The 2012 Scripps National Spelling Bee (ESPN) – I was all set to make a bunch of very original jokes about awkward teenagers on primetime television, but then I stumbled across this GIF on Buzzfeed. Jesus. This kid is like 10x as cool as I am, and probably smarter, too. It’s all quite unsettling. (BONUS: KSK will have a live-blog during the festivities tonight.)
Touch (Fox) – Two-hour finale. From TV Guide: “The Aster Corporation’s interest in Jake increases as Martin and Abigail seek common ground in the custody battle for his son. Meanwhile, Martin searches for a connection between Jake and Amelia, the missing girl who shares his gift for numbers.” If I know anything at all about film and television, Amelia is in Vegas helping someone count cards.
Duets (ABC) – The theme for tonight is “classic duets.” I don’t think any of you realize how badly I want someone to do “Regulate.”
Rookie Blue (ABC) – Is this one of those shows where cops play by their own rules and their loose cannon shenanigans cause a bust to go bad so the chief takes their badges and guns but they go raid Cortez’s warehouse anyway because DAMMIT this is their one chance to intercept his big shipment before he leaves the country? If so, consider me intrigued.
Men at Work (TBS) – In case any of you were wondering how long it took for this show to make a “What do I do? My wife wants too much sex! I’m not gay, bros. I swear” joke, the answer is four minutes. I, for one, admire their restraint.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: All the network shows except Ferguson are in repeats tonight, and he’s got Carrie Fisher and Tony Hale. Also, Jim Parsons from “The Big Bang Theory” is on “The Daily Show.” Other than that, it’s slim pickings.