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Comments of the Week: Kevin Smith Fans & Vulgar Spambots

By / 08.21.11

COMMENTS OF THE WEEK: Every Sunday or Monday, I try to recognize comment-section brilliance, sometimes with a prize (but really, being recognized as the funniest commenter on a juvenile film blog should be its own reward, shouldn’t it?). NOMINATE your favorite comments throughout the week by copy and pasting in the comments section below — you can always find the CotW-nominating link in the sidebar to the right under “MORE”. [Rad Poodle via DogBlessYou]

Before we get to this week’s winner, I wanted to extend a hearty round of applause for all who participated in our effort to give Kevin Smith’s fans a name. Asking the peanut gallery for help seems to bring out the best in you all, so I’ll try to do that more. In the meantime, here were some of my favorites:

essequemodeia says: Smithfits
Jessolido says: Cockknocklatiers
Stinky Peet says: The Easily Amewesed
Jacktion! says: The Men Who Stare At Jorts
leave1942 says: Porch Monkeys.
Tony Everready says: sweater monkeys
Shrimpton says: Smodomites
Moose says: Jorticulturists
Nacheesmo says: Type 2 Diabeatniks

I think I like Cockknocklatiers. It sounds so fancy! But on to this week’s winner…

From Channing Tatum sought as Brad Cooper’s replacement in Crow remake:

Jessolido says: “This September… REVENGE. WILL. C-WALK.”

Jessolido says: They killed me! They killed my wife! THEY BURNT MY C-PIECE, SON!

Bravo to Jessolido for narrowly beating out Chareth Cutestory’s always-entertaining irrational hatred for Kevin Smith in the story about Smith splitting Hit Somebody into two films:

Chareth Cutestory says: THE ONLY THING YOU’RE FIT TO SPLIT IN TWO ARE YOUR JNCO’S, YOU CASH-GRABBING F*CKSTICK!

Chareth Cutestory says: Gotta admire The circumvention of the studios, though. Kevin Smith is like Howard Hughes in that way, except he can’t board a plane and he sucks.

Elsewhere, our favorite Mexican FilmDrunkard Watanabex nicely sums up the internet’s attitude towards the rash of Dark Knight Rises set pictures and video spoilers:

Watanabex says: THIS MOVIE SUCKS, THAT BATWING THING LOOKS SO UNREALISTIC I MEAN SERIOUSLY YOU’RE GOING TO CHASE VILLAINS ON SOME ALUMINUM PLATFORM ATTACHED TO SOME SLOW ASS CRANE? F*CK YOU NOLAN, YOU RUINED BATMAN!

Then there was the Alabama Panhellenic Council’s rap video, which you knew would generate a gem or two:

Easy Killer says: It’s things like this that make it so us whites will never be allowed to use the N word.

Now that’s funny.

Garipeto says: “And there’s not a single minority! Not even an Asian! How is that even possible?”
They’re all in the library talking on their cell phones, of course.

Nice callback.

From

Jack Burton says: But…but…he’s a high rolling studio executive who has salt and pepper hair, piercing blue eyes, doesn’t wear a tie, owns three Teslas and has six hookers and three different coke dealers on speed dial! How could he be wrong? This guy KNOWS the business, Vince. If you don’t believe ME, just look at that headshot again! The self satisfied smirk…the $250 haircut…teeth perfectly bleached and capped…oh no…I may have looked at it too long…what’s that, picture? What’s that you say? Yes, picture. I understand now. I will obey. Yes, picture. I know now what I must do. Consume, consume, consume. Buy buy buy. Quality is irrelevant. Enjoyment is irrelevant. Fulfillment is irrelevant. Happiness is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. I will be assimilated.

I_am_Jenius says: Where are the Powerpoints and Cocaine?
I WAS TOLD THERE WAS TO BE POWERPOINTS AND COCAINE!

This next comment from the C-Tates/The Crow post isn’t so much funny as it is scarily prescient:

Patty Boots says: C. Tates as The Crow will be fine, as long as they change the character to a murdered white rapper.

And finally, what would Comments of the Week be without a visit from our favorite copy-and-paste spambot? “LucyWatson” here, if that is her REAL name, copies text from elsewhere on the page and incorporates it into her phishing scam. The results are often funnier than anything we could come up with.

Lucywatson says: I bet she’s gonna develop some kind of psychological issue where she’s afraid there’ll be an explosion everytime she takes a dump…I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—a’ge’l’es’s’da’te. C óM—it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.

Lucywatson says: Pretty sure a secret santa is when you meet a girl on J-Date but then in bed, boom, foreskin.I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—a’ge’l’es’s’da’te. C óM—it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.

Lucywatson says: I loved the old, earnest sexism. This new version is just confusing.I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—a’ge’l’es’s’da’te. C óM—it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.

That last one deserves an Inception BRAAAAAHM as much as anything.

Here’s to another week…


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