We spent a lot of 2014 covering theories for some of our favorite shows. For the most part, we’ve just continued watching the shows to see if a theory plays out (at least whenever a higher authority didn’t chime in with a definitive answer). However, there were a few in particular that were ridiculous from the get go, and they deserve to be put on blast. The following are all totally real theories that were not just made up by me this morning:
Show: True Detective
Theory: Marty’s daughter was the Yellow King.
Notes: Audrey was reenacting the Dora Lange crime scene with dolls, drawing the sex drawings, doing sex stuff (“You know, like f*cking”), AND has blonde hair. OMG, THE YELLOW KING WAS UNDER MARTY’S NOSE THE WHOLE TIME!!!
Result: Haha, no. I guess Audrey was a bit too young to run the operation. And they would probably refer to her as the Yellow Queen.
Show: The Walking Dead
Theory: The Governor’s gonna come back this time, just you wait.
Notes: After seeing him pop back up at the top half of season four, it seems possible that The Governor may have somehow survived and would be back to run things. People in Terminus were thriving? Governor’s behind that. Bob got snatched up at random? I bet The Governor was orchestrating the whole thing. A hospital was being run by cops? C’mon, that’s just government hierarchy right there.
Result: Now that we’re through two half-seasons of no shows, I’ll just concede that The Governor won’t be returning. Stay tuned next year for my theory where Morgan finds the group again, with help from Gareth, who was working for the Irish the whole time!
Show: Game of Thrones
Theory: Robin Arryn would be breastfed long after puberty.
Notes: He was being breastfed long after being an infant.
Result: This season went through great lengths to prove this one false once and for all.
Show: Mad Men
Theory: Ginsberg warning us about computers was for real.
Notes: Oh sure, in the episode Ginsberg was depicted as someone who belongs in the crazy house, but why go so far as to cut off his nipple? Perhaps this was a way for Matthew Weiner (who co-wrote this episode) to draw attention to the very real possibility that computers will one day try to rule us all.
Result: After a few hours of YouTube and staring into my smartphone, I’ve determined that this theory is rubbish. Computers are our friends, folks.
Theory: Joshua was the Ass Crack Bandit.
Notes: After losing his place of peace, the former groundskeeper went crazy and plotted revenge against the institution that made him this way. The last attacks happened over a year ago, which would be about season three-ish. Joshua was fired in season two, and likely avoided Greendale during the gas leak year. His need for revenge made him attack white and non-white alike.
Result: Sure, Joshua knew the layout of the school and the timelines match up, but… I mean… I guess I’ll just have to assume that Community wouldn’t bring a random character back just because. They wouldn’t, right?
[pulls out dartboard with pictures and rubber bands]