‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: ‘Garden of Bones’

Senior Pop Culture Editor
04.23.12 174 Comments

NOTE: I’ll open a SPOILER thread at the bottom of this post’s comments section. Please contain all your “upcoming on GoT” talk to there. If you mention something that hasn’t happened on the show yet outside of said thread, you’ll be banned. The only way to be unbanned: giving me all your dragons. No dragons, no dice.

More so than any other “Game of Thrones” episode, “Garden of Bones,” which WAS going to be the name of my spa-slash-puppy hotel, invoked the most HOLYSH*TWHATISHAPPENING moments yet. It began with a simple fart joke – and then we were treated to an amputation, Joffrey threatening Sansa with a crossbow, Joffrey showing his inner Patrick Bateman to two of Tyrion’s “gifts,” a chest full of Ned Stark’s bones, MORE incest, a rat gnawing his way through someone’s chest, a conversation about sliced-off fingers, and, of course, that HOLYSH*TWHATISHAPPENING smoke monster birth scene.

Sunday night was certainly “dark and full of terrors.” And Joffrey is officially THE WORST.

  • From now on, every episode of “Game of Thrones” must begin with a fart joke.
  • Does Robb have a covered-in-blood fetish, or is Talisa/Jeyne just that pretty? Probably both.
  • Some viewers have been complaining about the lack of battles this season (like how we never actually see the Starks destroy the Lannisters). What those people are missing is that “Game of Thrones” isn’t about that; it’s more interested in behind-the-scenes deals and secret treacheries. In other words: YOU’RE WRONG, Internet people.
  • I’m pretty sure the disgusting piece of cloth the Dog covered Sansa with gave her ear mites. And heartworms.
  • “There’s no cure for being a c*nt.” CLASSIC BRONN.
  • Margaery’s dress looked like an ice cream cone.
  • I’m so happy that we were finally introduced to “Arya’s list.” It’s only a matter before that becomes the name of a sh*tty emo band.
  • The bald dude from the Thirteen who didn’t speak (we’ll later learn his name) looks like one of the Gentlemen from the “Buffy” episode “Hush.” But with a more reflective head, like he just took it out of a bowling ball shiner.
  • I’ve been mispronouncing “Qarth” this entire time, too.
  • Some random WordPress blog tells me that Chicago is “the greatest city that ever was, or ever will be.” I guess they haven’t tried Daxos’s famous Daxosauce Pizza.
  • Good to know that Stannis is as rigid about grammar as he is about everything else.
  • This is the worst person on the Internet:
  • Attractive Women of “Game of Thrones” Power Rankings, Episode 4: #5. Melisandre, #4. Roz, #3. Margaery, #2. Talisa, #1. Daenerys.

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