THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This was what we in the poster-posting business call a “light-flow” week, without a ton of new entries and no new X-Men: First Class posters to ridicule. There were, however, a new batch of stills from X-Men, including the one you see here of January Jones (as Emma Frost) just chillin’ out in her bra at Kevin Bacon’s house, as I imagine ladies often do there. The idea that they had push-up bras in the sixties is one area in which I’m willing to accept artistic license (it’s much better than the idea that space Vikings shave their chests, for instance). Obviously, she has a great rack, but jeez, does this bitch ever smile? I didn’t look that angry to be in my underwear at my last colonoscopy.
I like the way Jennifer Lawrence sits.
Bacon plays Sebastian Shaw.
A mutant, Shaw possesses the ability to absorb kinetic energy and transform it into raw strength. He is the leader of the New York branch of the Hellfire Club, an exclusive secret society bent on world domination, although to the public, he is a legitimate businessman and ordinary human.
And apparently the most baller-ass social studies teacher of all time.
I like to imagine Bacon talking the ladies out of their clothes, “C’mon, girl, don’t be such a (*points to pattern on throw pillows*).”
Conan the Barbarian.
This is actually a pretty cool poster considering how terrible I guarantee this movie is going to be. My only question is, when did barbarians fight Caucasian samurai? Are there a bunch of Tom Cruises under those helmets? This movie is going to be like that one Spike TV show where grown men argue about whether a pirate could beat up a viking, isn’t it. Probably has the same producers.
I get the feeling guys who wrote pulp novels in the thirties were all super-duper gay.
Jesus, this movie isn’t out yet? In this remake of a 2007 Israeli film, I believe Jessica Chastain (bottom) plays the younger version of Helen Mirren (top), so this (boring) poster is Mirren remembering what it was like to be a gun-toting redhead who murdered people during her own pelvic exams. That might be most creative action movie death since Schwarzenegger. “Hey, Doc, why don’t you speak into the microphone?” (*smashes doctor’s head into vagina*)
Booooring. And I never thought I’d say that about a poster with a gun-toting badass sporting an eye patch. Should have stuck with the last poster, the one with the boobs and the chainsaws. That’s just a general rule of thumb.
Final Destination 5.
Can you believe this lame-ass franchise has lasted through five installments? Nothing so crappy has ever lasted so long, except maybe Saw, or Fast and Furious, or… okay, bad example. In any case, I stopped being interested the moment I found out it would no longer be called 5nal Destination. I suppose now’s as good a time as any to post the trailer. Ooh, a loose screw on a balance beam, you really went all out this time.
I guess the giant floating head at the top is supposed to be Colin Farrell, who plays Anton Yelchin’s neighbor, who might be a vampire. For a guy with iconic eyebrows, they sure made him generic looking. And if you ask me, the most interesting part of this IMDB page is Chris Mintz-Plasse as ‘Evil’ Ed Thompson.
Green Lantern – Peter Sarsgaard.
Look out! He’s got a ball of space jizz! If I were commissioning this poster, I’d say it looks more like Dragonball or Sorcerer’s Apprentice than I’d feel comfortable with. It seems poster designers have greatly overestimated the public’s desire for posters like this. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at one of these and shouted, “Oh boy, a ball of something vaguely magical!”
Green Lantern Russian Poster.
Jeez, enough with the diagonals already. Does anyone honestly actually like the canted angle shot? I know I complain about it a lot, but for as much as it gets used, someone out there must like it, right? Anyway, this poster is basically the same as the US Green Lantern poster, except that Ryan Reynolds isn’t wearing his mask in this one. And his eyebrows seem more unkempt than usual. Why, he’s starting to look like an eye talian. Though Italian Green Lanterns generally wear their power rings on the pinkie.
Insidious – Thai poster.
“It’s not the house that’s haunted.” It’s actually about a possessed little kid. My, what a twist.
Kung Fu Panda 2 – Chinese poster.
Po (or baby Po, or Po’s baby, or whoever this panda is supposed to be) appears to be holding steamed pork rolls. I don’t know what the words say, but I’m guessing it’s some clever wordplay on dim sum.
Kung Fu Panda 2 – Russian poster.
You’d think a giant pair of eyes spying on you would bring back bad memories in Russia.
If you asked bizarro me what he wanted to watch a documentary about, he’d probably shout, “Oooh, another story about Baby Boomers doing drugs, please!” But even non-bizarro me is a big fan of Alex Gibney. Meanwhile, I believe “A kool place” refers to a location where African-American men smoke menthol cigarettes.
The Perfect Host – Japanese poster.
I don’t know much about this movie, but this is the second time they’ve had my favorite poster of the week. David Hyde Pierce eats people, I guess.
Rejoice and Shout.
Pretty self-explanatory, this. It’s a gospel movie, about rejoicin’ and a-singin’. I eagerly await the follow-up doc on Presbyterianism, There’s No Need to Shout.
I posted the trailer for this one a while back. It’s a good thing they’re not trying to make this look like a Wes Anderson movie.
Sympathy for Delicious.
Only an actor as butch and masculine as Orlando Bloom could pull off that kind of lady hair. Mark Ruffalo’s directorial debut, I never saw this when it was at Sundance because I couldn’t get past the dumb title, which sounds Quantum of Solace-esque in its faux-profound meaninglessness. It turns out, the plot centers on a paralyzed DJ named “Delicious.” That actually might be worse.
Riva is an operator, a man with charm and ambition in equal measure. Kinshasa is an inviting place. With petrol in short supply in DRC’s capital, he and his sidekick pursue a plot to get hold of a secret cache – barrels of fuel they can sell for a huge profit. Of course they’re not the only ones who want the stuff. Cesar is a ruthless, sharply dressed foreigner thriving in Kinshasa’s lawless streets. A female military officer joins the fray. Even the church will betray its tenets for a piece of the action. But Riva’s main nemesis is Azor, a crime boss in the classic style: big, decadent and brutal. He’s not a man to mess with, but his girlfriend, Nora, may just be the most seductive woman in all of DRC. Riva catches sight of her dancing at a nightclub and it’s not long before Nora matches the fuel cache as a coveted object of his lust. [IMDB]
Sounds interesting. But I don’t think movies should be allowed to have exclamation points in the title. Hey, bro, if we’re excited about it, we’ll tell you.