The Most Absurd Moments From The ‘Total Divas’ Season 6 Finale

Previously on Total Divas, Maryse and Miz went on a weird delayed double-honeymoon with Eva Marie and our beloved Jonathan. This week, it is sadly, woefully, the season finale, and we will have to brave a cold summer until Total Bellas begins its second season in September.

Starting with the season six’s second-half premiere, I’ve been trying something a bit different in terms of format for the remainder of the season. Rather than a blow-by-blow recap, we’ll highlight the best, brightest, and most ridonkulous moments of each episode. And now, just a scant six episodes hence, our noble experiment is at an end.

And now, the most absurd moments from season six, episode 16 of Total Divas.

The mystery partner

The opening of the show has Natalya and Naomi freaking out prior to SummerSlam, because hours before showtime, they haven’t been clued in on who their mystery partner will be.

Later in the show, Naomi says she’s “been hearing some tea through the grapevines” that Lana is trying to insert herself into the match. I spend the next 10 minutes thinking about how you put tea through a grapevine, or how you would hear tea being put through a grapevine. Maybe it drips? She probably hears some dripping. The dripping of tea off a grapevine.

Carrano finally pulls the five women into a trailer to reveal who their partner will be. We don’t get to see that, though. We just see the big reveal of Nikki’s return when she makes her SummerSlam entrance. Nikki says the return makes it “worth every tear, and sweat, and blood.” EVERY BLOOD.

Nikki doesn’t want handouts

After Eva Marie gets suspended (more on that in a moment), Brie asks Daniel Bryan to plant the seeds for Nikki to be the surprise partner. And when Nikki finds out, she gets … pissed? Nikki thinks Bryan pitching Nikki as the partner undermines her hard work, because she doesn’t want to be viewed as getting things because she’s Daniel Bryan’s sister-in-law or John Cena’s girlfriend. She tells Brie she’s disappointed in her. She’s mad AND disappointed!

When Bryan finds out Brie didn’t ask Nikki before asking him, now HE’S disappointed. He points out that when he was coming back from his injury, Nikki wanted to ask Cena to pitch him being general manager. Brie sees that she has been a pot, and was running her mouth about the kettle. Brie apologizes, and that’s that.

Chateau MarMiz prom

With everyone having some days off before SummerSlam, Maryse wants to throw one of their famous Chateau MarMiz parties in Brooklyn. Nattie plants the seeds of the party having a prom theme, and Maryse is fully on board. She later reveals to Miz that she was dumped two hours before her own prom, so she’s never gone. Miz immediately throws himself behind the party after hearing that, and very romantically asks her to the prom. Later, he buys a prom dress for her so she doesn’t have to worry about a thing.

He also Pretty Womans her with a glove box, and they both find out that real life is a lot more painful than the movies.

The prom ends up being incredible, with ice sculptures and set decoration and everything — almost like a television production company threw it together! Miz’s piece de resistance is getting the most famous principal of all to name the prom king and queen — Mr. Belding himself! Thank goodness Dennis Haskins is a wrestling fan!

The Total Divas production people then do one of their best things ever, as they put together a Saved By the Bell montage with graphics and the actual theme song. They sprang for the money to license the real theme! I’m so proud of this television show. You’ll never guess who won king and queen. It’s Mike and Maryse! (Although Jon did try to stuff the ballet box with 36 identical-handwriting ballots for Naomi.)

Happy trails, Eva Marie

https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/862476491967389696

After being part of Total Divas from the very beginning (and being the only constant every year apart from the Bellas and Natalya), Eva Marie’s time on the show — and with WWE — appears to be at an end. We see the news of her failing the Wellness Policy days before SummerSlam, and we get her explanation: her doctor didn’t file the appropriate paperwork for a prescription medication in time. Then we get her leaving a Brooklyn hotel and asking not to be filmed.

If that’s how Eva Marie leaves the show (and the company) forever, it’s certainly an ignominious ending. But at least she gets some semblance of an ending. She’s been great, both on the show and in WWE, and has been legitimately one of my favorite things about pro wrestling for the past couple of years. If this really is the end, I will miss her and Jonathan tremendously. And perhaps most of all, I will miss Jonathan’s deep-V shirts.

The Vs … they were so deep.

Lana’s dance battle

Lana goes shopping for a tuxedo to wear to prom, and when Naomi questions her dancing ability, Lana says she can out-dance Naomi in a tuxedo or a dress. Naomi can’t believe this — she has five years of tap, many years of other types of dancing. She implores Lana to put her money where her mouth is.

Lana goes for some hip-hop dance lessons prior to this dance-off, because for all her boasting, she’s out of practice a little. Natalya goes with her to the class, and we learn what we all probably secretly suspected: Nattie can’t dance to save her life. Lana later dances on the street as fans cheer.

https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/862482554011701248

The big dance battle goes down at the prom, of course, and there is some serious Bring it On and/or You Got Served faction taunting, as Nattie shoves Naomi and challenges her to prove that it’s already been broughten. Nattie and Jon show off some crazy moves, and then Lana does an INSANE pop and lock/robot routine in her tux. She finishes with contortions, and then Naomi gets in there and starts doing ballet leaping spin kicks. This shit was fully wild.

https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/862485442691772416

P.S. we pregnant

We get a “THREE WEEKS LATER” coda with Brie finding out she’s pregnant. In an amazing bit of timing, her child Birdie was born less than 24 hours before this season finale.

And that’s it! We’ll see you in September for the second season of Total Bellas. It’s going to be a long and lonely road, so leave a light on for me, if you would.