Any day I get a press release from WWE’s film division (yes, WWE has a film division, AMERICA!) is a good day, and it sounds like my prayers for a 12 Rounds sequel have finally been answered! Remember 12 Rounds? It starred John Cena in what was basically a cross between Die Hard 3 and Saw meets every action movie ever? Believe it or not, it was actually the top-selling DVD in the country for a brief period a few years back. And now, the 12 Rounds franchise continues, with Randy Orton! Who’s also a wrestling guy!
To the press release!
12 ROUNDS 2: RELOADED
Arriving Just in Time for Father’s Day, The Action-Packed Sequel Comes to Digital HD™ May 21 and Blu-ray and DVD June 4
JUST IN TIME FOR FATHER’S DAY! Hey, Dad, what do you want? An easy chair? A foot massager? Some reading glasses? F*CK THAT, THIS AIN’T YOUR GRANDMA’S FATHER’S DAY! You’re getting a DVD about a wrestler solving crimes! It’ll go great with the subscription to the New Yorker I bought you last year! OOOOOOH WAH-AH AH-AH! (*drops People’s Elbow on cat*)
LOS ANGELES, CA (April 29, 2013) – A twisted genius and a good man are going head-to-head in the ultimate game of cat and mouse! Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment and WWE Studios unveil a brand new chapter in its thrilling action franchise with 12 ROUNDS 2: RELOADED. The second installment, starring WWE Superstar Randy Orton, debuts on Digital HD on May 21 and on Blu-ray and DVD on June 4 – just in time for Father’s Day.
Normally, press copy for gift ideas coming out in June reference the broader “dads & grads,” but this one curiously stops short of declaring itself a gift possibility for people who’ve graduated from something. Shortsighted, WWE marketing department, shortsighted. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching commercials during day time judge shows, it’s that there are many different types of schools.
As paramedic Nick Malloy, Orton jumps into overdrive in this pulse-pounding, thrill ride filled with gripping suspense! Malloy receives a terrifying call from a vengeful psychopath connected to his past, and the maniac (Brian Markinson) threatens to unleash a murder spree unless Nick can complete a series of 12 challenges without involving the cops or missing a single deadline. With no time to spare — and his own wife’s life on the line — Nick must piece together cryptic clues and hunt down the killer before it’s too late!
A pulse-pounding, terrifying, vengeful thrill-ride full of gripping suspense – my God, this sounds positively adjectavious! (a “gripping suspense,” in contrast to a handjob, which is more of a suspenseful gripping). Also, for the sequel, you’d think he’d have to solve more than 12 challenges, the same number as the original. 24, maybe, or at least a baker’s dozen.
BUT WAIT! We haven’t gotten to the “About” section!
ABOUT WWE STUDIOS
WWE Studios continues to strategically diversify its slate of films, which includes theatrical releases and direct to home premieres, under the guidance of President Michael Luisi. Upcoming films for WWE Studios include: No One Lives, which was co-produced with Pathé Films and was accepted to Midnight Madness at the 2012 Toronto International Film Festival, starring Luke Evans and WWE Superstar Brodus Clay™; 12 Rounds 2 Reloaded, the 2nd installment in the action franchise, which stars WWE Superstar Randy Orton™ and will be released direct to home on June 4th by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment; The Curse of the Ghost Bear!, an animated feature from Warner Brothers Animation that will find Scooby Doo and the gang teaming up with WWE Superstars to solve a mystery at WrestleMania due out in early 2014; and Christmas Bounty, an action comedy starring WWE Superstar The Miz™ and Francia Raisa, which will premiere on ABC Family’s “25 Days of Christmas” programming event in December 2013.
“The Curse of the Ghost Bear!” Holy shit, that sounds amazing. If it didn’t already have an exclamation point, I would’ve added one myself. It’s like they read my mind.
But enough jibber jabber, let’s see the trailer for this masterpiece of faux-grappler cinema.