The Walking Dead returns to the Breaking Bad-less AMC for season four this Sunnday, which means we get to spend another eight episodes comparing the show to the comic, wondering why the cars are always so damn clean, mocking #hardwickhashtags, and screaming, “AW HELL NAW. IF YOU KILL DARYL, I’LL KILL YOU.”
Norman Reedus’s Daryl Dixon is far and away the most interesting and popular character on The Walking Dead, and his death would cause an Internet riot the likes of which Twitter hasn’t seen (Daryl > Robb Stark). For that reason, one would assume he’s safe; then again, The Walking Dead isn’t exactly the most stable of shows. Anyway, I’ve compiled 10 beloved TV characters whose extermination would cause viewers to flip so many sh*ts. Two notes: I didn’t include titular characters, which basically means Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock is nowhere to be found (you’re welcome, Cumberbitches), and I left out sitcoms, too; it’d be weird if, say, Ben Wyatt were to choke on a Sweetums’ candy bar, and I don’t want to think about that. As ever, if Daryl dies, we riot. If Carl dies, we laugh.
1. Boyd Crowder (Justified)
No character death would shake UPROXX to its core more than if Justified‘s Boyd Crowder were to join the likes of Mags, Arlo, and Emmitt. I’m not sure what that says about us, that we’d fall to pieces over a guy who used to launch bazookas at black churches and now sells heroin east of the Mississippi, but you gotta respect that hair.
2. Alison Hendrix (Orphan Black)
Of all the clones on Orphan Black, Alison is the only to do Hip-Hop Abs, making her the best clone on Orphan Black. There are shadow organizations searching for and hunting down the Tatiana Maslanys of the world, but no capture would be more heartbreaking than if Alison wasn’t able to play her Meredith Brooks CD just one more time.
3. Richard Harrow (Boardwalk Empire)
Richard has almost died dozens of times. Hell, his “Margate Sands” shootout could easily have ended with Emma not having a brother anymore, not to mention that time he almost sprayed his face-mask all over the forest floor, until a dog saved his life. He’s not a happy man, and more than anyone else on this list, Richard has the highest probability of dying by his own hand. Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen; who else would Paul F. Tompkins impersonate on podcasts, except Cake Boss (Cake Boss!), Garry Marshall, Andrew Lloyd Webber…
4. Olivia Pope (Scandal)/Peggy Olson (Mad Men)
OK, Scandal isn’t going to kill Olivia Pope, but that show is so bonkers and unpredictable that I wouldn’t put it past the writers to have discussed it. THEN WHO WOULD KNOW THE LOCATION OF THE ANTIDOTE TO THE POISON THAT THE SCANDALOUS PRESIDENT JUST SCANDALOUSLY SWALLOWED. (I’ve taken up Scandal fan fiction.) Much more likely, which is to say that there’s a 2% chance of it happening, is Matthew Weiner ending Peggy, because he’s a male showrunner of an all-time great drama, and male showrunners of all-time great dramas love killing fan favorite characters. One night Peggy goes out for PIZZA HOUSE…and she never returns.
5. Daryl Dixon (The Walking Dead)
Hot Topic sells If Daryl Dies, We Riot merchandise. 12-year-old mall punk me would have SO bought that.
6. Arya Stark (Game of Thrones)
/is afraid of giving George R.R. Martin and/or David Benioff and D. B. Weiss any ideas
//prays to the Gods Old and New that Arya doesn’t get Red Wedding’d
///thanks the God of Tits of Wine that “Red Wedding’d” can be used in casual conversation
7. Saul Berenson (Homeland)
Saul dying would be like my actual father kicking the bucket, and I like Saul and I like father, so why would I want that to happen, you monster? The oh so stern one is the best reason to watch Homeland this season, unless you’re a Dana lover, in which case, go to the picnic blanket that mysteriously showed up in your kitchen, there’s definitely not an endless pit underneath that’s punishment for enjoying TV’s worst character. Saul is such a comforting, paternal presence, which is another way of saying the world needs his beard now more than ever.
8. Crazy Eyes (Orange Is the New Black)
In the weeks following Orange Is the New Black‘s Netflix/think-piece explosion, I must have had the same conversation at least a dozen times: “Who’s your favorite character?” “Like, ever?” I’d respond, immediately thinking of Goo from My Brother and Me. “No, on Orange Is the New Black.” Oh. Anyway, I always gave the same answer, and more often than not, so did they: Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren. I don’t know what it was about her that makes her so wonderful, so unique, so piss happy, except for all that. It’s probably the crazy eyes.
9. Daniel Holden (Rectify)
Mostly because the end of Daniel Holden would mean the end of Rectify, which would make the 47 people who watch Rectify furious. (Please watch Rectify. Please don’t kill Daniel, Rectify.)
10. Dexter (Dexter)
OH WAIT. F*ck you, Dexter.