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This Week in Posters: Haywire, J. Edgar, Twilight, Dreamworks Face

By / 10.12.11

J. Edgar Hoover gets out of his chair and straightens his tie, approaching the podium. He smooths his heavily pomaded hair. His hands hit the podium as he leans slowly towards the microphone, preparing to speak. The room is silent. Somewhere in the background, someone coughs.

HOOVER: “….Caaaaake.”

SENATOR MOYNIHAN: “…Director Hoover?”

HOOVER:”Caaaaake.”

The crowd murmurs, the Vice President bangs his gavel, demanding order.

SENATOR MOYNIHAN: “Director Hoover, do you mean to say that–”

HOOVER: “CAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.” (*he pounds his hand on the podium*) “CAKE!”

The crowd applauds. Credits roll. Fin.


“I! Am! The law!” Wait, that’s from a different movie. Sorry.

WE’LL PROTACT YOU FROM DA WOLVES, BALLA! ADWURD OF DA LONG PANTZ WILL ROLLZ UP HIS SLEEVES AND DA LLAMA WILL SHOW THAM TATTOO. DA BALLA WOLF HATE TATTOO LLAMA!

[WARNING: This next poster includes sound.]

Here’s the fancy “motion poster” for Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia. Motion posters are totally the new thing. They’re sort of like the gif animation’s pretentious cousin. Where a gif animation (generally of boobs bouncing or a man getting hit in the groin) is a limerick, a motion poster is like one of your freshman English seminar poems that doesn’t rhyme and uses the word “duality” like six times.
As for the actual poster… Well let’s just say… I bet that’s not the first time dis broad’s had a constellation drawn on her face wit white dots, you know what ah’m sayin’? EH! OH! /Andrew Dice FilmDrunk.

I never read Wuthering Heights, but based on this poster, I have to assume that it’s like The Notebook. Rain. Love. Chicks. Also, if they’d just put an umlaut in there, it’d sound way more metal. Wüthering Heights. See? Now guys might actually want to see it.

Also, have you ever noticed they always seem to pick critic quotes that don’t really mean anything? “A beautiful beast of a movie?” What am I supposed to get out of that?

Get it? The “Hotdocs” logo (top right) has a speech bubble for an O, to illustrate that these are the movies people are talking about, you see. But not that much, because only one O of “Hotdocs” has a speech bubble. I mean, people talk about these movies, but it’s not like they just babble and babble and won’t shut up, you know? Call it lively conversation. But not, like, pathological conversation, you know? This movie’s not needy or anything, just a pleasant conversationalist.

Anyway, I kinda like the poster. Though I think it’d be more effective if the Santa Claus guy was carrying a baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it. Right now, the answer to “how far would you go to protect your land” seems to be “well I’d sure as hell wear some suspenders and stare off into space, that’s for sure.” But say the answer was “I’d crush some skulls with mah nailstick,” I think more people would want to see that film. Just a thought.

 

If this were my bed, it’d be full of crumpled up tissues. Or just a picture of the jack-off couch. Or a picture of any facet of my life, really. The caption still applies.

I really hope Carey Mulligan plays something besides the Sad Pouty Elf character she’s been doing.

…Fassbender? I hardly know ‘er! (*dodges tomato*)

DREAMWORKS FACE! DREAMWORKS FACE! Haha, I knew you bastards couldn’t hold out much longer. Dreamworks animators love drawing one eyebrow higher than the other like Gary Busey loves the smell of coyote fur.

Between it saying “KITTY” in big letters at the top and having “PUSS” in the title and the slinky, blue-eyed cat wearing f*ck-me boots, I’d argue this is sexual enough to be logo for a men’s magazine or a strip club or one of those old naughty computer games. It looks way sexier than the Playboy bunny.

That cat looks like a slut, is all I’m saying. She wears boots and a sword but no bra or panties? Or is that considered a crotchless sword belt? Either way, that cat’s asking for it.

You can tell this one’s a dude because he’s wearing a cape and a feather in his cap. Wait, what? On a serious note, it’s pretty impressive that I can tell this one is a dude and the last slide is a chick when they’re almost identical. I don’t know how they do that.

I don’t know what a milky, attractive, shaved lady’s crotch has to do with a movie about a retarded guy who masturbates with barbed wire around his penis to the first Human Centipede. Which, let’s not forget, is about people sh*tting in each other’s mouths. It’s like they told the poster designer “make something naughty and wrong,” and he did, but without ever seeing or hearing of Human Centipede.

GINA CARANO WILL SIT ON YOUR FACE! WITH GUNS!

They left her no choice… but to sit on that guy’s face. He complied, but soon he couldn’t do it anymore. “More, more, more!” she demanded, threatening him with a gun. She was a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.

Ooh, cursive and ponytails and timeless love stories, this looks fascinating. (*makes fart noise, heads to tractor pull*)

“The lucky ones died in the blast. The rest had to star in an Xavier Gens movie.”  Still, at least I know what the movie’s about.

That tunnel looks really small.


TOPICS#THIS WEEK IN POSTERS
TAGSDREAMWORKS FACEHAYWIREJ. EDGARMELANCHOLIAPUSS IN BOOTS

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