Laurie Kilmartin is a comic and writer probably best known for being a finalist on the seventh season of Last Comic Standing, in addition to her appearances on various late night talk shows. She is also a writer for Conan and the author of Shitty Mom, which was a New York Times bestseller. Her acclaimed 2016 standup special, 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad, will be available for purchase as an album on June 9. Laurie was nice enough to take a few minutes to participate in our twenty questions questionnaire recently.
1. You walk into a bar. What do you order from the bartender?
At a comedy club, I order water. At a regular bar, I order the last drink I saw a character order on TV. (I’m easily influenced.)
2. Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter and/or Instagram?
Instagram- I love the #beforeandafter hashtag. I love transformations.
Twitter- Right now, @LaurenDuca. I like her tweets and her retweets. She’s a great writer and she has good taste in RTs.
3. What’s currently waiting for you on your DVR or your streaming queue?
30 episodes of Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn, because the last time I had a DVR was 2004. It’s in a closet.
4. It’s your last meal — what are you going out with?
Crusty, crunchy 3-cheese mac-n-cheese.
5. What websites do you visit on a regular basis?
Twitter: my list of political journalists.
Jezebel
YouBeMom
The Atlantic
Redfin: (Silicon Valley did a perfect “Redfin vacation” joke. Looking at places you can’t afford.)
Craiglist: looking for things I can afford.
6. What’s the most frequently played song on your mobile device?
“Home,” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I still love it!
7. If you could go back and give your 18-year-old self one piece of advice what would it be?
You are never going to get thinner, you will always be a size 12/14, no matter who you do. So stop trying and have fun.
8. What’s the last thing you Googled?
“Kathy Griffin behead”
9. Dogs or cats?
Dogs.
10. Best concert of your life was…?
B-52s. Fred really sounded like that.
11. What book are you most likely to give as a gift?
An empty Moleskin. Start writing, you’ll be a better person.
12. What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
I was working with comedian Gregg Rogell in Dayton Ohio. I told him I was moving to NYC soon, and he called up 3 comedy clubs RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and told them to work me. It didn’t completely work, but it helped!
13. South Park or Family Guy?
South Park. South Park and dogs.
14. You have an entire day to do whatever you want. What would you do?
Take sleeping pills the night before to make sure I didn’t wake up before 11 AM. That’s as far as I can take it. I am unable to imagine a day like this.
15. What movie can you not resist watching if it’s on?
Casino. Every performance is great and Sharon Stone was stunning. Plus Don Rickles!
16. The sports team or teams you’re most passionate about?
Swimming in the Olympics. It’s the only clean racing sport.
17. Where did you eat the best meal of your life?
I’m not a foodie, so I’ll say the Flying J on I-5, right before the Grapevine. Their hard-boiled eggs really hit the spot.
18. The last movie you saw in a theater?
LEGO Batman. I have a 10 year old. I can’t wait ’til he wants to see gangster movies.
19. Who was your first celebrity crush?
Jimmy Baio. He was on Soap, he was Scott Baio’s talented cousin. If he’s a Trump supporter, don’t tell me.
20. What would you cook if Nic Cage was coming to your house for dinner?
Nic Cage seems like a guy who would try anything once, so I’d make him a casserole. I’ve never made a casserole before and I’d like Nic Cage to be the first to taste my virgin effort.
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