What I Would Do If I Were In The Purge

09.07.18 12 Comments


The Purge is a hugely popular film series that has now spawned a USA Network/SyFy television series. The premise of all of these is pretty simple: In a world not entirely unlike the world we live in today, a law has been passed that makes all crime legal for one 12-hour period on one day every year, an event called, fittingly enough, the Purge. And if you’re anything thing like me, you’ve spent a lot of time since the first Purge movie was released thinking about what you would if you lived in a world where the Purge was real, even if you’ve never actually seen any of the movies and have the TV show sitting unwatched on your DVR, which I have not and do. What I’m saying is that I have a lot of half-formed and uninformed thoughts about the Purge. Here’s what I’ve figured out.

If I were in the Purge, I think, instead of murdering people or rioting, I would spend the other 364 days building an impenetrable bunker with one of those eye scanner locks and then stay down there all day doing cybercrimes against hedge funds. That way I would be safe from other Purgers while I make millions in money stolen from people who already have too much of it. Bingo bango, the perfect plan. The only problem is that I would need to learn how to build an impenetrable bunker and do cybercrimes because I do not know how to do either of those things.

Maybe I can just hire people to build my impenetrable bunker and teach me to do cybercrimes. I’ll just have to pay them with a percentage of my future Purge earnings. But I guess, before I went down into my bunker on Purge Day, I would have to track down the people who helped me and be like “Hey, we’re cool, right? You’re not going to use your knowledge of my secret bunker and cybercrime fortune to rob me, possibly after killing me and holding my decapitated head in front of the eye scanner to get into the facility, are you?”

Hmm. As I’m typing this I’m starting to realize I would definitely get murdered on Purge Day by someone who knows about my bunker and they’ll use my decapitated head to get past the eye scanner. So that won’t work. Let’s try something else.

If I were in the Purge, maybe I would stick to something smaller, like spending solid two or three hours doing donuts in the meticulously manicured front lawns of my enemies’ homes. That would be fun. And maybe I would keep a notepad with “Places/People to Purge” written on the front with me at all times the other 364 days of the year and I would make a big show out of adding new items to it. Like if I went to the Apple Store and they told me they couldn’t give me an appointment until the following Tuesday or something, I’d pull out my notepad in grand dramatic fashion, flip through the pages until I find an empty line, touch the tip of my pen to my tongue like old-timey reporters do in movies, and then quietly — but definitely audibly — mutter “Well it looks like you just made the Purge list” as I jot down “The Apple Store.”

But, if I’m being honest here, I would probably talk about the Purge all year long — what and who I’m Purging, how I’m gonna do it, all the donuts I’m gonna do — but then on Purge Day I’d just sit around the house looking at social media all and saying things like “Damn, the Purge is wild this year” to myself.

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