The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night. To recap, in this one, Edward, the 100-year-old vampire, finally marries his high school sweetheart, Bella, who he’s been saving himself for, because her heartburn face and white girl scent drives him crazy. So crazy that he doesn’t trust himself to control his bloodlust or boner shame. But now that they’re married, he can finally show her his sparkling vampire penis, which is brighter than the surface of the sun, like a flesh dagger made of glitter diamonds. They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and after a long day of vampire snorkeling, they commence with the hymen breaking (the ‘Dawn’ of the title being a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, I assume). There’s only one problem: Edward’s vampirility is too strong for Bella’s mortal vagina-womb. His vampire sperm immediately chomps down on Bella’s innocent white eggs and she becomes impregnated. Impregnated with a super vampire baby that kicks so hard in utero that it severs Bella’s spine. Edward gives Bella a vampire teeth C-section to save her from his evil sperm baby, and it turns out the baby is telepathic for some reason and has the mind of an adult. That’s when the ethnic werewolf guy falls in love with it, because a lady with a baby’s vagina is every man’s dream. After that… well, after that, the story gets a little ridiculous.
You can watch the trailer below. I took the liberty of adding my own captions on the following pages.
THA WHITE VEMPAHRS IZ GATHERED HERE 2DAY TO SALLABRATE TEH NEW HAIRCUTZ
HALP PAPA, I IZ IN LUV, AND NOW I HAZ TEH HEARTBURN
OH PAPA, I SO LUV. BUT WHY SO LUV GIVE TEH HEARTBURNZ?
HERE COMEZ EDWURD OOOOOHHHHHHHHH BALLA NEEDZ TEH TUMZ
NO, DON’T THROWS TEH RAIZE! RAIZE GIVEZ BALLA HEARTBURNZ!
I COME TO TAMPT YOU, BALLA. I WEARZ TEH OPEN COLLAR FOR TO SHOW TEH WOLFFS ABZ. I IZ MOOVIE’S MOST ETHNIC.
SORRY ABOUT TEH HEARTBURNZ, BALLA. IZ GOING TO SAX YOU NOW.
OHHHHHHH BALLA NOW IZ EDWURD WIZ TEH HEARTBURNZ! YOU GIVEZ TEH TUMZ, THAN I SAX YOU.
AUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH I WAIT TOO LONG TO SAX YOU BALLA! NOW IZ TOO STRONG!
AAAAAUUUUGHHH HOOMAN BED CANTZ HANDLE TEH ABSTINENCE SAX! TEH HOUZE IZ IN CRUMBLES!
OH EDWURD, I HAZ TIRED. YOU HAZ DEFATHERED MY SAX.
BALLA WOMB IZ FERTILE! WATERFALLZ IS TEH MATAPHORE!
OOOH EDWURD, SAX ME LAIK ONE OF YER LANDZ END CATALOGZ
ADWURD, HALP! YOU SAXED TEH BEBBE IN MAH BALLY!
A SAX BEBBE?? AH WON LAT HEEM HURT YOU, BALLA! I CALLZ TEH DOCTOR.
BALLA. I IZ DOCTOR. I WEARZ TEH SWAATER. BEBBE TOO STRONG FOR YEW. NOW YEW REGRAT TEH SAX.
I HALP YEW, BALLA! I STUDEEZ DA BEBBE WIZ COMPUTERZ!
I IZ TEH DYING, ADWURD. YOU SAX ME TEH BABBY TOO HARD.
NO, NOT BALLA! BALLA CAN’T HAZ TEH DIEDZ! I CAN’T HAZ FACIAL EXPRESSIONZ FOR DEAL WIZ TEH DIEDZ!
YOU GET BATTER, BALLA. I HALP YOU. SAX TO THE OTHER VAMPAHRS.
YOU BRING BAD ARR DURVE TO VAMPAHR PARTY? I SCARF YOU!
NO, BALLA! I HALP YOU! I HEADBUTTZ TEH SAX BEBBE! TEH AB WOLFF ALMOST CHANGE TEH FACIAL EXPRESSIONZ!
NOBODY MAIKES TEH WOLFF CHANGE TEH EXPRESSIONZ! NOW WE FIGHT VAMPAHRS! IZ TOO ETHNIC FOR SLEEFS!
HARF! HARF! HARF! I SMAL VAMPAHR BEBBE! HARF! HARF! HARF!
NO, BALLA! I HALP PROTECT YEW FROM TEH OTHER ETHNICZ! I IZ ONE OF TEH GOOD ONEZ! HARF! HARF! HARF! YEW LEAVE TEH BABBY ALONE, WOOLF! HARF! HARF! HARF!