The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.
Season 3, Episode 2 — “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea”
HONORABLE MENTION: Mae (legit lol at her swapping humans instead of plates after mixing up the order); Rupert (charming snake); wearing a top hat (just do it one day next week and never explain it); Hallmark movies (“They suck but they’re great”); Jamie (“It called empath-eh you dusty old fart”); Isaac (need to hear more about body science); Shandy (congrats on the new job); Will Kitman (he’s going through a breakup and just wants to drink some fishbowls with the boys); having a vast network of lip reading massage therapists (useful); lamb poop (surprisingly funky); Rebecca’s mom (she and her psychic are just trying to help)
10. (tie) Barbara the CFO (LAST WEEK: 6)
There’s a thing this show does where they’ll introduce a character and make them look like a jerk and then humanize them a bit, either through backstory or a confession or, in this case, a whole mess of snow globes. I like that they do this, in part because it is my position in most cases that people are doing the best they can and their rough edges are there for a reason or as a result of things in their past. Also, that very few people view themselves as the villain in their own story. So, yes, Barbara is not just some penny-pinching creep who exists to make Keeley’s life hell every day. She’s a whole-ass person whose life and job require her to sometimes be a hardass, but who also has a soft side that collects snow globes of all the places she gets parachuted into to make the finances work. Again, I like that the show does this. It’s a good reminder that the jerk you met in the grocery store last weekend might have been a decent dude who was just having a real crappy day.
It is a little funny that it only took them two episodes to do it, though. No time for dilly-dallying, I guess. Final season and all.
10. (tie) Higgins (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Three things worth noting here:
- I need an extended little spy movie montage of his network of sources playing telephone to get information to him
- I loved the little misery face he did when Rupert showed up with Zava
- STOP JINXING IT
A lovely man.
9. Zava (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Welcome to Richmond, Zava!
This is… going to get interesting. I don’t think Jamie is super jazzed about it, for one, if only because he was supposed to be the resident talented diva on the roster and Zava appears to have him topped in both talent and diva… ness. Is divaness a word? Autocorrect seems to think not. It just tried to change things to “divine mess.” Which also works, actually. Sometimes the universe gets it right.
But yes. This is going to get interesting. And it was fun the way it all went down, with Rupert turning on his charm and Rebecca getting fed up and proving herself formidable too by busting into a men’s bathroom and basically negging him into joining the team as he stood there and peed. I can’t decide who I’m most excited to see Zava interact with. The easy answer is Roy because, well, the growling. But don’t forget about Isaac. He takes pride in being a leader and a tough guy. I hope they have a nose-to-nose stand-off like Vin Diesel and The Rock did in Fast Five. Maybe they can do it in Brazil, too.
8. Trent Crimm (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Three things here once again:
- It’s nice to have Trent back, mostly because he provides a good balance to the action but also because he has really wonderful hair
- I got a real kick out of the little “Who’s On First?” bit in the early-going where the team was worked up about the Roy-Keeley thing but Ted spilled the beans about Zava and Trent in a way that ended with people wondering why Zava would write a book about Trent Crimm
- I wonder if he still introduces himself as “Trent Crimm, The Independent” sometimes by accident
For the record: I would probably read this fictional book he’s writing.
7. Ted (LAST WEEK: 5)
It doesn’t happen often but I do appreciate the rare occasions where Ted makes his Serious Dad Face and gets a little tough, like he did when he told Roy to go squash the beef with Trent. This is yet another good reason to try to be nice most of the time, if you can. The times when you actually do need to be a hardass about something important carry the appropriate weight. Nice little card to keep in your pocket for when you need it.
6. Headbutts, generally (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
While I do not support the general idea of using your head — the thing that houses your brain and eyes and many other of the body’s important holes — as a weapon, I will say that there’s something incredibly cool about wiping someone out by smashing your forehead into theirs. I’ve never done it and suspect I never will. I hope you do not ever either, both because I value your face and because I would be a little terrified of anyone who openly admits to doing this frequently. It would affect our relationship in a weird way.
Between the video of Zava headbutting a man in the grocery store and Roy threatening to headbutt anyone who talks to Trent, there are — at present, at least — single-digit odds that the two of them get into an argument and smash craniums together like rams battling over a mate. Something to keep an eye on.
5. Keeley (LAST WEEK: 8)
Three notes, yet again:
- I like that she seems to be figuring out work a little, even if Barbara did kind of have a point about maybe not just hiring your friends for positions that did not exist the day before
- It is funny that everyone assumed she dumped Roy instead of the other way around
- Please note the face she made while everyone was singing the Roy Kent song in the Chelsea stadium, which I have GIFed above
Keeley is going through some stuff.
4. Dani Rojas (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Putting Dani Rojas at number four is admittedly ridiculous given everything else that happened in this episode, but I stand by it for a couple reasons. The first is that he scored a goal with his face, which is not easy and also not something that is usually recommended for many of the reasons set forth in the section about headbutts. The second reason is that he was either so scared of Roy or such a good teammate (or both) that he shouted the eff-word at Trent Crimm despite being one of the sweetest men on television.
Good for him.
3. Roy (LAST WEEK: 9)
Hoo buddy. Lot going on here. Roy is still dealing with the breakup he instigated, to the shock of every single person who hears about it. He went back to Chelsea for the first time since officially retiring, which had to be a lot emotionally (especially when the crowd started singing his song), even for a guy who tends to growl through his feelings. And he got a little blindsided by the business with his archenemy, Trent Crimm, which all led to that moment in the shower when he revealed that he’s the kind of guy who will carry around a mean newspaper clipping for many decades as a way to fuel the fire inside him that always burns at a low crackle. As a man who loves a good “we’re not so different, you and I” moment between adversaries, I did very much appreciate the thing at the end where Roy said they both thought they sucked at their jobs. That was a nice little treat for me.
We are learning a lot about Roy this season. So is Roy, actually. It’s the same thing I pointed out earlier in the section about Barbara and people doing the best they can given their circumstances. It’s kind of nice to see him softening up a little.
I said a little.
2. Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 7)
Big week for Rebecca, who kind of needed a big week. The Rupert business touches on something buried deep in her subconscious. There’s got to be some insecurity there, the thing where she’s the owner of a team only because she got it in the divorce from her rich and successful and suave ex-husband, who now owns a new team in the same league she’s ascended to and hired away her strategic mastermind and seems to take a sick glee in trying to remind her who both of them were before their marriage. It’s a lot.
Which is what made the bathroom thing so cool. (I realize that this sentence is ridiculous without any context. It’s probably the first time I’ve ever typed out the words “what made the bathroom thing so cool” in that order. Big week for both of us, really.) She really just barged in and trashed that man while his fly was open at the urinal, which is a vulnerable place and position to get yelled at by a tall angry woman. Or anyone. But especially a tall angry woman. I do not think I would enjoy that.
Also, it’s funny to think about Zava’s impression of Rebecca at this point. We know her as a sweetheart who is just trying to figure things out, but to him, if this is his only interaction with her to-date, she’s some slightly terrifying badass who goes where she wants and talks down to superstars and tells it like it is regardless of the consequences. Imagine him explaining any of this to one of his friends. If he has friends. I don’t know what to make of him yet. Either way, good for Rebecca.
1. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 1)
A relentlessly fascinating and mysterious man who sometimes shrieks a little and/or bolts into a room like a cartoon character when he gets startled.
I love him.