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This Week in Posters: Battleships, Ghost Riders, & Spider-Men

By 12.13.11

Here’s the new poster for Battleship (GRRR, SLOW-MOTION ‘SPLOSIONS!), and… Jesus, is that… a floating Decepticon that shoots lens flares? …Sounds about right, actually. Eat your heart out, JJ Abrams.
By the way, I read the script for this piece, and the fact that someone thought it was a good idea to spend $200 million making it is MIND-BLOWING. It would be a miracle if it was anything approaching “good,” and yet the subtext of someone okaying that kind of expenditure on… this… could make it sort of morbidly fascinating. This could be the Winchester Mystery House of movies.

When I first saw this poster in a theater lobby a few days ago, I was dumbfounded that someone had the balls to label this “the untold story.” We already know it’s an origin story. Just like the first Tobey Maguire one was an origin story. By what definition is this story “untold?” It’s been told forwards, backwards, and sideways, and now we’re telling it again in 3D with Scarfield. But then I realized that was probably giving the poster designer/copywriting team far too much credit. I doubt much thought went into that tagline, it was more likely one of those taglines you get by reaching into a big top hat marked “poster taglines.”
Following up on the trailer from earlier today, here’s the poster [via Collider] for Adam Shankman’s Rock of Ages. Hooray, you’ll be able to watch rock n roll die before your very eyes! The thing that most jumps out at me is the fact that the logo seems very reminiscent of The Soup’s GAY SHOWS! bumper.

GAY SHOWS!
(*air guitar*)(*air penis*)
Are we still pretending that these one and three-word critic soundbites are somehow useful? “A love story,” doesn’t exactly sound like glowing praise, does it?
Hey, Pete Hammond, what did you think of Tower Heist? “A comedy! Two thumbs up.”
Get it? They duct taped the titles onto the poster just like Marky taped the cash onto his body. Hopefully he washed his hands first. If you get any Wahlburger grease on that tape it’s probably not going to stick.
We already adequately covered this poster when it hit on Sunday, but to recap, “the white is fanboy jizz” seemed to be the consensus. On an unrelated note, I never knew Batman’s mask was all hard like that. Seems like it’d be uncomfortable, not to mention the skin irritation. He probably has problems with breakouts, especially if he’s got an oily t-zone like me, am I right?? Morgan Freeman must whip up a wonder drug of an acne cream.
Bad poster design. Teenage girls in bikinis should always be foreground. I expect more from the Russians.
Do both those bunny slippers both have just one ear?
I WILL RIDE THROUGH HELL! DIAGONALLY! Eh, I guess the diagonal sort of makes sense if he’s riding down into hell and all.
I hope Neveldine/Taylor make Nic Cage scream “WHY IS BURNED?!?!” at least once in this movie just to please all the Wicker Man fanboys. By which I mean me.
“From the producers of Braveheart and Apocalypto!” So, uh, you mean Mel Gibson?
I hadn’t heard of this film, and even though half the point of This Week in Posters is me not having to do much work, I looked up a synopsis for you:

A career criminal (Gibson) nabbed by Mexican authorities is placed in a tough prison where he learns to survive with the help of a 9-year-old boy.

A young Mexican boy in prison? This is starting to sound sexy. Long time 2nd unit director (heh heh) Adrian Grunberg will be making his directorial debut. Meanwhile, Breitbart says:

The strangest thing about the poster for Mel Gibson’s upcoming action film “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” is that seems completely oblivious to the actor’s current standing within the Hollywood community and with the public in general. And you know what? That’s probably what’s so great about it.
The poster shows Gibson holding a gun like the action star he is. The film poster comes complete with a ’90s tag line – “Plan Your Getaway” – and is promoted as being from the producers of two great action pictures (“Apocalypto” and “Braveheart” ). If this poster doesn’t get you excited for a cool prison escape shoot ‘em up then nothing will.
Well, actually if it doesn’t get you excited that’s probably because you’re looking forward to the next Michael Moore propaganda piece or Roman Polanski feature.

I agree with the wingnuts somewhat about Mel Gibson getting way too much crap for some stuff he said during a private conversation, but I feel compelled to ridicule the WATCH THIS OR YOU’RE A COMMIE CHILD RAPIST! vibe. Stop stealing Miller Lite’s ad campaign, bro.
Between this and Mission Impossible, hoods are so hot right now. (*sheepishly hides circumcised penis*)
Wait, Queen Latifah? Queen Latifah sings? I thought she just, like, rapped and stuff. Aside from Dolly Parton, I don’t know who those other people are. And as far as “dreaming louder” goes, I recently had a hobo fall asleep next to me at a coffee shop, and he was dreaming pretty loud. Let me tell you, it was far from heart-warming. Say what you will about Mad Dog and meth withdrawal, it does NOT lead to restful-looking sleep.
The look on the giraffe’s face made me laugh. There, I said it. I chuckled.
Get it? It’s the Burj Dubai, lit like a Mission Impossible fuse. Clever. Though I think as a plot point in the movie, we need to change the burning fuse to an electrical current or a cell signal or something, because it’s a little ridiculous watching a guy climb a building with magic gloves and wearing digital disguises created by computers light a fuse like he’s Wile E. Coyote, or a bank robber from an old western. That guy’s not lighting a fuse any more than he is carrying around bombs that look like bowling balls.
If I had Michael Fassbender’s giant dong, I’d never be ashamed of anything. Least of all my dong.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no but seriously though.
We Need to Talk about Kevin has a combination of insanely glowing reviews and idiotic-looking trailers that would rival War Horse. I have to assume it’s the John C. Reilly effect.
Okay, so technically this isn’t a “movie,” but I had to include it because I saw a promo for it the other day and I thought I was hallucinating. But it’s real, ABC actually does have a show called “Work It,” about two dudes who dress like women.

Centers on two unemployed car salesmen who realize that they are living in a woman’s world, so they decide that to find work again, they must dress as women to get jobs as pharmaceutical reps. By doing so, it makes them better men, husbands and fathers, but also makes them appreciate the sanctuary of their nights at the bar where they can be themselves. [IMDB]

It’s like they made an entire show out of Juwanna Mann. Personally, I can’t see how guys-wearing-high-heels jokes could last any less than ten seasons. Stop drilling, ABC, you’ve hit gold.
[via Vulture]
[other posters via IMPA]


TOPICS#THIS WEEK IN POSTERS
TAGSBattleshipghost rider 2ROCK OF AGES

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