Pretty Little Liars (ABC Fam, 8:00 p.m.) – In the Season 6 premiere, the girls find themselves trapped in A’s creepy doll-house while wearing some promtastic outfits. (Question: Have we found out who A is yet? Because if not, that’s total sh*t. I mean, it’s been six seasons. How long can you draw this thing out?)
Royal Pains (USA, 10:00 p.m.) – The Season 7 premiere sees Hank helping a TV host, Evan and Paige getting some unexpected news, and the rest of us still slapping ourselves for not going to school for medicine so we could become an insanely overpriced doctor for rich people living in the Hamptons.
America’s Got Talent (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) – Sexy babies, cuddle gurus, and a few dudes from the local Chippendales auditioned last week, but AGT is really stepping up their hashtag game this week.
Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) – I haven’t made up my mind as to whether I absolutely hate the annoying know-it-alls on this show, or if I should call child services because these kids are obviously suffering with some major stage-parenting issues. Nope, I’ve made up my mind. I hate them.
Deadliest Catch (DSC, 9:00 p.m.) – As the King crab season ends, the boats up the ante in order to hit their quotas.
Extreme Weight Loss (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – A 400-pound gay firefighter is looking for a life change, and a 300-pound former college basketball star is looking for love. They’re also both looking to lose weight, if the title of the show was in any way unclear.
Stitchers (ABC Fam, 9:00 p.m.) – You know that film Christopher Nolan spent like 10 years writing? Leonardo DiCaprio starred in it, and so did Tom Hardy (you know, before he was Bane and Mad Max, and before pretty much every guy on the planet had a man crush on him?). Ugh, what was that called? … Anyway, this show has pretty much copied that entire plotline, but instead of manipulating people’s dreams, secret government agents solve crimes by looking into people’s memories. (Now that I’m thinking about it, this show reminds me of another TV show, too. It has this girl that’s a zombie, and she eats people’s brains to find out who killed them through their memories. It’ll come to me in a second.)
iZombie (CW, 9:00 p.m.) – Major’s starting to catch on to the fact that Blaine’s deli isn’t serving up FDA approved meats, and Liv is revisiting her high school years to solve the cover-up of a teenager’s death.
I Can Do That (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – We find out which of our favorite celebrities can’t dance and who among Hollywood’s B-List actually has a sense of humor.
Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) – Last week, Amy made us all believe it was okay to like Bill Cosby again. This week, she gives us a hard look at the life of a bachelor party stripper, gets a mail-order husband, and teaches men the art of female emotional combat.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Allison Janney on Kimmel; Jude Law, Bryce Dallas Howard and Florence + The Machine on Fallon; Melissa McCarthy and Robert Duvall on Meyers; Guy Pearce and Connie Britton on Corden; and Kellan Lutz on Conan.
