Two Sailors Have An Important Discussion About The Huge Statue In Braavos From ‘Game Of Thrones’

A ship approaches Braavos. The crew’s journey has been long and difficult, but excitement has spread as their destination comes into view. Two sailors, Gary and Dan, make their way to the front of the ship to get a better look.

GARY: Man, Braavos. Finally.

DAN: Finally.

GARY: I can’t believe we’ve been sailing for eight weeks.

DAN: I’m going to get a mug of ale as big as my head and sleep on a sturdy bed. Hopefully next to a stunning Braavosi woman.

GARY: That sounds wonderful.

DAN: Holy cow, look at that statue straddling the entryway. It’s huge.

GARY: Yeah, that’s the Titan of Braavos. I’ve heard stories about it, but never seen it in person. Looks like we’re going to sail right under it.

DAN: Yeah. Hey… do you think…

GARY: What?

DAN: Never mind.

GARY: Aw, come on. What?

DAN: Do… do you think that statue is… anatomically correct?

GARY: Are you asking me if I think the statue has a penis?

DAN: I’m just saying, we’re going to be sailing right under it. And it’s wearing the traditional Braavosi warrior skirt. It would be kind of weird if it was just smooth castrated stone under there, right?

GARY: Less weird than if there’s a giant 10-foot stone phallus hanging down from it?

DAN: I mean, it’s weird either way, I guess. But if I’m making a giant warrior statue to greet people coming to my Free City, and I’m having it proudly straddling the only way in, I’m not leaving it out there with, like, nothing. Doesn’t exactly send a message of strength.

GARY: Yeah, but do you really think the sculptor took all the extra time to carve out anatomically correct sexual organs, knowing that every ship passing under it would look up and be greeted with it as their very first experience in Braavos.

DAN: That’s what I’m saying, though. It’s a total power move. “Welcome to Braavos. Gaze upon our masculine warrior’s huge penis and know shame and inadequacy.”

GARY: Oh, so it’s a huge penis now?

DAN: Well, yeah. If you’re gonna go to the trouble of carving one out for a statue that represents your entire city, you might as well, right?

GARY: You have put entirely too much thought into this.

DAN: Oh, don’t act like you haven’t. Look it at. Look at the way it’s standing there. They obviously wanted people to think about this. This isn’t me being weird. I’m just reacting to the giant pe-… the giant elephant in the room.

GARY: Little Freudian slip there, buddy?

DAN: Shut up, Gary.

GARY: It probably has underwear on, anyway.

DAN: No way. No way. A Braavosi warrior wearing underwear? No chance. We’re gonna sail under that thing, and we’re gonna look up, and we’ll be staring straight into that statue’s huge stone member. I’m sure of it. Hey, Fred. FRED. You’re with me on this, right? That the statue’s gonna have a penis?

FRED: [is frantically pulling ropes and turning wheels to ensure the ship does not crash into the rocks, doing three jobs instead of one because Dan and Gary have been standing around discussing statue penises for the last 10 minutes]

DAN: Fred knows what I’m talking about.

GARY: I dunno, man.

DAN: Tell you what, let’s make this interesting. If I’m right, and that statue has a penis, the first round of ale is on you. If it doesn’t, I’m buying.

GARY: Sure.


The ship approaches the statue and sails under it. Gary and Dan both look up. An hour later, after unloading their cargo and securing the ship, they pull up stools at a Braavosi bar.

DAN: Two ales, my good man. Courtesy of my friend Gary here.

GARY: I can’t believe how big it was. It was almost unsettling.

DAN: I told you!

BARTENDER: Y’all make a bet about the statue’s penis?

DAN: Sure did. Wait, how did you know?

BARTENDER: Happens a lot.