UPDATE: That Was Not The First Time Patrick Stewart Ate Pizza, Just His First ‘Slice’ (Uh, What?)

Sir Patrick Stewart set the Internet on fire yesterday when he tweeted the above picture and declared that he was eating his “very first pizza ‘slice.'” I mean, how could that have been possible? I tend to assume that everyone with a British accent is extremely classy and distinguished and only eats at fine dining establishments where the waiters wear tuxedos and have pencil-thin mustaches, and even I found the whole thing preposterous. Everyone eats pizza. Hell, you can eat pizza by accident. (“Oopsies, I slipped and fell and ate some pizza. Again.”) No, there had to be an explanation. My entire worldview depended on it.

And, luckily, there was. Kind of. But it’s somehow even more confusing than the idea of a 72-year-old man who never ate pizza. It turns out that the confusion all hinged on the word “slice,” as Stewart explained to Vulture earlier today.

So, I get that you’ve had pizza before, just not a slice of pizza …

That’s correct. People misunderstood. There was a school of thought that I had eaten my first pizza, but of course how could that possibly be true? I would have had to have stayed locked up in a cellar. But nevertheless, this was my first slice of pizza, which I was only eating because my fiancée and I were a little hung-over yesterday morning and she said what we need is pizza and a soothing drink — and she was right. It solved the problem. But, in fact, it was my first slice, and when it was brought over to me, my first comment was “There’s no knife and fork.” Of course, I was mocked for thinking that I could eat a pizza slice with a knife and fork.

Wait. What? He’s had pizza, but not in slice form, that he’s always eaten with a knife and fork? Does Patrick Stewart think lasanga is pizza? I must know more.

So, in all those years, you never, you know, walked by a pizza place, you’re hungry, you decide to go in and try a slice? How come that never happened?

I know, it’s hard to understand, isn’t it? But, you know, I would go in there and order a pizza and eat a whole pizza. It was the concept of the slice that I had never encountered before.

So here’s what I think is going on here. I think Patrick Stewart means this is the first time he’s ever ordered, like, a single slice of pizza instead of a whole pie. He’s probably trying to explain that he typically orders one large round pizza (or many large round pizzas, if he has company over) and then everyone shares and they eat the entire thing using knives and forks because he’s a knight of the British Empire and he can presumably eat pizza how he pleases. Fine. I can see that.

But if you think I don’t have a vivid, crystal clear image in my head right now of Sir Patrick Stewart waltzing into Sal’s Pizza and Grinders or whatever, ordering a large, uncut pizza, and devouring the whole thing by himself using a plastic fork and knife as all the other customers look on in amazement, then brother, you are misssssstaken.