Hap and Leonard (Sundance, 10:00 p.m.) — This is the premiere of a six-hour series adaptation of the Joe Lansdale novels that focuses on Texan Leonard Pine (James Purefoy) taking his ex-wife (Christina Hendricks) up on a risky-and-violent get-rich-quick scheme. It also features Michael K. Williams as a charismatic-but-hot-tempered gay man. Sound familiar? (Read our review of the show here.)
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX, 10:00 p.m.) — The gang finally gets what’s comin’ to them when they take a vacation to Hell. Did I say “Hell?” I mean a cruise ship. Same thing, though, amirite?
Broad City (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) — Abbi participates in Soulstice Games Day and basically reveals herself to be that kid who took gym class way too seriously.
The Goldbergs (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) — It’s Swayze vs. Bacon in the battle of the greatest dance movies of the ’80s. You can be #TeamDirtyDancing or #TeamFootloose, but you cannot be Switzerland in this situation because there’s a right and a wrong and you’ve got to be one of ’em.
Survivor (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Jeff Probst practices fire safety and extinguishes another torch.
Rosewood (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — Villa pushes Mike away so that she can date the case instead as the killer’s still on the lam in the season one spring premiere of Rosewood.
The Mysteries of Laura (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — The precinct topples a big ol’ drug kingpin, but not without creating a slew of other problems in the process.
The Real O’Neals (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) — A normal Irish Catholic family tries to cope with the fact that its parents are divorcing, its one son has an eating disorder and its other is gay in the series premiere of ABC’s new familial sitcom. Oh, and it probably would have been easier to do all of those things without announcing those newsflashes at a public event.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) — Somebody done snatched up Morgan. Seriously, who could be that stupid? The dude’s jacked like The Rock and has Joe Mantegna in his corner. Bonehead move here, bruh.
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) — Who’d have thought that at their respective ages, and after all they’ve been through in their family lives, that Jay and Gloria would be mailing it in with baby Joe, and cutting every corner they can to sneak an extra few minutes of shuteye?
The Real O’Neals (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) — Yup, again. The premiere broadcast of the new Irish Catholic family sitcom is the bread of a Modern Family sandwich.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) — Pretty much any authority figure within a stone’s throw of a group of Catholic schoolgirls ends up in serious doo-doo in a sexual exploitation scandal that has far-reaching implications.
CSI: Cyber (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) — A notorious cyber criminal (you know he’s a bad dude ’cause he calls himself Python) kidnaps Avery’s daughter and makes the team solve a bunch of riddles to get her back. No word on if Python wears a green leotard and is in cahoots with Two-Face, though.
American Crime (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) — Every school’s nightmare comes true when a Leyland student is murdered and potentially damaging material surfaces online in the ensuing fiasco.
Chicago PD (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) — The theme here is “wrong place, wrong time” as a group of bank robbers are trying to pull off a heist while Halstead just happens to be in the joint. They probably should have just dug a hole in the vault and waited a couple of weeks like any good bank robber worth their salt would do.
Suits (USA, 10:00 p.m.) — The season five finale is named “25th Hour,” so we’re assuming it’s 42 minutes of Mike staring at his own reflection in a bathroom mirror and spouting off a bunch of racist stuff.
Man Seeking Woman (FXX, 10:30 p.m.) — Rosa and her boyfriend experience the limitless joy of sharing a “define the relationship” conversation.
Late Night Guests
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert — Octavia Spencer, Bob Saget, John Stamos, Dave Coulier and Lucius
Conan — Sacha Baron Cohen, Jimmy Pardo and Parquet Courts
The Late Late Show With James Corden — Lea Michele and Ginnifer Goodwin
The Daily Show — Chrissy Teigen
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon — Tina Fey, Rachel Maddow and Santigold
Jimmy Kimmel Live — Morgan Freeman, Martha Plimpton and Charles Kelley
Late Night With Seth Meyers — Keri Russell, Ilana Glazer & Abbi Jacobson and LP