Scream Queens (Fox, 8 p.m.) — Ryan Murphy has a pretty inconsistent track record when it comes to horror but word is Scream Queens is terrifyingly good. (I know, too much right?) It probably has something to do with the fact that Murphy is combining his strengths and adding some comedy to the mix. Or it could just be that we have a sick fascination with watching bitchy sorority girls being murdered/doing the murdering. Either way, Jamie Lee Curtis is on this thing, so I’m in.
The Muppets (ABC, 8 p.m.) – The Muppets were everyone’s childhood which kind of explains why all the moms out there are freaking out over ABC’s new mockumentary series. Did we really need to know that Kermit dropped Miss Piggy for a younger brunette with bigger cleavage? No. Is it traumatizing to hear Fozzie the Bear making sex jokes? Eh, judge for yourself.
Limitless (CBS, 10 p.m) – The TV show based on that weird Bradley Cooper movie (which is also being produced by Bradley Cooper with Bradley Cooper making some cameo appearances) premieres tonight. Though we could all stare into those baby blues for an hour, it’s Jake McDorman who’s the real leading man, playing Brian Finch, a guy who took an experimental drug and now has superhuman abilities (which is what we all wish for when we ingest questionable substances). Unfortunately for Finch, being chemically modified also means you’re being investigated for murder by Dexter’s sister so, you win some, you lose some.
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.) – More blind auditions and, hopefully, another opportunity to hear a grown man do a killer rendition of a Sia song.
NCIS (CBS, 8 p.m.) – Season 13 kicks off with Gibbs still shot and fighting for his life on board a Navy hospital ship while DiNozzo and Joanna head to Shanghai to try to stop the Calling.
Fresh Off the Boat (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – Season two premieres with Evan losing a “baby tooth” and Louis taking the family on a fun road trip to Gator World.
Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 p.m.) – Someone’s getting eliminated. Please God don’t let it be Gary Busey.
NCIS: New Orleans (CBS, 9 p.m.) – The team initiates an undercover mission to get back a stolen missile and protect a U.S. Naval ship in the season two premiere.
Total Divas (E!, 9 p.m.) – Paige lets all the girls know she’s engaged on their vacation in Mexico (they’re thrilled for her I’m sure). Meanwhile, the Bellas discover they have a new sibling and Alicia threatens Jon and Trinity’s relationship.
Ink Master (SPIKE, 10 p.m.) – Chris is playing dirty and Tyler finally figures it out while football super fans get some inked autographs.
Public Morals (TNT, 10 p.m.) – Latucci’s bromance with a mobster brings problems, Bullman’s relationship with a call girl isn’t working out too great either, and Rusty is still pissed about the deaths of two of his guys.
Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (HBO, 10 p.m.) – Cowboys owner Jerry Jones sits down for a Q&A and team looks into a report on gender testing.
The Bastard Executioner (FX, 10 p.m.) – It’s Wilkins’ first day on the job as an executioner and he’s totally stoked…
Tosh.O (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) – In which Tosh profiles a vegan and promotes erectile equality.
Drunk History (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) – We learn about Harriet Tubman’s role in the Civil War; Virginia Hall’s career as a spy during World War II; and intelligence officer Roald Dahl who helped the British against the Axis powers and who tonight will be brought to life by Will F*cking Ferrell. You’re welcome Roald.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kerry Washington and Lea Michele on Kimmel; Anne Hathaway on Fallon; Donald Trump on Colbert; Patrick Stewart and George Ezra on Meyers; Emma Roberts on Corden; and Sharon Osbourne and Donald Glover on Conan.
