Miley Cyrus… friend of the Flaming Lips, owner of pink armpit hair, casher of Disney royalty checks, and, coming soon, host of the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards. For MTV, it’s an obvious choice and surefire way to draw viewers because – I’m not sure if you are aware of this or not – Miley has been known to act a little crazy at times. And by “a little,” I mean, “very,” and by “at times,” I mean “frequently.” So, in these days leading up to the show, the question is not if she will do something that will most likely break the Internet Sunday night, but what will she do.
Let’s take some guesses. Here are our 10 best predictions for what kind of insanity Miley will take part in at this year’s Video Music Awards.
1) In the middle of her opening monologue, she will end up reenacting the on-court three-way from Seven Days in Hell.
2) However, this will be after she makes her entrance riding a donkey wearing a black and white suit that bares a remarkable resemblance to this black and white suit.
3) Prompted by that young buck behind the short-lived Deez Nuts presidential campaign, Miley will announce that she is endorsing Donald Trump for president.
4) Miley will perform a medley of songs from The Sound of Music with The Weeknd playing the role of Captain von Trapp.
5) Prior to introducing the presenters for the Best Female Video award, Miley will – completely out of nowhere – call Taylor Swift a no-good, vicious she-devil, and then announce her allegiance to Katy Perry by revealing a t-shirt from Perry’s Prismatic Tour in true old-school, nWo fashion. Miley will then bring new Taylor Swift-foe Avril Lavigne onstage, who will be carrying with her a blow-up doll with Swift’s face on it. They will proceed to body slam the blow-up doll as the sound of Jim Ross echoes throughout the theater. Katy Perry will decline to comment on the whole thing because Katy Perry is a class act. John Mayer, however, will be heard talking about how awesome it was as he smokes a joint in the back alley with his new hippie friends.
6) Remember when Ellen DeGeneres had pizza delivered to the 2014 Oscars? Yeah, well Miley loved that bit, because Miley loves her some pizza.
So, Miley does the same thing, having her favorite pizza place deliver to the Microsoft Theater, but not before Miley personalizes the pizza, sprinkling the pies with angel dust and peyote. That one dude from LMFAO eats a whole pie himself, yet fails to feel any of the side effects, an outcome that surprises no one.
7) Miley will sacrifice a goat in an attempt to please the gods, both the old gods and the new gods, in an attempt to confirm whether Jon Snow is alive or not.
8) Speaking of fun with animals, after coming back from a commercial, Miley announces her retirement from music and that her new venture will be cock-fighting. A curtain is drawn, revealing a cock-fighting ring that would be considered lavish when compared to other cock-fighting rings. A man enters pushing large crate. Inside is Miley’s prized cock-fighting chicken, Dastardly Doug Dinkins, Esq. The bird has an eye patch.
9) In a pre-recorded segment, Miley and her homeboys Flaming Lips track down Nic Pizzolatto and pledge to not leave his side as he attempts to write a third season of True Detective. There will be edits, they sing. There will be narrative oversight, they sing. There will be a less convoluted plot, they sing. Miley is heard whispering to Pizzolatto as the clip fades out, Dude, make it about cock-fighting.
10) Nothing. Miley does nothing. She acts completely normal, dresses normal and, if anything, is kind of boring with how normal she is.
And that will prove to be her most shocking act of all.
