If you’re in your 20s or 30s, you probably remember the old “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cartoons. One of the show’s running gags was the disgusting combinations of pizza toppings that Michaelangelo would conjure up whenever he placed an order. This was funny for two important reasons: 1) I was like 7, and; 2) LOLs at bad tasting things. So, naturally, because this is what happens now, a group of dorks got together, watched a bunch of old episodes, started recreating these nasty concoctions in real life, made a 12-minute video of it (“LOOK AT OUR ZANY PIZZA PARTIES!”), and posted it on the Internet. And the world collectively hurled.
Because I have a weak stomach and don’t really want to talk about the merits of a tuna fish, peanut butter, and grape jelly pizza, or dedicate any more time to these weirdos, I will now take this opportunity to rank the Ninja Turtles:
1) Leonardo – Leonardo is awesome because he was the leader, and he had swords.
2) Michaelangelo – Loved pizza, played with nunchucks, and was a clearly a huge pothead. He and teenage-me would have gotten along famously.
3) Donatello – NERD ALERT.
4) Raphael – Raphael was a dick and sais are stupid. You know who else carries around tiny little pitchforks? Toddlers in devil costumes. Get a real weapon.
I’m glad we settled that.