy, and he’s now riding a motorcycle with a pack of Velociraptors in Jurassic World. So what does one of our favorite people do in his spare time with his buddies? He sends them pictures of his own feces.
GQ interviewed Pratt for its June issue, and one of the best kernels concerns the secret to his friendship with Nick Offerman and Adam Scott. They send each other poop pics. Why? As Pratt explains: “Because we’re buddies and it makes us laugh.”
GQ: What makes a particular movement sendable?
Pratt: “If it’s shaped like a letter—that qualifies. Like, one time I had one that was three pieces that landed in the shape of an N—I was like, ‘Gotta send that to Nick—it’s his first initial!’ If it’s extra…the size. You know, some poops are unremarkable, and some you take pictures of and send them to Nick Offerman.”
GQ: How do you feel when you receive a new one?
Pratt: “Respect. That’s how we are. You know how we know we respect the poops? Because we’ll send them, not even a single square of toilet paper in the photo. We won’t desecrate the art by obscuring even a corner of it with a piece of toilet paper. Which means that we will get up and take the photo before we wipe our ass, just out of sheer respect for the piece.”
Or, as Dr. Ian Malcolm would say:
The magazine also asked Pratt about what it was like being in a relationship with another celebrity, his wife and fellow performer Anna Faris. Faris, whose show Mom is a big hit on CBS, gained fame via the Scary Movie films several years before Parks and Recreation‘s Andy catapulted Pratt to stardom.
Turns out, he’s keeping a sh*t list:
“I’ve had those moments,” he says, “where I was like the guy holding the purse at events and people just looked right through me. And, you know, actors come up and just blatantly hit on my wife in front of me and don’t even look at me. I’m like, ‘What the fuck, dude?’ I can think of exactly who they are, too, and I hope they fucking audition for Guardians of the Galaxy….Also, producers and studio people now who will come up to me and treat me the same way that they were treating Anna. They’re like, ‘I always knew…’ I’m like, ‘Is that right? That’s interesting, because you fucking stared right through me the last time….'”
Right. So, if the opportunity to meet Pratt ever presents itself, I’ll make sure to abide by three simple rules:
- Do not, for the love of all things holy, hit on Faris in front of him.
- Be honest with him. (i.e. He’s slightly ginger, and this bothers me.)
- Show him a picture of my most recent glorious turd.