It seems like my “Hate Mail” segment jumped the shark this week, so I’m just going to discontinue that indefinitely to keep from annoying myself and you. Deal? We’ll go back to focusing on you the reader, the dick joke maker. So, without further ado, this week’s best comment. From my Fast Five review:
Juan Carlo says: I think (once again) you’ve missed the greater underlying subtext of the film. Had you been paying attention you would have realized that the Vin Diesel character actually DID go to prison and the rest of the film was just an elaborate fantasy projection he concocted for himself to escape his harsh reality–i.e. the near constant and brutal anal rape that accompanies prison life. So while Diesel might appear to exist in a larger than life, WWF, style version of reality, the astute viewer would realize that every time another absurd action set piece begins, this is really just a fantastical cue to the audience that Diesel is, once again, being anally violated–and the more outlandish the set piece, the worse the violation. Personally, I think “Fast Five” is possibly the best filmic representation of the psyche of the abuse victim since “Transformers.” And (dare I say?) I think it might even belong in the same echelon with what I consider to be the single best treatment of the topic, 1991’s visceral and fearless “Mannequin 2: On the Move.”
I don’t know how to explain that to the uninitiated, other than to say that it was a reference to Sucker Punch. Honorable mentions after the jump.
High 5: If being geeky is the new punk, what’s next? (*crosses fingers for premature ejaculating*)
The Hammer: Saying you’re a geek because you like Star Wars is like saying you are a mechanic because you saw Fast 5.
Melvin_udall says It appears that femibroads and other female idiots are angry based on an interpretation that requires the assumption that geeky guys actually don’t want hot girls to be geeks. Which is quite probably the most idiotic conclusion in the history of feminism, an Everest high hurdle to jump.
catpuncher says: I didn’t think a misunderstanding based on a girl’s poor reading comprehension would get to such an experienced sexist.
Ace Rimmer says: It’s like Braveheart meets Robin Hood by way of Sideways and Troy in the style of Jesus Didn’t Tap.
Chino Moreno says: I like to get oral until I’m Finnish.
spazmodic says: After describing her accent as “English” or “British”, the reporter signs off with:
“A new voice that suits Karen and her family … just fine.”
IT SUITS HER TO A ‘TEA’, YOU F*CKING IDIOT!!!
The Hammer says: I bet you in act one she wears glasses and a pony tail! Its not until she take off her glasses and shakes her hair down do we realize she was gorgeous with huge tits the whole time!
Homo Erectus says: A review sewn together from pieces of bad reviews, all about a film sewn together from unfunny cliches about characters who weren’t entertaining in their first three or four hundered iterations. Well done. It’s art, I tells ya!
Thanks, I thought so. And finally, there’s nothing better than when a non-FilmDrunkard wanders in from Google and is immediately so horrified at what they find that they feel compelled to create a username, log in, and register their discontent. From a two-year-old post about a lady with gigantic legs:
mercymee says: I want to blast all you bad asses for slagging off this poor girl. What the hell has she done to you, that you should give such nasty vicious comments? Hasn’t she got enough trouble and strife? She has a genetic deformity, in her legs. You shameful lot seem to have a deformity between your ears. BE Nice for a change.
mercymee says: I’m with you Spazmodic. People are so judgmental, or just mental. They should spend some time thinking about others, and how they can easily bully the vulnerable. And Jasmine, thanks for standing up against these cyber trolls. I wanted to know how mandy was getting on, because I saw her program and was intrigued.
As commenter Ace Rimmer writes, “Yes, because clearly a guy with a nom de plume like ’spazmodic’ is someone who is deeply sensitive to the plight of the differently abled.”
As always, use the comments section below to nominate for next week. To make it easier to find, you can always use the “comments of the week” link in the sidebar. Until next Sunday…