Two weeks ago, Larry King welcomed Anna Paquin on his Hulu series to talk about everything from the sadness that comes from wrapping up a TV series to her bisexuality, and while the latter was certainly more interesting to most people, she revealed very little about what we can expect from the final four hours of True Blood. Obviously, we shouldn’t expect Sookie Stackhouse to spill her faery beans on any shocking revelations that may be coming, but let’s be serious. I’m laying down the gauntlet once and for all to make the most obvious statement I can possibly make – nothing shocking will happen before the final credits roll for “Thank You” on August 24.
“So why do we bother, Burnsy?” Why? Because we are so damn close, and for all of the people who have chimed in to say, “I can’t believe you people still watch this sh*t,” we deserve to see this thing through, even if the final scene will probably make The Sopranos cutting to black look like Sam Malone locking up Cheers. For poops and laughs, though, I’m going to make my final predictions for how these next four episodes will play out, starting with this week’s episode, “May Be the Last Time.” (Remember, I write this intro before I watch the episode, as if to say, “Hey, let’s all go into this with fresh eyeballs and the lowest expectations imaginable.”)
– Violet will meet her end at Jessica’s hands, and then our favorite eternal virgin will end up with Jason, after whatever weird crap goes down with Hoyt, who had no reason to come back.
– Eric will end up being cured with Sarah’s blood after he kills her. That will be awesome. Then, Eric and Pam will go off on a global adventure together, because they love each other or something dumb like that.
– Bill will die, though, so he can spend the after-afterlife with his wife and the little girl from the eHarmony commercials.
– Lettie Mae will figure out what is causing Tara to look like a character in an Aphex Twin music video and finally end that terrible story, but seven episodes too late.
– Sam will end up with Sookie, because he’s the dude who still loves the girl who dated all the cool guys until they all realized they weren’t ever cool.