Scream Queens (Fox, 8 p.m.) — Ryan Murphy has a pretty inconsistent track record when it comes to horror but word is Scream Queens is terrifyingly good. (I know, too much right?) It probably has something to do with the fact that Murphy is combining his strengths and adding some comedy to the mix. Or it could just be that we have a sick fascination with watching bitchy sorority girls being murdered/doing the murdering. Either way, Jamie Lee Curtis is on this thing, so I’m in.
The Muppets (ABC, 8 p.m.) – The Muppets were everyone’s childhood which kind of explains why all the moms out there are freaking out over ABC’s new mockumentary series. Did we really need to know that Kermit dropped Miss Piggy for a younger brunette with bigger cleavage? No. Is it traumatizing to hear Fozzie the Bear making sex jokes? Eh, judge for yourself.
Limitless (CBS, 10 p.m) – The TV show based on that weird Bradley Cooper movie (which is also being produced by Bradley Cooper with Bradley Cooper making some cameo appearances) premieres tonight. Though we could all stare into those baby blues for an hour, it’s Jake McDorman who’s the real leading man, playing Brian Finch, a guy who took an experimental drug and now has superhuman abilities (which is what we all wish for when we ingest questionable substances). Unfortunately for Finch, being chemically modified also means you’re being investigated for murder by Dexter’s sister so, you win some, you lose some.
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.) – More blind auditions and, hopefully, another opportunity to hear a grown man do a killer rendition of a Sia song.
NCIS (CBS, 8 p.m.) – Season 13 kicks off with Gibbs still shot and fighting for his life on board a Navy hospital ship while DiNozzo and Joanna head to Shanghai to try to stop the Calling.
Fresh Off the Boat (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – Season two premieres with Evan losing a “baby tooth” and Louis taking the family on a fun road trip to Gator World.
Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 p.m.) – Someone’s getting eliminated. Please God don’t let it be Gary Busey.
NCIS: New Orleans (CBS, 9 p.m.) – The team initiates an undercover mission to get back a stolen missile and protect a U.S. Naval ship in the season two premiere.