Yeah so Zach Braff is causing some sort of outrage because he got a Kickstarter to fund his film, which is now at $1.8 million and counting. I get the anger, but let’s face it, this is going to keep happening. Independent filmmakers, has-been celebrities, and artistically stubborn rich people are all taking the hint. Get ready for an onslaught of industry connected wealthy people taking advantage of folks less well off than them. I managed to find six already from really well-known stars and directors! They make some interesting pleas. Check it out:
Everybody Loves Raymond: The Movie
Hey it’s me, Ray. Look guys, I know you want more of me. There’s just something about me that’s so goddamn loveable. Is it my funny nasal voice, or my beady dead eyes? My effortless whiny charm, or my infectious laughter? I could go on for days, but you get my point. We’ll never know why everybody loves Raymond. All we do know is that it’s true. Now, I’ve been wanting to make an ELR movie for a while now. However, if I spend any of the 50+ million dollars I have, my kids can’t go to private school. So I’m asking you generous folks to donate some of your hard-earned money to make an ELR movie possible. I haven’t written the script yet, but I mean come on no one knows what the Arrested Development movie is about and you f*ckers are licking your lips, and rubbing your private parts at the thought of that movie daily. Trust me on this one, guys. It’ll be great. I’m asking for a measly 30 million dollars. For 30 million, I can make a movie that takes place mostly in a kitchen and sometimes in a living room. I’m even guaranteeing a Patricia Heaton nip slip scene within the first 30 minutes of the film. Don’t tell her I said that though.
Hi everyone. Lilo here! Listen, you’re all my besties. I so greatly appreciate your support through all these years. I mean, it’s not like I’m actually doing anything worthwhile these days. My career is a joke, yet you’re still drawn to me. I’m magnetic like some sort of magnet, or Ray Ramono, or something. Sad to say this, but Scary Movie 5 did not prove to be the film that put me back on the map. I didn’t even make that much money off of it since I agreed to be paid for the role in cocaine and mascara. The worst part is, I ended up having to sell all my cocaine four days later so I could afford to buy more cocaine. Life sucks! Then again, it doesn’t have to suck so hard if you can help me out on this documentary I’ve been wanting to make for a long time!
The untitled project will be an in-depth look at the ongoing civil war in Somalia. From the fall of the Barre Regime in the late 80s to the factions of regional government regimes that resulted because of it, and finally to the current major war concentrated in south Somalia over control of the land. We’ll explore ways in which unification and peace can be accomplished and what the rest of the world is doing to help. I’ll speak with military leaders, extremist groups, UN members, as well as suffering citizens. This is a dangerous project that will put me in the line of fire daily, but I’m willing to take the risk so that the youth today can be more informed about what’s going on in the world. Who knows, maybe some of these guys are going to be like totally down to party and get shwasted with me! How fun would that be? XoXo
Do you really care what I need the money for? You know the movie is going to be good no matter what, so cough it up! Ha, no but really, I spent the majority of my money this past year building a fleet of kayaks with Jason Schwartzman. Hey, you know what, that gives me a great idea. I’m suddenly getting this image in my head. It’s of Dakota Fanning wearing a Native-American headdress. She’s wearing a headdress and dancing in a field of lilacs. Gerard Depardieu is standing ten feet away from her wearing a cowboy hat, and holding a book for some reason. Wow, look at that! I just figured out what this movie is about. Please support.
For every person that donates $150 or more, I will autograph the vintage typewriter you bought on Etsy.
It’s days like this that remind me about life. Did you know that this is life? Sometimes I think we’re an octopus. Am I an octopus? I’m not really interested in making another movie right now. I’d like for people to send me things so I can make a series of fake commercials for them and upload said commercials to my Vimeo account. Breathe into a mason jar and send me your breath. I want to sell your breath.
Sidenote: Hey 16-year-olds starting the process of rebelling against mainstream culture who are just now discovering the Velvet Underground and naming your poetry club The Angel Headed Hipsters, I’m the guy who made Twin Peaks.
Yo peeps. I need like a few thousand bucks to make this awesome movie I wrote about this really poor redneck family in Reno. These guys are crazy! They do weird shit like eat bugs, and make out with each other, and stuff. One of the kids in this family is a total straight edge goody-goody who wants to be a famous anti-drugs rapper named Narcky Narc. His parents think he’s a lame-ass piece of shit and force him to live in a closet. His sister is pregnant with his baby.
You’d think after the success of Spring Breakers that Hollywood would be totally down to make whatever the hell I want, but for some reason they’re not giving in to this one unless I get Zac Efron to play the lead. I can’t do that. No offense to Efron, it’s just that the truth is…I already made the movie last summer while buying snake venom with James Franco in Reno for three days. I’d really just like some money from all of you so I can throw a foam party in the alley of a poor urban neighborhood. Thanks!
BOOM!!!! Explosions! Fast cars. VROOM!!!! I’m asking my fans for $120 million. Studios do not give me the artistic freedom I so greatly desire. I had to cut so many vrooms and booms in the Transformers trilogy because execs thought it was too much. Can you believe it? Too much boom? Not possible!
Oh I guess I should tell you what this movie is about. I want to make a Spiderman movie like never seen before. I think it’s time Spiderman got the Bay treatment. We already have sissy piece of crap Spiderman films out there and they don’t do the guy justice. Dwayne Johnson has already agreed to play the lead role of Spiderman and this Hooters waitress I met in Hollywood is going to be Mary-Jane. Judging by how hot she is, I’m sure she’s going to be a great actress. We’re going to have this Spiderman shoot out bullets from his wrists instead of dumb spiderwebs. Also, instead of being bitten by some radioactive spider, this Spiderman was built in a secret lab in Germany. His catchphrase is going to be, “I’m mothertruckin Spiderman!” Every time he says it, a truck explodes in the background of wherever he is. It’s going to be so epic!!! Help support artistic freedom. Fund my movie!
Even further incentive: For every person that donates $10,000 or more, I will personally get my assistant to send you a private e-mail saying thanks!