The Next Star Of ‘The Bachelor’ Is Chris Soules, A Guy Who Is Afraid Of Diarrhea

Since when the hell do we care about what happens on The Bachelor, you’re probably asking your monitor right now while staring at the sculpted hair of this grown child posing for his middle school yearbook photo. Well, since True Blood ended, because the next show that I’m adding to my plate is ABC’s inexplicably still-running hit reality series The Bachelor, which will enter its umpteenth season come January, and I plan to be there the whole way, writing about all of the nonsense in ways that will torture me well beyond what I’ve already experienced from E!’s Total Divas. And today we finally know who the next recycled Bachelorette contestant to take on a soulless gaggle of fame-hungry gals will be – Chris Soules.

“Chris WHO?” you and I both ask in melodic unison. Chris Soules. Fans of The Bachelorette will apparently remember him as “Farmer Chris,” because he’s actually a farmer from the little town of Lamont, Iowa. The 32-year old will reportedly appear on Good Morning America tomorrow morning to announce that he’s the next Bachelor, and people who keep track of this nonsense say that it’s true, because former Bachelorette contestant Arie Luyendyk Jr., son of the two-time Indy 500 winner, Tweeted last night that he’s out of the running.

And you see, “the farm” is a reference to Soules being a farmer. It’s really all quite clever.

According to US Weekly, Soules was a huge fan favorite during the past season of The Bachelorette, as Andi Dorfman, who is currently engaged to the show’s “winner” and her eventual first husband, Josh Murray, cried real tears from her eye holes when she had to send Soules packing. Man, she must have needed a lot of time to get over that one, but her loss is some other woman’s gain, because Soules can’t wait for the chance to meet the woman of his dreams in an organized, scripted setting that is comparable to a trip to a Nevada brothel. Except free!

“How could you not be interested in that? Especially for me, in the situation I’m in, I live in a small town. it’s kind of part of the reason I’m here,” he told us. “I’m 32 and I haven’t really met the person I’m looking for and it’s hard to meet people…in a small town. So that alone makes it something I would be interested in.” (Via E! Online)

Some interesting things to know about Soules, per his Bachelorette bio, include that his favorite holiday is Christmas (get the mistletoe ready, ladies) and his favorite magazines are Forbes and, I sh*t you not, “farming magazines.” Not Farmer’s Weekly, Farming Digest or even Hot Babes Riding Big Black Tractors. Just “farming magazines.” But most importantly, this:

What’s your biggest date fear?
Accidental diarrhea.

You and me both, Farmer Chris.

It might sound like I’m being overly cynical about covering The Bachelor, because I already don’t take any of these people seriously, and I can’t believe that viewers are still so emotionally invested in this stupid show (just look at the responses to Luyendyk’s Tweet!). But I swear to you all that I’m beyond excited about this, because this is going to be some good, old-fashioned and especially unfiltered fun. January can’t get here fast enough.