TV

'Franklin & Bash' Recap: Sh-t Was Weak, Bro

Bros. BROS. I am NOT happy.

Last night’s episode of “Franklin & Bash” aka “Bros at Law” aka “LET’S ALL DO JAGERBOMBS AND HOPE THINGS WORK OUT” was weird because it started out with everybody partying and the cases were about Bash’s hot mom and a bro in a superhero costume so I was like “ANOTHER CLASSIC EPISODE, INDEED” but instead of an epic tale about hot moms boning superheroes and everyone doing body shots it was mostly about a sad dude who faked being awesome and real estate laws involving cows or something. Sh-t was weak, son. MAD WEAK. I mean, they didn’t even cash in on maximum LOL opportunities like for example when somebody said “Your client is a wackjob” and they go “Yeah well wackjobs need lawyers, too” and not a single person pointed out that a wackjob could also mean a handjob and so they would be saying “Handjobs need lawyers” which would be hilarious because a handjob isn’t even a person and also because of sex. IT WAS STARING YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE, BROS.

Long story short, after opening the season with a DOPE AS HELL episode about hot cops and beer with COURTROOM SHENANIGANS and NEFARIOUS SCHEMING, this episode was a bummer and featured hardly any hijinks and/or hot chicks in bathing suits and was actually mostly about people with weird psychological issues which is very much not LOLs.

CASE #1 – Weird Superhero Faker Bro

So this was the big case that they spent most of the episode on and it was about a dude who was all “I AM A SUPERHERO” but it was just the guy from Rudy in a cape being all weird. He chased some criminal guy onto a roof and was like “FREEZE” and the bad guy was all “SUCK IT” so he was like “HI-YAA” and did some karate move and the criminal fell off the roof to his death so now Rudy is being charged with manslaughter or whatever and Hot DA who Bash used to bone is prosecuting him. The twist is that Rudy isn’t really a superhero he’s just a dude in a costume who doesn’t have any powers. Anyway so Franklin and Bash call him as a witness and are all “You’re just like a neighborhood watch bro” and he’s like “Yup” but then Hot DA cross examines him and is all “You are a dangerous vigilante with no respect for the law” so Franklin’s like “OBJECTION SHE’S BEING A TOTAL BITCH” but the damage was already done.

Things weren’t actually looking that bad because whatever it’s just manslaughter so Franklin and Bash got this BUT THEN Hot DA found a tape where Rudy was arguing with the criminal earlier so he had MOTIVE so she’s like “I want to charge him with murder now” and Franklin’s all “Ugh, she’s being a bitch again, Your Honor” but the judge thinks about it and goes “I will allow it because of the law” so BOOM MURDER TRIAL. So now things are looking bad and oh yeah I almost forgot earlier in the episode Sexy Investigator Lady went to the building where the fight happened and knocked on a dude’s door and the dude was a stoner so he was all “Whoa, dude, I am blazed” but it turned out he heard a thump on the roof so everybody was like “Hmm, what was that thump?” and so later they start snooping around and they find some of Rudy’s cape on another roof so they’re all “OK this is interesting.”

Then they ask Rudy about why his cape was on a different roof but he sticks to his story about saving the day so they call him as a witness again and go “Be honest, bro. You didn’t save the day. You were scared of the criminal bro so you jumped to the other roof to get away and he tried to jump after you but he fell and died” and Rudy was all “Wah wah yes I just wanted all my fake superhero buddies and also society in general to think I was brave boo hoo” so with this new evidence Hot DA drops the charges.

So basically Rudy is innocent because he was a total pussy. Weak sauce, bros.

CASE #2 – Bash’s Hot Mom Did Something

The second case wasn’t really a case because it was just about Bash’s mom selling her house and then getting sad about it and wanting it back so Dick Lawyer was like “I am an expert at real estate so I will help you” and she was all “OK deal and also I am a cougar like I was in Wedding Crashers so I’m going to say and do sexy things in the process even though I am old.” So Bash’s mom comes around a lot and whatever and I guess it was important but to be honest I didn’t pay attention that much because the episode was lame so I started working my lats but I guess she got to keep the house due to cow crossing or something.

You know who has a hot mom? My boy Steez. She and his dad got a divorce a few years ago and so she’s been going to the gym and she got a boob job and now she’s all BA-DOW. One day she came over to drop off some brownies and she was wearing yoga pants and giant-ass sunglasses and I was like “You must be Steez’s sister” even though I knew it was his mom because that is a flattering thing to say to old chicks and then she took off her sunglasses and looked at me and said “Well aren’t you sweet” and BROS I think she wants it. Not even joking, bros. I haven’t decided how to play this yet because I know it’s bros before hoes but I also know Steez would get mad if I called his mom a ho so maybe that doesn’t apply here. I have much to ponder bros but I’m probably just gonna nail her because that would be EPIC.

OTHER SH-T AND STUFF

– Apparently Hot Cop from last episode was not just a slut that Bash was going to bang once and be done with because SHE IS BACK and drinking White Russians at parties and providing sage advice like “Slow your roll” and looking HOT as hot cops are WONT TO DO. I guess she is Bash’s girlfriend now which I am conflicted about because on one hand she is hot and likes to party but on the other hand having a girlfriend will probably cut down on the amount of strippers he is allowed to have in the hot tub. This is a classic dilemma facing bros everywhere so it is very realistic and important and also at the end of the episode Bash’s mom texted her from his phone and told her to come over wearing a skirt and no underwear so she could bone him and she did so SHE IS TOTES A KEEPER IT SEEMS.

– Speaking of chicks Bash used to bone, Sexy DA called off her wedding to James Van Der Beek because of a monsoon or something and also she is blonder than she was last season so these are both developments we will need to keep an eye on.

– Middle Eastern Bro went to meet that girl he had a crush on in college that they talked about last episode but instead of being smooth like “Sup, I’m the Middle Eastern Bro. Do you like Patron?” he was all “I AM STRANGE AND I LIKE YOU HI P.S. I AM KIND OF STALKING YOU,” which is not a very good approach but GUESS WHAT it worked. Sort of. It turns out College Chick is just as crazy as he is but a different kind of crazy where she has low self-esteem and bangs lots of dudes (DIBS!) so they are going to see Wise Old Bro Lawyer Bro’s psychiatrist and try to get all that ironed out which is dumb because (a) his problem is that he doesn’t like to go outside and (b) her problem is that she loves to bone, so she could just come over and they could bang in his room. PROBLEM SOLVED

– Bros. Did you know there is a “Franklin & Bash” Vegas travel package. Ladybro reader Jen informed me of this and I clicked on the link and it is called the “Bashover VIP Package” which is important because it is both a reference to The Hangover and also a great name for [points to groin] MY DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, BROS. It comes with Criss Angel tickets! HOW COULD THIS NEWS POSSIBLY BE ANY BETTER?! I vote we all book a trip together and do Vegas in style like the bros and ladybros of leisure that we are. FIELD TRIP.

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