CSI: Cyber, CBS’s latest spin-off of its CSI franchise, focuses on “the Cyber Crime Division of the FBI, a unit at the forefront of solving illegal activities that start in the mind, live online, and play out in the real world.” It will star Patricia Arquette as “cyberpsychologist” Avery Ryan, as well as James Van Der Beek as action junkie Elijah Mundo (“a savant when it comes to weaponry, vehicles and bombs” who will “often put himself at risk to seek permanent justice”), and Bow Wow as Brody “Baby Face” Nelson (“a savant with cyber intrusions” who “will be working for the Feds while trying to keep his fingertips out of the Deep Web where he was groomed to be one of the most prolific hackers in the world”). I can’t believe it’s a real show. Look at some of those phrases. LOOK AT THEM. Permanent justice! Cyber intrusions! Everyone’s a savant! Incredible.
And it just went ahead and got more incredible, as Luke Perry — yes, that Luke Perry — has been brought in as the latest member of the team.
Perry will play Nick Dalton, a former FBI agent who was destined to run the cyber unit in Washington DC. After a classified falling out, Dalton set his sights on becoming a “futurist” for the private sector. According to a Cyber insider, Dalton will hold many secrets to Avery’s backstory. [TV Line]
So, to recap: CSI: Cyber is a show in which an action junkie bomb expert played by Dawson has to work with a shady super-hacker played by Bow Wow to protect the world from crimes that “start in the mind, live online, and play out in the real world,” whatever the hell that means, and the two of them are being kept in line by Patricia Arquette, who has a mysterious classified backstory that is only known by a corporate “futurist” played by Luke Perry.
This show sounds ten kinds of awful. I must have it at once.